Checking In

[Twoapenny]

Had 24 awful hours and then it's just gone.  So weird, it's almost like it just needs to be seen, heard and acknowledged, and then it can go away again. I danced last night, indoors, closed the curtains, put my headphones on and just danced.  And I imagined my little five year old self dancing and laughing with a really bright, happy, carefree mummy who just whirled her around and enjoyed being with her.  I cried; I have no memories of fun and laughter with any adult in my childhood.  We just learnt to keep quiet and keep out of the way.  I don't remember ever seeing my mum happy and carefree.  Likely she never saw her mother than way either.  And I don't know how often my son has seen me happy and carefree.  Not as often as he should have done.  So happy and carefree is my aim now, whatever we're doing, I want the stress and the pressure to be minimised and the happiness and carefree stuff to be much more plentiful.

[lighter]

No quick fixes, Tupp.  Just tending to the wounded and protective parts.  Understanding they belong. 
They don't need to be banished, only understood and tended to, though it feels horrible.....it leads to relief and new perspectives and choice, IME.

You're doing the important work, Tupp. 

[Hopalong]

Tupp, I remain absolutely awed by the power and depth of your insights, your courage in self perception, your intelligence in perceiving it all not just bluntly, but with incredibly productive nuance.

Too rushed to say more but REALLY, woman, you are an extraordinary person.

In your next life you would be an astonishly gifted therapist.

And, the sadness of your memories, and the poisoning fear, really move me. I am completely confident that you will not marinate in sorrow and fear for the rest of your life. You've found it, named it, and shamed it. You don't deserve to have these be your primary feelings day after day. Really. You don't. You can comfort that scared and sad little girl.

Dunno if it'd work for you but a loving encounter with my inner child was one of the most powerful healing moments I have ever had. Just went into a sort of daydreaming trance and I went into "her" room and there she was. Myself, about five years old. I bent down and looked into her face -- she was me -- and saw such sadness. I told her: I am so sorry I couldn't be there for you then, but I'm here now, and I'll never leave you again. She looked at me and put her arms around my neck. Sitting in my living room, I actually felt the weight of her little arms touch my shoulders. And we were okay.

It was astounding, because she was real. And I knew I had truly comforted her, and she me. I always thought "inner child" was a kind of cute abstraction, until that day.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I didn't see your last post before responding, Tupp.  How amazing is the relief of sitting in nonjudgmental awareness to tend to what's there?  Astonishing release!

I hope you make dancing a regular habit.  I always smile and wonder why I don't remember to dance more often.  It truly is a shortcut to joy🪺

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, dancing is the best thing ever, I used to dance everywhere, all the time, and even after I had my son once he'd gone to bed in the evening I'd dance round the sitting room rather than watching the TV.  I'm trying to remember when I stopped and I can't.  But I am definitely starting again now   Albeit with less energy than before lol xx

Hopsie, my wish really is that some of this internal analysis would result in some changes in my external world, because that's what I really want.  I do think that inner child stuff can do some really powerful things, like you say, it can seem so real and I do think it does powerful things to people.  I have felt for many years now like i'm cursed.  I've tried so hard and worked so hard and yet time and time again the same obstacles come up in front of me and it always seems very unfair and unjust.  I had a really bad night's sleep on Saturday so did nothing all day Sunday.  And by the evening - I found myself wondering if, instead of being 'cursed' the universe has been telling me all this time I'm on the wrong path.  I don't know, but I found myself thinking of very different options for myself and son, living a different sort of lifestyle and then, as is often the case, a YouTube video popped up of a lady doing what I'd love to do, then a friend got in touch out of the blue with an idea about some work together next year, then i got an email from a lady in response to an add I put out ages ago about finding people to live communally/co-operatively with.  So I think I'm going to try pushing in the opposite direction of the one I've been trying for the last fifty years and see if it works.  I will give details if things start going well!  Or at least differently lol xx

[Twoapenny]

I've had my first narcissistic interaction in a long time today and it's funny how it still upsets and unsettles me so much, despite knowing it, recognising it and removing myself from the situation as quickly as possible.  It's to do with a possible house move and long story short, one person involved (there does seem to be a certain kind of woman that really sets off my spidey senses!) has seemed throughout to be a bit manipulative, not completely honest and I felt she was pulling a lot of people's strings.  Have kept involved as necessary but only as necessary with regards to the move and no more than that.  It then transpired that she couldn't have our home as her family is too big for it so the landlord would not permit.  Secretly i was relieved to not have to deal with her anymore but at the same time, my senses had been prickled and I screen shot all the messages in case she caused problems further down the line.  She disappeared for two weeks, then reappeared today and basically asked me to turn a blind eye to her making a fraudulent claim for the tenancy.  Of course I've said no and removed myself from the situation, informing the others involved that I would not be proceeding (although not mentioning what she wanted to do).  As sure as night follows day the next message was hurt indignation that I'd misunderstood the situation, she was simply trying to help me out, she had lots of other options but she'd prioritised me over them all but if I didn't want to go ahead she would accept it whilst not understanding how I'd misconstrued her kind offer.

I've not responded at all, I know the best thing to do with these sort of people is not engage, but it's odd the way that mindset works identically in all of them.  They're told no and won't accept it, they come up with a way around it that puts several people's homes at risk (which no sane person would do) and then when told no again they play the victim and claim it's all a big misunderstanding and you're the one that's in the wrong.  It just surprised me that it still unsettled me so much, even after all this time and even with regard to something that's really been a limited amount of interaction and has ended quickly.  I guess it just opens up old wounds again.  I checked in with the other person in the group, they were quite appalled as well and said if I hadn't refused they would have done but it's still shaken me up a bit.  Not sure whether I should notify housing or not.  I'm just mindful of the problems my mother's caused in the past when I've said no to her.  No way of knowing whether this one's as deranged but I might just drop them a note in case.  Hate not knowing what to do in these situations.  Doing nothing would be my preference but knowing how many problems my mum's allegations have caused before it does make me feel uneasy.

[lighter]

Sounds like you've documented the situation well enough to let it be, but you do what you feel is good, right and protective, Tupp.

As for things changing.... there's power in setting intentions.  The saying ..."We are where we want to be" is layered and complicated, IME.  Not bc we want to remain stuck/cursed/transgressed against, but bc what comes next is unknown and scary.....giving up the familiar feels like falling into nothingness, maybe, sometimes.

As you said, the discomfort of living under stress is what moves us out and into new spaces, IME.  I'm paraphrasing, but it's excruciating with nose on painful pebbles, IME.

Less suffering with emotional distance, expanded view point......curiosity......zero judgement.

Man, I'm never gonna stop repeating that.  Not till it's solid and lives comfortably in my body.

Still.....it applies, imo. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, I decided to wait 24 hours to see if my anxiety was driving my thought processes or if doing any more was sensible - and within a few hours the anxiety subsided and yes, I've got screenshots if anything else occurred but I think it's unlikely she'd do anything malicious now.  She doesn't have the same connection to me that my mum did and I think that's what I need to keep in mind - I will encounter people like that but they won't have the same need to control so I can disentangle asap and they will move on to their next meal so to speak.  Glad I didn't do anything else now to be honest.  I think next time I'll take it one step further and leave it 24 hours before responding in any way.  I do still find that that behaviour immediately triggers "I'm going to lose my son", even though it's all so long ago now.  Funny, isn't it?

Anyway - nose off the pebble!  What is good is that all other areas of life are calm enough now that I can observe these things more objectively, take some time to figure it all out and they're quite minor so it's kind of like practise runs?  It wouldn't really have mattered if I'd notified housing about it all or not.  I'm glad I didn't now but equally if I had they wouldn't have launched an investigation, it would have just been noted on a file and never seen the light of day again so good thing to practise on.  Maybe that is the point of these people popping up over and over lol.

Expanded viewpoint, yes, that's what it is, can we step out of the immediate situation and find another way?  I think I can now.  What's really helped is my son is much more able to express himself now, so I'm having to guess less and he can just tell me what he's happy with and what he isn't.  He's also keen to try things out now which is really nice, for a long time I thought he'd never leave his room.  We're going to an eco event in a couple of weeks, few days of camping and lots of workshops all about using natural materials, growing food, building shelters and so on.  All very low key, you join in with what you want and ignore what you don't but he's up for it, he's helped sort the camping stuff out.  That's a big change.  So maybe this is where we need to head - more outdoor, practical, away from the public sector and more into the alternatives.  Will be nice to try it out anyway xx

[lighter]

I hope you're able to hold space to discern between the choices you're presented, Tupp.

See with fresh eyes....feel if they're heavy or light.  Reclaim emotional distance if it goes and remember it's ok.  It's going to come and go. 

Assigning judgement colors our perceptions, ime.  Just see what's there as you navigate new people and situations.  Trust your instincts and don't allow others to talk you out of your truth.

As for seeking out nature ..... I'm totally on board and happy ds is expressing himself clearly.  What a weight off your shoulders...reclaiming energy worrying what he'll want/not want. 

These are steps towards more clarity, more choices and more joy and I'll pray on that for a moment. 

I agree, normally upsetting situations become practice runs as one shifts POV and coping strategies. 

It feels like lifting the hood to see the reasons and workings involved in thought processes leading to expanding choices, IME.  I don't believe we're in our own way anymore.  It feels more like shifting loyalty and beliefs back to self while shedding unconscious beliefs around loyalty and holding lines drawn for us ....from birth to present.  Esp when punishment and withholding of compassion were/are applied.  It's buried in the Nervous System, waiting to be mined, considered and accepted.....to be what it is.  Such relief to simply identify and understand  thought processes.  One may consider reactions vs responsiveness or opportunities to be more responsive, sans fight or flight, IME.  The more one catches fight or flight, early/before it lands, the more pathways develop and strengthen, IME.

At some point, mindfulness dispels and clarifies.  It's not magic.  It's practice and being so very kind to ourselves.....returning when we meander onto old pathway, without judgement.

Guilt, shame and judgement is someone else's dis-eased  language, IME.  Installed and grown into little escapable cells.  A true stupid trap....a trap with an escape one can't see, but is there, nonetheless.

One can learn new languages at any age.  I feel we're learning, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

Not scary if one drops judgement and seeks curiosity....mostly, IME.  When it is scary, things resolve, eventually, depositing more stability and belief in self, IME.

I'm picturing you

[Hopalong]

Hi (((((Tupp))))),

You've mentioned so many times how well Son responded to moving to where you ar now. I know it was good for both of you at first, but your Traveler soul is stirring again. (Completely understand about the stairs getting to be too much.).

I just worry you're pursuing a "geographical cure", which is lexicon from AA, which has ZERO to do with you, but it made me wonder if constant moving for the utopian solution of location/lifestyle isn't....something. I dunno what.

You weren't asking for advice, but I wonder if deciding to take another year here before considering moving again (unless to the more physically accessible but nearby place to age in, which you've described -- via the house swap system) could be helpful.

I know I think you're okay and will be. Just struggle with the idea of y'all being uprooted once again. I found I have roots growing out the bottoms of my feet and was determined for a time to plant them. It absolutely drove me. Despite the various agonies I was going through, having home be home for 12 years now has really helped me heal stuff. FWIW.

Then again, maybe that one email from someone interested in communal living will take you in a new direction entirely and solve the lifestyle/isolation dilemma. If it does, I'm over here cheering my lungs out!

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I hope you're able to hold space to discern between the choices you're presented, Tupp.

See with fresh eyes....feel if they're heavy or light.  Reclaim emotional distance if it goes and remember it's ok.  It's going to come and go. 

Assigning judgement colors our perceptions, ime.  Just see what's there as you navigate new people and situations.  Trust your instincts and don't allow others to talk you out of your truth.

As for seeking out nature ..... I'm totally on board and happy ds is expressing himself clearly.  What a weight off your shoulders...reclaiming energy worrying what he'll want/not want. 

These are steps towards more clarity, more choices and more joy and I'll pray on that for a moment. 

I agree, normally upsetting situations become practice runs as one shifts POV and coping strategies. 

It feels like lifting the hood to see the reasons and workings involved in thought processes leading to expanding choices, IME.  I don't believe we're in our own way anymore.  It feels more like shifting loyalty and beliefs back to self while shedding unconscious beliefs around loyalty and holding lines drawn for us ....from birth to present.  Esp when punishment and withholding of compassion were/are applied.  It's buried in the Nervous System, waiting to be mined, considered and accepted.....to be what it is.  Such relief to simply identify and understand  thought processes.  One may consider reactions vs responsiveness or opportunities to be more responsive, sans fight or flight, IME.  The more one catches fight or flight, early/before it lands, the more pathways develop and strengthen, IME.

At some point, mindfulness dispels and clarifies.  It's not magic.  It's practice and being so very kind to ourselves.....returning when we meander onto old pathway, without judgement.

Guilt, shame and judgement is someone else's dis-eased  language, IME.  Installed and grown into little escapable cells.  A true stupid trap....a trap with an escape one can't see, but is there, nonetheless.

One can learn new languages at any age.  I feel we're learning, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

Not scary if one drops judgement and seeks curiosity....mostly, IME.  When it is scary, things resolve, eventually, depositing more stability and belief in self, IME.

I'm picturing you

You're right, Lighter, it's practise, and I'm getting there with it.  I think.  Only having relatively minor problems to deal with helps, it just means you can get in front of that 'fight or flight' response and try to eek the different strands out.  there's definitely stuff buried in the nervous system so I'm trying to do the yoga/dancing/shaking it out of my system stuff to reduce that.  It's definitely less troublesome than it used to be.

It's funny but my son had a minor procedure yesterday, very small, local anaesthetic, out in half an hour and he was absolutely fine afterwards.  But I was so wiped out when we got home because I'd been so anxious and had held it all in.  I know there's been a lot of that over the years, and I think maybe other minor things get stuck.  They're not a big enough problem to deal with or focus time on, but they sit there and niggle away a little.  I think maybe a lot of that sort of stuff needs to find its way out now.  Maybe the minor mishaps are how that sort of stuff gets an outlet, finally x

[Twoapenny]

Hi (((((Tupp))))),

You've mentioned so many times how well Son responded to moving to where you ar now. I know it was good for both of you at first, but your Traveler soul is stirring again. (Completely understand about the stairs getting to be too much.).

I just worry you're pursuing a "geographical cure", which is lexicon from AA, which has ZERO to do with you, but it made me wonder if constant moving for the utopian solution of location/lifestyle isn't....something. I dunno what.

You weren't asking for advice, but I wonder if deciding to take another year here before considering moving again (unless to the more physically accessible but nearby place to age in, which you've described -- via the house swap system) could be helpful.

I know I think you're okay and will be. Just struggle with the idea of y'all being uprooted once again. I found I have roots growing out the bottoms of my feet and was determined for a time to plant them. It absolutely drove me. Despite the various agonies I was going through, having home be home for 12 years now has really helped me heal stuff. FWIW.

Then again, maybe that one email from someone interested in communal living will take you in a new direction entirely and solve the lifestyle/isolation dilemma. If it does, I'm over here cheering my lungs out!

hugs,
Hops

Thanks Hops, you've mentioned that AA thing before but it's completely different to our situation.  No traveller soul or utopia seeking here, we just need buses and social groups for disabled people.  I spent a year looking for ways not to move before accepting that we had no other option again, and have discussed it, at length with son, and he also feels there's not enough for him to do, that he's bored and he sees me struggling to walk some days and knows that could get worse.

A lot of people get anxious when I tell them we're moving again; to be honest I haven't mentioned it to many this time around.  I've never understood the attachment to houses.  Our home is wherever we are; it's where we have what we need, it's always comfortable and we can set it up anywhere.  The home part of it isn't relevant, what's important are the disability related external requirements, like suitable groups and sports facilities, public transport, easy access to shops and so on.  Yes, the peace and quiet here is lovely, but having to drive 200+ miles a week to get to basic things like the library, swimming pool and supermarket is expensive, impractical, time consuming, tiring and at times, very painful.  Not to mention impossible if I can't drive at all.   

I do feel sometimes that some people think I simply get bored one afternoon, stick a pin in a map and then randomly move house.  I spend months researching online; disability provision is different everywhere, there's no standardisation or minimum requirement.  We're on the lowest income level possible and below even the first rung of the property ladder which drastically reduces options for places to live.  We don't want to live in a high crime area, which is what goes hand in hand with low income and cheap housing so our options are reduced further still, and we need somewhere that allows a pet, which takes us to even fewer properties.  If and when we do find something, I have to pack the entire place on my own, whilst caring for my son, I have to find the money to pay for the men and the vehicle to move everything, I have to unpack it again at the other end, whilst also organising new doctors, moving referrals across, changing all the benefit awards and other change of address stuff and working a magic trick to ensure that we don't run out of my son's meds, which are prescribed in relatively small amounts and at very precise times to ensure stockpiling isn't possible, so getting enough to tide us over until I can get a script in at the new place is difficult.  All the while knowing that afterwards I'll have weeks of my back and joints screaming from the exertion, whilst being busy getting son out to new things and groups so that he doesn't sit in front of a screen festering.  We're skint for months before and after because of the cost of doing it and because moving house always means benefits are delayed, and this is all to be able to do things that people without disabilities don't even have to think about.  It's a huge amount of work and happens because disabled people in the UK are treated like shit, and so are unpaid carers.  I can't change the system on my own but I can do my best to make my son's life as happy and healthy as possible whilst also preserving my own the best I can.  I think most people just don't have to take all of that into account when they choose somewhere to live, plus most have more options as they have more money and/or a regular salary that can be taken into account.

[lighter]

Have we ever had a healing ceremony on the board.....never around the bonfire.  Seems everything's been preparing for battle.

We should have ceremonies for processing and release....for whatever anyone needs around the fire.
:nodding::.

If jumping and jarring works for one....maybe it'll help all.  If it's breathing the moon in and out ....maybe we all try.

I know I don't spend enough time focused on that kind of ritual, even though I know I'd benefit in ways I can't imagine.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Ahhh. I hear you and I believe you, and if it's a repeat, I'm sorry I can be so thick.

I think the real reason I started handwringing over the idea is that my heart just moaned at the notion of you having to go through it all AGAIN. But your reasons, as ever, are sane and sound and very responsible.

Man, I'd give a good TOOTH to protect you from that stress. On the other hand, I thin it's very likely that because you've researched and planned so many other forced moves that you'll make the next choice out of that wisdom -- and not from a panicky situation as you had to claw your way out of before Scotland. You have gotten much stronger and more confident and if there's anybody who knows what you and Son need and how to aim in a direction that will get you each more of that, it's you.

So count me in your corner, cheering and eager to know what paths are revealed. I really have no doubt about your ability to see them clearly. You're not going off to a caravan park of hippies...you're looking for stability and more happiness for both of you. Come to think of it, you always report precious Son as adaptable, bright, and willing to discover New right along with you.

I'm not asking what Cat thinks. But do ask and report back. And if you'd like a half-Mephistopheles, half adorable puppy, I'm sure mine can fly cheap....

hugs and support,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Have we ever had a healing ceremony on the board.....never around the bonfire.  Seems everything's been preparing for battle.

We should have ceremonies for processing and release....for whatever anyone needs around the fire.
:nodding::.

If jumping and jarring works for one....maybe it'll help all.  If it's breathing the moon in and out ....maybe we all try.

I know I don't spend enough time focused on that kind of ritual, even though I know I'd benefit in ways I can't imagine.

Lighter

Definite need to shift focus towards healing, releasing and letting go, I think, Lighter, and leave the battle grounds behind.  I'm kind of wishing now I'd followed my heart years ago, maybe even left the country.  But my worries about my son's adult life and his needs being met meant I thought I should keep one foot in the system for his sake.  Now we're at adulthood and there's still no-one else to meet his needs.  Kind of thinking it would have been better to take a different path many years before.  Hindsight and all that.  But yes, I'm done with battling.  Join in my dance or bugger off is my attitude now I need to prioritise that sort of thing now, I know I still tend to do what needs to be done first, and then I've run out of day/time/energy by the time that kind of ritual and self care comes about.  Time to refocus that, I think xx