Checking In

[lighter]

I hope you find the living situation you want, Tupp.  I'm feeling similar needs to cut back and maximize health.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I hope you find the living situation you want, Tupp.  I'm feeling similar needs to cut back and maximize health.

Lighter

(((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))) I think whoever we are, however brave and fearless, we are all getting older.  My back at the moment is excrutiating and debilitating.  I'm managing, but only just.  Two degrees more and I'm done for and if that happened where we are right now, I'd be in a right old pickle.  So yep, we do need to be closer to facilities and need to be able to get to them by bus.  I'd rather do it now, while I can and while I have time to think and chose, rather than be in an emergency situation and have to do whatever was necessary at the time and get stuck there.

The people who viewed have decided no but they put me in touch with someone else who might be interested, so we've swapped details and there are a couple more who've expressed interest as well so there are options   And we like it here so we're not desperate to go, we just know it needs to happen.  You'll figure something out that works for you as well, I'm sure.

I did speak to the neighbour about not being here to have her pets and she was quite frosty and a bit off with me.  Did throw me a bit - I haven't quite grown an unaffected skin in that regard.  But my focus is me, my boy and our cat (whose holidays are already booked with the cattery so I know I don't have to worry about him).  Onwards onwards lol xx

[Hopalong]

A pang at your having to leave a home you've enjoyed, and Son too. But a raucous cheer that again, you're centered, calm, rational and ... well, centered in yourself is the best description.

Isn't it ironic that "self-centered" is a classic term for how women are viewed if they take charge of their lives, don't behave submissively, and make their own decisions? I think sometimes, with some personality traits, "selfish" is an extemely appropriate term. But your decisions these days are being guided by your own experience, wisdom, and awareness.

I'm so impressed. Still hope you'll have a bit of garden and happy cat. And that Son has embraced being a bit nomadic and will adjust to his new home when it happens.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I'm liking the phrase "self-focused" - taking care of my own needs, doing what I have to do. Rather than other focused, people-pleasing... accommodating others at my own expense. It's putting oneself first and standing up for that priority.

It doesn't need to be announced or made a big deal of; but I think it's essential to finally assuming our good & proper relationship with ourselves and then our relationships outside ourselves. You're doing quite well in this progress Tupp.

As we're aging, our environmental priorities change. I deliberately bought a place with lots of steps, and of course there is the challenging topography, to at least chalenge myself minimally just doing the day to day. I'm kinda thinking I bit off more than I can chew... here lately. But then, my summer nemisis's - the heat, humidity & bugs - are in full onslaught. The AC in the studio went out and until that was fixed, not even that space was a refuge. I really need a big thunderstorm to blow in a cold front...

[Twoapenny]

Yes, nodding, nodding, nodding.  I think self centred, selfish etc are often used as a way to try to guilt someone into doing something they've no obligation to do.  I have struggled a bit (with saying no to the pet care) as my mum's response to that would have been to bad mouth me to anyone who would listen.  I have to put that back in it's box; they're different people and even if she does bad mouth me to others, well, it's not part of my life so I need to just let that go.  Hang ups from other times is all.  It is hard to untangle the hear and now from the past but bottom line is, her pets are not my responsibility (and truthfully I think it's crackers to ask someone else to look after dogs for an extended period of time - I'd be far too worried they wouldn't be looked after properly and would rather a professional do it if I didn't have someone close I knew I could trust).  Yadaa yadaa.

I am gutted to be moving away, genuinely thought this was our forever home and it is beautiful, so much space, quiet and potential here.  But I spend more time in the car here than I ever did anywhere else and not being able to pop anywhere to do something quickly means having to always be very organised and not being able to put things off until the next day, which I'm finding very tiring.  Put my (now very) dodgy back in the mix and the fact that son's only doing about half of what he wants to do and is bored a lot of the time and it's not a good long term situation for us.  Have looked into trying to set things up closer to home but the problem then is that others can't get here because we're too far out.  So it doesn't work.

The upside is we have more space than we need so can swap with a family who have less space.  The thought of little ones getting their own rooms for the first time or having a big garden to run and play in is nice.  We'll still want a garden but a small one will do us.  Again, I've been overwhelmed by all the gardening and don't have the time (or back strength!) to keep on top of it.  So somewhere smaller, more urban, better transport links and so on, yep, those boxes will be good to tick.

[lighter]

Tupp...re fawning ... I'm so with you on noticing and catching it.... stopping that reaction ....replacing with responsiveness. 

For a while, I was aggressively opposite and lacking chill/balance/choice.

I slid out of that, but always strive for emotional distance providing the headspace required to BE chill/balanced and to restore choice.

I can want something and focus on failure OR relax and mind my mental health/coping strategies/good habits I've worked towards and notice.....
it feels they're taking up space where old habits/stress/anxiety/fawning used to live.

That makes sense to me right now.

Thanks reminds me of the saying...
"If one tak s care of the pennies, the dollars
take care of themselves."

Not worrying into the future means I notice my internal world, catch and deal with normally upsetting things to get back to being present (with greater ease and frequency.)

Sometimes chill IS my default, but not perfectly and that's ok too.

Things dropping away......things getting crowded out.....mindfully choosing and discerning while reminding myself it's my job.....helps.

About getting bait and switched into caring for dogs (esp while you're suffering with back pain.) WTH?  That lady was likely desperate.  I know the feeling, BUT I don't consider wrong/bad/impossible options.

She needs to work her problem till she finds a solution....
Trading out dog sitting with someone in similar position or having a traveling pet  sitting company send someone cheap who wants to vacation there or have someone in who's property is being shown daily (like we did) or maybe consider she has to save a while longer to afford her her trip.  Plopping all that in your unsuspecting lap wasn't feasible.  She can be as chilly as she likes.  I'm super cool with the word NO.....now.  I wasn't, but it's on the tip of my tongue, often now.

It's ditching the old scrips and leaning into what's real.... remembering who we are that brings the ease, IME.

Dropping the buy into other people's negative narratives about us gets easier...becomes obvious....inhabits spaces in our knowing, IME.

If you haven't seen the book Pain Free by Egoscue Clinic, consider ordering used.  I have copies everywhere.  Spent lots of time on my back, knees on a box, treating lower back troubles.  My friends do the same!

In the meantime....
Here's to minding our own business....caring for ourselves and what's ours to tend, sans shame or guilt.

It's ok.....even if it doesn't feeeeel ok.... it's still ok.

Good luck working your housing program to the be est possible outcome, ((Tupp.))

[Twoapenny]

Tupp...re fawning ... I'm so with you on noticing and catching it.... stopping that reaction ....replacing with responsiveness. 

For a while, I was aggressively opposite and lacking chill/balance/choice.

I slid out of that, but always strive for emotional distance providing the headspace required to BE chill/balanced and to restore choice.

I can want something and focus on failure OR relax and mind my mental health/coping strategies/good habits I've worked towards and notice.....
it feels they're taking up space where old habits/stress/anxiety/fawning used to live.

That makes sense to me right now.

Thanks reminds me of the saying...
"If one tak s care of the pennies, the dollars
take care of themselves."

Not worrying into the future means I notice my internal world, catch and deal with normally upsetting things to get back to being present (with greater ease and frequency.)

Sometimes chill IS my default, but not perfectly and that's ok too.

Things dropping away......things getting crowded out.....mindfully choosing and discerning while reminding myself it's my job.....helps.

About getting bait and switched into caring for dogs (esp while you're suffering with back pain.) WTH?  That lady was likely desperate.  I know the feeling, BUT I don't consider wrong/bad/impossible options.

She needs to work her problem till she finds a solution....
Trading out dog sitting with someone in similar position or having a traveling pet  sitting company send someone cheap who wants to vacation there or have someone in who's property is being shown daily (like we did) or maybe consider she has to save a while longer to afford her her trip.  Plopping all that in your unsuspecting lap wasn't feasible.  She can be as chilly as she likes.  I'm super cool with the word NO.....now.  I wasn't, but it's on the tip of my tongue, often now.

It's ditching the old scrips and leaning into what's real.... remembering who we are that brings the ease, IME.

Dropping the buy into other people's negative narratives about us gets easier...becomes obvious....inhabits spaces in our knowing, IME.

If you haven't seen the book Pain Free by Egoscue Clinic, consider ordering used.  I have copies everywhere.  Spent lots of time on my back, knees on a box, treating lower back troubles.  My friends do the same!

In the meantime....
Here's to minding our own business....caring for ourselves and what's ours to tend, sans shame or guilt.

It's ok.....even if it doesn't feeeeel ok.... it's still ok.

Good luck working your housing program to the be est possible outcome, ((Tupp.))

I will look out that book, Lighter, thank you.  It is sooo painful and I don't like/want to be on lots of pain meds.  I've had to take some to get through the week but I'd rather find ways of making it begone so will look for that book, thank you.

Re the fawning, I didn't even realise I did that until I read about it.  It's difficult isn't it, there's a fine line between smiling and nodding in an unimportant situation just to get out of it quickly (talking to someone in line at a store, for example), there's times you might be at someone else's house for a get together so you bite your tongue and just yep and uhuh to avoid a scene - and then there's times when you trip over yourself to make someone else feel comfortable when there's really no need to and that's what I realised I do a lot.  I can't imagine how much time i've wasted over the years listening to people drone on when I didn't need to.

I don't know what her deal is with the pet sitting, it's very odd.  Their holiday's been booked for two years (she's talked about it loads), it's costing a fortune (she's told me repeatedly) so why she's waited until now to sort out animal care or why she thought of asking me I just don't know.  But I keep saying to myself, I don't mind doing someone a favour but I'm not responsible for other people's pets (or kids, homes, gardens, health or anything else).

Yes to minding our own business and letting other people mind theirs

[Hopalong]

My dodgy back sends solidarity, Tupp.
I'm gutted for you too.

On the other hand, this is an opportunity to really take the time you need to choose your next, and hopefully forever, home. All those aging things in mind: I pretend it's not real but know it is. One level is easier (though stairs do keep legs strong). A bit of green feeds the soul (and cat's). Noise matters if you're sensitive to it. A bus stop very close keeps you active. Activities for both of you do the same. Shops, doctors, community.

When I first moved from country to town after my divorce I thought it'd break my heart. Then I discovered the lovely indoor public swimming pool a block from my door, the sweet old woman right next door, little kids riding bikes, friendly couple down the street who loved a check-in chat on a walk, etc. I realized after years outside town that I had been very lonely in that lovely place.

You know it all, I'm just a knowitall. LOL.

Will be riding in the back seat in spirit to cheer you on!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

My dodgy back sends solidarity, Tupp.
I'm gutted for you too.

On the other hand, this is an opportunity to really take the time you need to choose your next, and hopefully forever, home. All those aging things in mind: I pretend it's not real but know it is. One level is easier (though stairs do keep legs strong). A bit of green feeds the soul (and cat's). Noise matters if you're sensitive to it. A bus stop very close keeps you active. Activities for both of you do the same. Shops, doctors, community.

When I first moved from country to town after my divorce I thought it'd break my heart. Then I discovered the lovely indoor public swimming pool a block from my door, the sweet old woman right next door, little kids riding bikes, friendly couple down the street who loved a check-in chat on a walk, etc. I realized after years outside town that I had been very lonely in that lovely place.

You know it all, I'm just a knowitall. LOL.

Will be riding in the back seat in spirit to cheer you on!

hugs
Hops

Lol thanks Hops, yes, all of those things are what I want.  One level I might not get as they tend to reserve that for older/disabled but all the other things are on my checklist.  The area I particularly have my eye on is a group of 3 relatively small towns fairly close by one another, good transport links, plenty going on in each town but none of them are particularly hectic or high crime sort of areas.  So should be possible to find fairly quiet but still within easy reach of stuff.  What I'd really like is enough activity for son that as he outgrows things and/or gets bored of them, there's other stuff for him to do.  Disability provision is so limited, it's mind blowing really that there's so little available and so much of it is the same.  I genuinely have more choice over where to board the cat than I do of places for son to socialise which is shocking.  So if I can find somewhere with enough sets of different things happening that he can pick and chose a bit, and dip in and out when he wants to, that would be really good.  Definitely need public transport; I'm driving but even short distances are really painful and getting in and out of the car is hard.  I'm hoping my back won't stay like this - it is improving - but I know it could become permanent and that is a worry. We'll see what comes up.  I would like to get going before winter sets in again but much of it is out of my hands so we'll just have to wait and see   I have started packing, though   Lol

[Twoapenny]

Had another incident similar to the 'will you look after my pets' one so am now thinking about my own behaviour and what it is I do that brings this out in other people.  It's not being asked a favour that I mind, it's the sort of sneaky round about way it's happening and the time it's taking me to extricate myself from it.  Yesterday I had two missed calls and a text message from someone, I messaged back and said I'd have time to talk tomorrow (today now) and I'd call them then, got another message that suggested it was urgent so I rang.  It wasn't urgent, she could have looked it up for herself in less time than it took her to keep contacting me, it could have been put off until we meet in person at the weekend.  She also wanted directions for where we're meeting, went through it with her three times and she still wasn't sure, couldn't explain it any clearer, for some reason she doesn't use map or sat nav. 

I think I get anxious at the thought of not doing what someone else wants (ie picking up the phone, answering the door, agreeing to things before I know what's wanted).  But I seem to attract people who have that kind of neediness about them.  They will react if they don't get what they want when they want, whereas there are other people I know who, if I said I was busy today and I'll call them tomorrow they'd say no problem and it wouldn't concern me.  So I need to work out how to swich off the radar that I seem to send out that draws those sort of people in.

I think part of it with me is that I don't select people, I wait for them to select me (you're not an apple waiting to be picked, Lighter!  I always think of that lol).  I find rejection hard, even a soft rejection of a phone call not being returned or a text reply three weeks after a message was sent. I also feel I don't have anything to offer people so I don't feel up to inviting someone round for coffee and then, truthfully, being embarrassed by my life and the way I live.  Hmm, hadn't realised that before.  That's quite a big one.  I suppose essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with.  But the neediness in me attracts the ones who then lead me to sitting here writing about angst online   Lol.  So I guess I need to be less needy?  And level up more so that I feel I can say to someone, come round for a coffee and not be embarrassed.  Okay.  I'm thinking out loud.  Time to dial down my own neediness, I think.

I think I need to work on my own routine as well.  The conversation with her really drained me, it threw my evening routine out and I ended up not doing what I wanted to get done and went to bed in a mood.  Haven't slept well so the disruption has carried on into today and this is all because I couldn't just ignore my phone or say no, I've no time today.  Need to make my routine more robust so I don't get derailed as well, I think.

[lighter]

All that resonating with me, Tupp.

AND I'm dealing with a sort of rejection in that ...the couple with the baby cleaning crew decided not to take us on....and I think it's about the Resident Evil Angel art piece in the master bedroom.

Note to self .....always say it's an angel if protection!!!  The husband was covered in Christian tattoos and clothing.  They turned down a $550 cleaning fee.  I'm feeling shaken and gut punched, truthfully.

On the other hand, something right will eventually be arranged.  I feel that too.

Old pathways converging with newly cultivated pathways, I guess.

I'll mindfully focus on  solutions and assuming this is for the best.

Hmmmm.  I immediately feel better. 

Wow.

Reminds me of the saying...
"What you fear will find you."

About your internal review....
Nonjudgmental observer mode is a productive balm, IME.

Lightrr

[Hopalong]

Tupp, as ever your deep honesty with yourself amazes me. Here it is:

...essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with

You're hardly alone in this, as probably every other house on every street contains someone who's getting yanked by insecure feelings all through their lives that are exactly the same. Shame triggers, low self-respect, trauma-reaction patterns, all of that. I've had calamitous times, short or long, because of them. A LOT less with age.

Self-esteem gets written about in such treacly ways. But I believe what's at the heart of all those strenuous efforts to teach people positive affirmations, meditations on self-compassion, vulnerability, etc. is truth that does heal people and change their interactions with others and ultimately their lives. Imo.

I think you're brilliant the way you think things and feelings all the way through. Really astonishingly open and intelligent. Not dismissing how you feel, but not avoiding a deeper dive that can give you inner space to ask questions without fear.

It is SO impressive to me.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

All that resonating with me, Tupp.

AND I'm dealing with a sort of rejection in that ...the couple with the baby cleaning crew decided not to take us on....and I think it's about the Resident Evil Angel art piece in the master bedroom.

Note to self .....always say it's an angel if protection!!!  The husband was covered in Christian tattoos and clothing.  They turned down a $550 cleaning fee.  I'm feeling shaken and gut punched, truthfully.

On the other hand, something right will eventually be arranged.  I feel that too.

Old pathways converging with newly cultivated pathways, I guess.

I'll mindfully focus on  solutions and assuming this is for the best.

Hmmmm.  I immediately feel better. 

Wow.

Reminds me of the saying...
"What you fear will find you."

About your internal review....
Nonjudgmental observer mode is a productive balm, IME.

Lightrr

Oh wow, Lighter, well yes, it hits us all in different ways!  But like you say, it paves the way for someone better/different/better suited to your situation (angels or no angels!).  People can be funny.  Non judgemental observer is helping me so much right now.  Back is feeling better, too - not great, but can move more easily and I'm not waking myself up every time I roll over.  Fingers crossed the right people come along for you soon enough.

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, as ever your deep honesty with yourself amazes me. Here it is:

...essentially I don't feel I'm on the same level as the kind of people I'd like to spend time with

You're hardly alone in this, as probably every other house on every street contains someone who's getting yanked by insecure feelings all through their lives that are exactly the same. Shame triggers, low self-respect, trauma-reaction patterns, all of that. I've had calamitous times, short or long, because of them. A LOT less with age.

Self-esteem gets written about in such treacly ways. But I believe what's at the heart of all those strenuous efforts to teach people positive affirmations, meditations on self-compassion, vulnerability, etc. is truth that does heal people and change their interactions with others and ultimately their lives. Imo.

I think you're brilliant the way you think things and feelings all the way through. Really astonishingly open and intelligent. Not dismissing how you feel, but not avoiding a deeper dive that can give you inner space to ask questions without fear.

It is SO impressive to me.

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hopsie.  Do you know, today was so different.  I made a list, kept my phone switched off, didn't check any messages on my laptop and got everything done without any interruptions and without any anxiety.  Checked messages after dinner, got back to a couple of people, sent a couple of emails and switched it all off again.  So I got everything done without getting in a flap and the funny thing I realised is, it's feeling anxious that makes me start flicking through my phone and checking my emails, and then I get more anxious because I'm not getting enough done and I can't concentrate because I'm doing too many things at the same time.  How silly is that, that I feed my anxiety by doing things that make me feel more anxious.  Bonkers.  And on top of that, because I got some useful things done at home and finished reading my book, I now have two things I can mention if someone says 'what have you been up to', instead of my usual blind panic of feeling I've done nothing worth mentioning.  Mad how something as small as a change in routine can change your headspace as well.

I would love my self esteem to be healthier.  I know no-one feels incredible all the time and everyone has periods of self doubt (apart from personality disorder type people but that's a whole other thing ) but it would be nice to feel there is a bit of substance to me again.  Hopefully little changes lead to bigger ones xx

[lighter]

You know, Tupp....it hit me last night.

What if...
I/certain others
hold an unconscious belief around
self care = doing for others?

I honestly get an endorphin surge when I do for others, think about it, plan it.....it occurred to me to do for others
after l was on the road 4 hours,
trapped in a truck stuffed with stinking trash after cleaning the lake house for 13 hours on top little sleep....running up stairs and down stairs.....many many very many many stairs....
Occurred to me that doing for others, in a time of intense fatigue/frustration/disappointment/problemwith housekeeping....to do for others, rather than self and I was focusing on self care!!
I realized....
part of my self care ritual is doing for others😬😵‍💫😵

Others.

Not myself.

Holy guacamole, Tupp.

I found myself