Checking In

[lighter]

Seems the harder I want to let it all go, the tighter it holds onto me.  Makes me sad to think of it clinging....afraid and confused.

Today I'll try to notice the wounded and protective parts.....let them know they belong....not my intention to leave them behind.

I'll try to remember to invite them to be my allies.  To dispel the emotional charges.... agree we'll do the work together.

Yup yup yup.

Will see if I have the energy for a bonfire, if it cools down.



I'll try to focus on that today, though I'm a bit distracted.  And there in lies the practice.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Seems the harder I want to let it all go, the tighter it holds onto me.  Makes me sad to think of it clinging....afraid and confused.

Today I'll try to notice the wounded and protective parts.....let them know they belong....not my intention to leave them behind.

I'll try to remember to invite them to be my allies.  To dispel the emotional charges.... agree we'll do the work together.

Yup yup yup.

Will see if I have the energy for a bonfire, if it cools down.



I'll try to focus on that today, though I'm a bit distracted.  And there in lies the practice.

Lighter

I've had similar, Lighter - it's almost like the coping part of yourself becomes a living thing in its own right and doesn't want you to manage better and not need it anymore.  Maybe it does become like a needy friend that we have to disentangle from.  And hard in the same way, because they used to be a help but not they're a burden and it always feels difficult and maybe ungrateful?  That's how it felt for me at one point anyway, I felt like 'she' was really upset that she'd done so much for me and now I didn't want her.  It's how I've felt towards others at times, when I've helped them through a difficult patch and once they're doing better they go off with other friends or a new boyfriend or whatever it might be and I'd be left wondering what happened.  I have found guided meditations useful, just ones off YouTube but to do with releasing trauma, past experiences, unhelpful habits and that sort of thing.  Seems to shift things around for me.  I hope something eases you out of this difficult spot.  I will have a bonfire if it ever stops raining long enough   Lol x

[lighter]

Rain .....falling on Scottish moss ...makes me want to wear rain boots and dawn a cotton shift to dance under a tarp by firelight, after turning my face up to the rain.....smiling.

And, yes ...the coping parts are real, IME.  If we ignore or wish them banished .....they get larger and stronger.....what we fear will find us.  Always.

[Twoapenny]

Rain .....falling on Scottish moss ...makes me want to wear rain boots and dawn a cotton shift to dance under a tarp by firelight, after turning my face up to the rain.....smiling.

And, yes ...the coping parts are real, IME.  If we ignore or wish them banished .....they get larger and stronger.....what we fear will find us.  Always.

Aw yes to dancing in the rain!  We're away camping at an eco festival later this week - hopefully not too much rain but definitely fires, dancing and lots of nice people.

I'm working on my need to not get things wrong - but also to not get them too right.  We lived on a tightrope as kids - constantly criticised but equally derided for doing something well.  It's left me in a bit of a no-man's land, treading water, doing enough to not be 'bad' but not too much or I'll be too good.  Definitely helps to acknowledge the coping mechanisms, talk to them, explain why we don't need them now, maybe?  The last couple of mornings I've written a letter to myself, encouraging, praising, explaining, the way I would do to a friend, but don't feel able to do to myself.  It feels like it's helping.

We had two dry days so I got the grass cut.  Garden full of birds this morning.  Thunderstorm, which we watched but didn't go out in in case we got electrocuted.  Busy morning while son was at his group, bought the supplies for camping, posted off more stuff we've sold, took another bag of unwanted items to the charity shop (goodwill?  Is that what you call it over there?).  Chat with a friend this afternoon.  Dinner is cooking, then planning a bath, paint toe nails etc.  Then some yoga and maybe more relaxing stuff after that.  Or maybe dancing, who knows   Hope you are dancing in the rain, Lighter xx

[lighter]

Looking forward to an update, Tupp.  I hope camping is joyful for you and son.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Me, too.
All the dancing yoga joyful self care sounds awesome, Tupp. You really do get into the flow at times and I'm taking notes.

For different reasons, I felt tightropey too in childhood. It's too easy for me to slip back into that now. But I've figured out I have to be tougher about NOT putting things on the calendar and just leaving time open for extended periods. That's a wole lotta what looks like lolling around, but it's what refills my batteries at a trickle pace.

I remember biting my fingernails until they bled, and when I was little and limber, my toenails too. For me it was the bullying (brother at home, girls at school). My parents meant well and my dad was a comfort, but so exhausted and busy he only had a few minutes for me...also, mom wanted his full attention all the time. Sigh.

Today, when I have some obligation I forget or don't tend to, I notice my shoulders become hard as rocks.

I'm meeting the Sikh once a month now and really look forward to each conversation. He doesn't "fix me" but asks me a lot of excellent questions. He was pointing out that my loss of Pooch is major, so the last few months of not feeling capable is not weird. Compassion absolves, always, I think.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Thinking about you guys and processing childhood trauma while having coffee with the hummingbirds and a hungry little finch....and REM popped into my head.

I wonder if, when you catch it, the moments of feeling bad/not good enough....
you recognize them, ask  (hummingbird chirping just now) ask them to notice with you while practicing REM......if that shifts anything.

My T would use her fingers about 18" away from my face, moving faster than I could follow with my eyes.  It was overwhelming to try.  She suggested I choose 2 spots on the wall.....either side of a doorway maybe, at edges of peripheral vision,vto practice alone.

Of all the things she's given me......that's popped up this morning and is doable.  My eyes feel a bit dizzy, but I'll continue shifting reactivity around family till coffee is done. 

I hear the hawks hunting in the yard.  So many distractions....fishermen sound so close ... like they're on the porch. 

Back to REM for at least 2 more rounds.  Do you have a light you use, Tupp or was that your T's?

Wow.....my focus is so sharp.  I can spot the 2 separate hummingbirds and a little squirrel sitting in the trees.  Something sounds like it's crying.... it's a few trees back.  Can't spot it yet, but I see the branch the hawk likes to sit on. 

: uncrossing legs:: REM.... I chatter my teeth back and forth..... they're trying to help my eyes keep up, I think, lol.

The crying noise is coming from a squirrel.  Sometimes that noise goes on into the night.  Assuming a nest was pillaged by an owl....they hunt at night.

:: uncrossing legs again::  Remembering to breath and commence REM again......stretch and.....I see stars and the lovely maternal spirits I've recently hosted at the lake pop up for me.  The house has never been so clean or cared for. 

Kayakers, not fishermen, float gently by and that's my sign to attempt smart TV set up, sans oldest DD's help, darnit 🪺

We're here, waiting for you, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Just a great big AHHHHHH, Lighter. Thanks for all that description.

Tupp, sorry for my hijack of the thread, going into my childhood. I guess I just think all of us and what we are at our cores happens in those early moments, but they aren't prison stones, they are touchstones. I feel better when I dip back to acknowledge it all because it says I had my reasons, and remembering reduces shame.

How not to get stuck in my sticky early wounds? More nature, more love, more friendly touch/hugs, more laughter. More liking.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well the camping trip was a disaster.  Son couldn't cope at all and we had to come home early.  There's work being done in the house so walls need to be stripped and rooms emptied so at home is chaos at the moment and isn't a nice or relaxing space to be in.  Just got off the phone to a friend, ninety minute conversation during which I had a minute by minute account of a day trip they went on a little while ago, ninety minutes.  I think I am generally done with people.  I can't remember the last time I had a really good, deep, funny but also serious conversation with anybody.  Years, decades, probably.  The conversation ended because I cut it off but it just left me so tired and wishing I'd spent the time getting some more tidying up done instead.  Now we're away out for the evening; I'm tired before we even go.

[lighter]

((Tupp)) do you think your friend was trying to make you feel better or in some way competing with your terrible trip?  In any case, you have less energy and patience for listening to ramblings of others, bc you're human and realize you have choice in the matter. 

And....you did your best to dial in your son's interests while meeting his needs.  You always do.  Not every decision will be perfectly suited.  Perhaps at a different time, it might.  Just not now.

Rest as you can, ((dear one.))

This too shall pass

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I don't think the friend has any ulterior motive, Lighter, I think she's just one of those people that can't pull out the important details from the unimportant ones and so just includes everything.  I wanted to know about her trip, I asked her to tell me about her trip and I was looking forward to hearing about it.  But I think twenty minutes would easily have covered it in enough depth.  It was literally every detail from the moment they left their house to the moment they got back again and it was just too much, and went on for too long.  There are also frequent diversions to the other time something happened, or someone else they know who went to the same place, and the conversation they had with the lady they met who turned out to know someone they used to live next door to and it just goes on like that.  I don't think I could talk on any topic for ninety minutes?  I sometimes did talks on books we were reading in school to small groups who were doing additional study and that would be about half an hour, and that felt like a huge amount of time to fill.  I'm tired again just thinking about it lol x

[lighter]

Ugh.....sorry you're reliving it.  Maybe a little autism going, as I notice a duty towards giving all "relevant" facts often when recounting experiences too!  It's tedious for me!

How's the house hunt going?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've had a few friends who talk that way for 90 minutes.

Today, though, I can't do it. The main one starts up and after a while I'll say kindly, I've got about 10 more minutes, can you give me the summary?

I've felt in the past huge anxiety building when I NEEDED to interrupt her stream-of-consienceness but DIDN'T. I think the art of "gentle interruption" is key, and gets easier with practice.

But it sounds like your friend never took a breath. It's difficult to interrupt when you believe in politeness and patience as core values. But having an alligator chomping inside your guts and screaming brain while they drone onnnnnnnnnnnnnn is difficult too.

Rest up! I get how draining that was.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I've been busy focusing on practical things rather than existential naval gazing the last few weeks   Thinking about what I want, how to get it, where I'm going wrong, how I can change things, whilst still meeting son's needs and juggling the usual 'boring but necessary' stuff we all have to do.

I've been re-evaluating myself and those around me, too.  We went away for a few days and the nicest thing about being away was that everyone we met was in a good mood, doing something they were enjoying (we went to a touristy type area and there were loads of Americans!  Plus lots of Brits, some younger European travellers and a couple of Australians).  I realised that everyone I know in real life has problems and is currently in a difficult place, likely to get worse.  Generally it's health related problems.  I don't think I know anyone without significant health problems now?  And most of the people I know - maybe even all of them - are not taking steps to try to improve or change their situations.  Even though they aren't happy or doing well as they are.

I feel enormous guilt at not problem solving/checking in every day/focusing myself entirely on other people's problems.  I know I shouldn't, I know it is illogical and I know I have enough of my own problems to focus on.  But being away made me realise how much I focus on what is going on outside of and around me, rather than what is inside me, what I'm made of and want I want.  Even driving yesterday, I realised I had sat behind a learner driver for about ten minutes, when I could easily have passed.  But I didn't want them to think I was impatient with them driving slowly so I'd sat there.  It wasn't even a conscious thing, I suddenly realised I didn't need to be there and I'd automatically put the comfort of a person I didn't even know above my own needs - and hadn't even stopped to think I had no way of knowing what they were comfortable with anyway.  Now I've seen it, I realised I do it all the time, in so many situations.  Without even realising I'm doing it.

The nice thing about being around people who are getting on with and enjoying life is that there are so many topics of conversation and it's not reduced to a blame game, which is what I find with most people I talk to day to day.  There were people with health problems and disabilities everywhere we went and, whilst that doesn't mean that everyone who is unwell or disabled can go and walk round waterfalls and go on sight-seeing trips, it did show me that a lot of the people I know personally could do more than sit in watching telly and moaning all the time.  I have avoided people since we got back.  I don't want to be the unofficial therapist who people offload on before going back to do more of the same that got them into the need to offload in the first place.  It's been an odd few days and it made me realise I am overly attached to the past.  I want, very much, to move forward, but I need to stop hanging my coat on other people's lives and start figuring out in my own way what I'm doing and why.

[sKePTiKal]

There are some deep truths in your latest observation. I want to ponder them a bit before giving feedback. Hol has been having her own revelations on this kind of thing too.