Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Nothing much really
lighter:
Your mother has her limits, as far as how far she'll escalate to gain your compliance, goes, IME.
You likely have an idea how far that is. I find getting slapped around in Court dulls a PD's energy......so don't fear the hearing. Might be a big surprise.
Focus on your evidence, like .....
1.Texts from mother and her flying monkeys.
2. Notes
3. Calendar of her unhinged calls, actions, etc.
4. Your calm responses.
Best not to mention anything you can't back up with evidence, IME. Just talking about PD behavior can make us appear unhinged IF we aren't backing it up with evidence, IME.
Your facts will inform the theory of your case/ your story, future actions, bc you're documenting, in case you get dragged back into court again.
Remember, when you put the negative stories on a shelf (fig.) you're able to pick up joyful things instead.
I find focus, on one thing, is a joyful activity. Doing dishes, putting a bird feeder out, discovering a happy bathing ritual....can all be walking meditation, IME. Doing that, often requires I pretend to put the negative stories on an actual, imagined shelf.
Whatever works for ya, is right for you, ((Meh.))
Lighter
Hopalong:
Stellar advice from Lighter, Meh.
My disturbed sociopath brother's testimony was disorganized, insinuating, and evidence free. (He acted as though he was buddy-bonding with the judge while telling him wild lies about me.) But, my lawyer and I had a rational, documented and detailed rebuttal to every one of his delusional accusations. And three character witnesses. One was a widely respected 90 year old classics scholar, professor emeritus. The judge and both lawyers knew his reputation and nearly melted when he walked in. And my brother's irrationality was obvious to everyone.
The judge put bro in his place and after an hour, he drove out of my life. For good. I actually felt sad for him as he walked past us on his way to the parking garage. He looked like the loneliest person in the world. (He didn't see us in the car.) My lawyer said, I understand. I felt it too. But if you see his truck going past the house again, call the police. And change the locks right now. I've never seen my brother since and the weight of several years of battling him and all the damage he did just poured off my shoulders.
Something the case did for me was the recognition that bullies don't always win. He'd bullied me all my life and his last effort failed completely. I behaved with dignity and clarity in court.
Lighter's tips are golden. Hope you'll go in confident in the truth. Don't focus on the outcome, focus on being your own ally in the present moment.
hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Some simple facts will be your best defense.
SHE tried to initiate contact with YOU, more times than the reverse. Phone calls & texts count as evidence, not just visits.
YOU don't want any contact with her, so a restraining order on you, is misplaced.
Never mind the outrageous lies, delusions etc that issue forth from the mouth of the PD via a silver tongue, that claims to have been put upon & wronged so aggregiously. I KNOW the fear that they'll be believed over you; you must do your best to put that aside - because a) it's not true and b) it is an active element of how YOU have been abused. Many people have seen manipulation and can see through mind games that have abuse or their own self-interest at the base.
She initiated this showdown at the OK corral. Time to tell YOUR TRUTH, and stand up for yourself. You can trust the facts and trust yourself. Not having been involved with the legal system before - I have no experience of how much I might be able to trust the discernment of the judge.
Meh:
At work.
And yes this bit: Just talking about PD behavior can make us appear unhinged.
It is crazy/crazy making to try to externalize and process it.
I've been so busy and my life is so inconveniently set up right now that I am not getting a lot done. I will come back to this and reread everything and just give what you guys are saying a few minutes to sink in because you all are making very very good points.
lighter:
Noticing what's not working in your routine...changing what you can to create more comfort and ease.....
paying attention to your inner world.....
internalizing the fact-you're no longer a small child at your M's mercy.....
extending yourself compassion and curiosity, consistently....
are daily care rituals you might step into, as you leave past rituals and belief systems behind, Meh.
As Hops said.....you can be you're own best ally. You will come to realize....you are your own best ally.
The crazy making pd behaviors can make us feel crazy, but must not make us act crazy, IME. PDs depend on unhinging us...they depend on our blurting out things they've done, truly, and giving the Judge reason to believe both parties are unstable, unreliable and....
9 times out of 10, the PD story makes more sense than our undocumented facts about the PD behaviors, IME.....
bc those behaviors make zero sense. It's really unfair to be a 100% truth teller, then labeled "non credible" by the court. Ouch. So painful, IME. That's why we look at our documents and craft our story around what we can prove
THEN zero in on what's relevant and not st important to the case at hand. It helps to pretend you're helping someone else pull things together.....as an observer, not as Meh fending off her unstable mother, kwim?
What advice would you give a younger niece, in this scenario? Get advice from folks with a clear perspective,candy lean on them. It's reasonable to feel overwhelmed. It's ok to ask for help. It's normal to become emotionally disregulated, then pull it back together and get the job done, better than you imagined you could.....and you will, Meh.
The court doesn't want the entire family history.
The court wants to focus ONLY on the facts in the Complaint before it.....and the facts each party can prove. I'll repeat this many times, bc it's easy to lose perspective, IME.
Remember that, when considering firing off an email or text. Evidence is evidence, in both directions.
She, with the best documentation, (usually) wins.
Judges will have space to punish the PD if we remain calm, rational and hold compassion for the PD, without fail.
You can state unflattering truths.....but you better sound like someone who wishes she didn't have to....
bc your mum is mentally unstable, but is still your mum. Judges want litigants to love, respect and still care about their crazy mums, IME, even if they're corrosive and egregiously harmful to you.
After living under siege, for so long ....
after fending her off, to the degree you've become accustomed.....
it will be a truck to find, Express and consistently extend compassion for your mother always, in word and deed, throughout legal skirmishes.
Even if your mum produces unflattering texts, etc, from you...... it's ok to be human, admit you made emotional choices in that moment, and get back quickly to the facts.
Keep it super short.
No shame or guilt.
Only human recognition of anything unflattering......you will bounce over it, unfazed, Meh.
You will take Hops, Amber and me, and our filters, into that hearing and SEE what's really there. Not what your mum is driving you towards, bc her nonsensical/ilu hinged reality is no longer yours.
I know you're exhausted. I know you have little bandwidth for this skirmish.
It's ok. It's normal. It's something you'll get through. and put behind you.
Lighter
PS. You will have moments of fear and dread. Typically, there's a sweeping energy of self protective energy that follows, and focuses you on what needs to be done to rebutt and restore sanity to the situation.
And....the PD might manage to sway one dumb bunny court officer, but she won't fool all of them. Trust the facts will shine a bright light on the truth, esp if/when the PD manages to produce something that appears to be negative on your part.
You still remain calm, sensible and rational. You treat it as opportunity to educate the court with your evidence and compassionate demeanor, (Meh.). All will be ok,even if it's not ok, IME
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