Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

Had a good chat with DD24 this morning.

She helped me move two huge fabric framed pieces of art out of way, in garage.  We talked about Cows, reactions and having choice vs responding.

Noticing choice or not noticing choice.

Choosing to react, but mindfully choosing it, vs not being aware.

For the most part, she agreed with everything. 

I will say, the discussion came from a place of huge compassion, for me, after watching me struggle, for a while, on my own, ending in a folded mattress breaking the leg on an antique folding file cabinet table filled with assorted beads, bows, costumes and bobbles.....what a mess.

Much was learned, discussed and I asked for help, received it and agreed to ask for help proactively in future.

I honestly thought I could handle the mattress.  Not clearing my path, first, was a problem.


I just stepped on a bit of fabric, from that event, and went down on my left knee, landing in a pile of bits.  Not injured, but must stop, clear some things up, then think through the rest of this transition.....moving sewing machine, costumes and supplies to other end of house, while living in the space.

[lighter]

Well, DD24 just texted a pic of another Grandma J letter.  This one sent to her apartment, which felt stalkerish to her, as her roommate is the only name on the lease.  I guess info could be had from the University....staff?  Voting records?  I'm not worried.  God knows, the girls are old enough to fend for themselves, should they have to.....but it's a reminder.  I should go ahead and pull together court records, applicable to real facts vs the delirium.

The girls have seen, or heard, or experienced the truth, through the years. They KNOW, but sometimes unhinged people start to sound credible, for lack of shame, IME.

It's the lack of shame.....that confounds me, in so many current situations.

The pug has vomited up her breakfast.
Twice.
She's laying on my chest, currently....and I thought I saw a little gray Hitler mustache......
it's just a little residual foam.

[Hopalong]

Yikes. Hope DD will use the timeworn RETURN TO SENDER when she's able.

Sorry about the knee owie!

Pup took me down a few days back. Sharing his excitement on his return from patrolling the property, dashed in all happy, blasted around a corner where I was standing and jumped at my leg (I'm a terrible trainer), hit the side of my knee and down I went. No horrid pain, but I'm still limping.

Meanwhile, he's become more cuddlesome and affectionate than ever in recent months. I learned something amazing I'm obsessed with, maybe already posted about it. Shih Tzus were bred in the 16th century for a very specific purpose: warming emperors' cold feet. They drill under bedclothes to the foot of the bed and lie directly over your feet. I had no idea a behavior that specific (and odd) could be genetically programmed.

Pup literally battles to get back onto my feet after I shove him off. It's kinda uncomfortable, 15 pounds of sand, etc. But his drive to be in that position blows my mind.

I've started to think that probably 90% of what we are and what we do is genetic.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Sorry about your knee, Hops.  The pug is always under foot, somehow managing to escape injury....mostly, though I feel she sometimes tries to end me.  Heal up.  Don't overdo while injured, if you can help it.

DD never opened the letter.  I'm impressed by her focus, and refusal to be yanked off center.  It's...... something I identify as.....well.  Sort of self protection, but not.
More......like..... she's removed from it ...far away from feeling obligated to give her time or attention to something harmful.  She doesn't doubt her circumstances....she doesn't feel conflicted about it.

  It is what it is, and she has two tests coming up, a bf she still adores.....a life to plan and live.  Friends. 

I think she's escaped the habit of overthinking, is what I think.  Good for her.  A blessing, imo. 

About little dogs and breeding and sleeping on feet.  Fascinating. And odd.  How did people think of these things, AND then manage to breed those kinds of things into DNA? 

We laugh about our pug coming from wolves...... can't find a drop of predator in her appearance, but must be there.

I'll mention the Return To Sender option.  Never occurred to me.

Lighter

[lighter]

T yesterday.  I was very much in need of the session.....trying to get myself out the lake door, back to renovation at the house, and Pug...... girls both gone, right now.

T session takeaways....
1. When my boat's tipping, return to internal self energy.....just do it, then keep doing it.

2.  Do 1 thing at a time.

Lighter

[lighter]

Third, important T reminder....
resistance, to what is, typically is where my struggles live.

Understanding that, is easy, IME.

Convincing, my younger parts, is another matter.

Yesterday, a holistic Lighter felt the hypocrisy, and irony, of suffering drama queen men, while enduring being unjustly labeled irrational/dramatic/sensitive, etc. She was pacing in circles, expecting apologies and something better, going forward.

I'm a friggin callous to the world, most of the time. Unflappable, focused on the mission, bending and placating grown baby men to keep the programs on track.... sometimes grown baby women too, of course, but the mission is the focus.

I've embraced the reality of mysoginy and  acceptance around it, however difficult.

I think "my people" are those who don't complain, whine, throw monkey wrenches, or ask for help, as default settings.

What does that mean?

Our wounded children likely have zero expectations of getting their needs met by others.....maybe.

I'm taking baby girl pug for follow up eye appointment.... it's still red. 

[Hopalong]

In terms of mindfully calming or de-stressing oneself, I've made a ridiculous discovery.

ASMR? Hope I got the acronym right. Anyway, a year back-ish, watching videos (maybe it started with Downton, dunno) I found myself toe-curlingly pleased in a full-body way with the sound of...drumroll...

Tires slowly rolling over gravel.

Can't fathom why. But every time I hear a nice stretch of that sound I smile, relax and just feel whole-body peace and pleasure.

Hope that doesn't mean I'll develop an unrequited crush on someone's driveway.

Anybody into ASMR-ish stuff?

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's smells for me, Hops. Fresh brewed coffee. Nag Champa incense. Damp, fresh, rich dirt. Chicken & dumplin's on the stove... frying bacon.

[Hopalong]

OOOOOOO. Niiiiice, Amber!

Now that you mention it, doesn't frying bacon sound a bit like slow tires on gravel? I forget. (I guess for me the wheels/gravel sound would be coming from some distance, through a window.)

Rabbit hole. Great-smelling, crunchy-sounding rabbit hole. It's so weird.

LOL
Hops

[lighter]

I really like the new age relaxation stuff, Hops.  It makes me want to meditate, stretch and focus.

Lovely smells, for me, typically run to pine, peppermint and, yes, coffee/roasting chickens.

Lighter

[lighter]

I made three batches of a chow fun flavored chicken and pork dish this morning.

Yesterday, the pug's food was cooked, mixed, portioned and frozen in, generally, 2.5 day portions.  Lots of goopy flax and chia seeds, plus ground flax and eggshells, pork, beef, yams, peas and green beans this batch.....avocado oil.

Pug's R eye was red, but steroid drops cleared it up.

Judging, less, is changing internal things, IME.  Feels insulating, from reactivity.  I suspect it's something else.