Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Journal - 2025
sKePTiKal:
Happy Solstice.
So, Hol's "sister & friends" reunion is underway. The landscaper friend was here all week - but staying at our place so he can sleep, talking with B - who is still unpacking, and tonight is the big shindig and slumber party. So it's been and is going to be a zoo. C may be coming for dinner with his friend Sunday, when B & I are expected to put in an appearance with whomever is still here. I'm also expected to hang out with the girls today/this evening. We'll see. It's going to be 90+ degrees today and that will guarantee I'm out of commission for awhile. But B and I only had our first time alone yesterday afternoon. Then, crashed early.
Finally got the last of the garden in; it's a total weed fest out there and needs mowing and trimming. Our farm assistance (afore-mentioned Hol friend) trimmed a lot of the brush at the creek bank, so that feels less "close" now. And it doesn't give the deer a place to hide anymore. I swear it's rained for a month, daily. And now abominably hot and dry. I just can't win with the weather. But it seems like we didn't have much of a no-see-um hatch and not many skeeters either. Yet. Just got a half dozen more herbs to flesh out that garden (it's got more shade).
Been feeling over-run with people. Of course, Hol has been looking forward to this and busting butt to make it perfect. So much so, that when her first guest - her older half sister - got here, she kinda had a super late night and super-Hol meltdown. Her friend staying with me, told me the next day. B and I got out of there at a reasonable time. Our "excuse" is we're old folks and just can't function without sleep or hungover or emotionally drained... because Hol always needs to spew whatever the pop-psych analysis of everyone and herself is current and make everyone uncomfortable. Sigh. Attention, I guess, is still a need for her.
Anxiety, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and wanting to be important & the center of attention is bad for her. But far be it from me to open my mouth. I'll be made an example of "wrong, wrong, wrong". Maybe her older sister lectured her. I'm just keeping my distance for the weekend and hoping the rest of those women playing & having fun will satisfy whatever she's craving. She's getting too old for this crap.
I'm already there!
Hopalong:
Wise moves, Amber. Getting out of there early and prioritizing your self care. Sorry H is struggling to find what she needs, but I bet underneath the performance she reallyl has made progress. Only she will know, and that'll be years and years from now.
*One thing I wanted to offer a tiny and respectful quibble about...I'd query yourself why it's appropriate for you and C to pressure (or subtly "encourage") Hol to write. From the inside of the wire, I'd say it's the same as a mother dropping subtle hints about weight or some other deep change.
As a writer, I've often been urged to publish. Nothing alienates me faster than anybody pushing me to do that sacred, fragile, and profoundly intimate thing faster than I feel like it. For me, the most welcome space would be with fellow writers who accept what's on the page and mostly (not always) save the tedious focus on recognition (publication) for their own brains. I'll do it when and if I want to (in fact am sending one out to Passager, a good journal) and not a second before.
So I'd advise that no amount of clever or subtle "suggestion" will be missed. It'll register in a negative way, imo.
*[next morning: AAAAaaaaannnnnnd....woke up this a.m. thinking, I'll ramble over to VESMB, and it hit me right in the sleepy face about how I -- MOI! -- used to everything short of NAG you to do Amber art again. Ahem. Bustiered. Heist on me own petard. Etc.]
Forgive me for the outspokenness. Please. I'm sure I could've conveyed this opinion more artfully but don't have the energy in this heat. And with an exhausted mid-move houseguest.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
I was wondering how things were, with you, Amber.
So glad the garden's in. Makes me happy to read about your herbs, it's does. Pleased to read, you have time with B, again.
As for Hol's meltdown.....I don't think it matters what "caused"it. No one can control the outbursts , IME. Not saying you believe otherwise. Just say'in.
The question is..... what's creating the reactivity?
Does Hol know? Is she comfortable with it? Would she like it to change?
Sometimes my niece talks about her reactivity...can be explosive/stop everything and everyone. She identifies the same in her mother. She understands something is askew, talks about anger......towards both parents. She understands she has issues, but hasn't (to my knowledge) gotten beyond blame and anger. Yet.
Please excuse this unsolicited input, if not helpful or applicable. I'm feeling a bit melancholy, at the lake.....it feels like my 22yo DD, and niece's, little wounded child spirit's are in the house, with me, today.
For me.....when they're lashing out, melting down, I know.....there was trauma done to them, maybe not always on my watch, maybe not always in my presence, but I knew about much of the harm/had to allow it, in some cases.
They'll both have to find, and heal, their wounded parts....save them....if they can.
I think about that, and have to manage my emotions around it. Sit with the anger, and blame, till what's beneath comes through. Sadness, mostly.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
No worries Hops. I'm not suggesting she publish. More journaling - to put the things she's angry about OUT of herself, where she can analyze to heart's content (with herself) and put it safely to rest. (Lighter - that might cool the reactivity, also.)
Things were OK last night. I did have some days of anxiety over Amy being here. But needlessly. There were just enough guys around (3) to chill some of the energy out. The oldest half-sister Jen, is also level headed and a rock. They've had fun. Dogs have gotten along. No one needed first aid, ER, or a vet. Things get back to normal today.
C is here for a day or two, so she'll have her favorite company. And B and I will be done with appts. today and can chill. Except for things around here.
Hopalong:
Duh, of course. Journaling! That IS a brilliant suggestion for Hol. Maybe giving her a gorgeous blank one next gift-giving holiday. Boy did I make that all about MEEEEE....
Glad things went safely with all the peeps, particularly Amy. Older is soberer, I hope?
Lighter, your last two lines hit my chest. I'm sorry for the sorrow and hope it eases.
The world on fire is what's preoccupying me right now, trying to distract. Pup helps.
hugs
Hops
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