Predatory grooming

[lighter]

The link says page not available, Hops, but I have a positive ish update on this topic.

The GAL has withdrawn, after the Judge followed her recommendation to give unsupervised visitation to the dad, including Christmas out of the Country with him.

The child just reported grooming, and "much worse things" I didn't want to know, so the case seems back on track.....for the moment.....but only after sliding into the ditch.

There's another forensic examination involved, and a report to a teacher.

Terribleness....mixed with possible relief and healing.

On the other front......

My cousin's dd20 has been very quiet.....just reached out.....touches base, sans sharing much....mostly we discuss biochemistry, and how the brain and Nervous System go in and out of fight or flight.  It's quick .....and I know she's struggling. 

She did say all the books, I sent, arrived.  She's starting with Peace Is Every Step.

She's very bright......but, man......her daddy issues are..... terrifying.  I think she's been drinking with him, again.  I heard they were kicked out of a bar..... alcohol is poison for her, and it's all he wants to do.  He likes to get her drunk.

I thought she was ready to get a TRO against him, but she's..... unable to stay away from him, I guess? Maybe....there's a car crash and DUI involved?  Not sure if she was with him.

I can't say I understand it.  She's maybe too ashamed to talk about it. 

I will say this..... I try to see this without judgement....bc anger makes me dumb.

::thinking about her situation::.

He's weaponized her compassion.....and she's not built any defenses.  She doesn't know how.

Lighter

[lighter]

Ok.

::looking down::.

Lessons in divorce court with abusive people.

1.  ONLY bring up what is well documented, and can be proven.  Do not blather on about one's "truth," sans documentation.  It's the kiss of death to credibility, IME. Pick top provable 3.  Expect to get in 1, maybe 2....3 if the judge/GAL/T seems interested, IME.

2.  Brother Mud said this to me, and it still holds true ....
Speak to court officers without expectation.  List facts, provide your evidence, then allow listeners to come to their own conclusions.

My update is grim for the case I'm referencing.  The mother blurted a lot of crazy unfounded accusations, told GAL, and her attorneys (plural bc she didn't like what her third attorney was saying, so she hired 2 more, making it 5 total).....she told everyone what they must do, think and feel, with devastating consequences.

She's (a children's play T, btw)  coming across as punitive, and not much focused on the child's best interests.

If she continues this way, she may lose custody to a man she claims is abusing their 4yo DD, and maybe he is. 😢

He may take that child, back to France, if the mom goes through with plan to have him deported.

Some people can't hear anything, but their own reactivity, and I get that.  Esp when children's safety's involved.

It's a train wreck situation for her, and she's having loud breakdowns, and talking about adult things in front of her 3 children (11ds, 9ds and 4 DD) who are all out of control, including the family dog. 

Thinking about it makes me feel weak and defeated.  She'll spend all her equity....go deep into debt, and miss so much time being present with her children, which is the really devastating piece, IME.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZEn8ToQCeM

Send this to your cousin.

If she wants to win she's got to focus on FACTS (all the court cares about) and not her feelings.

She should google Narcissist in Court for loads and loads of actionable advice. (One tip that really strengthened me in court was: zero eye contact or even looking at my brother during the hearing. I stayed calm and my lawyer systematically presented our exhibits (including a detailed, point-by-point rebuttal I had written about bro's lies.)

Good luck to them.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Lighter, I can imagine how triggering your cousin's saga is for you. My hope is that she will take responsibility for learning how to prevail.

I generally haaaate AI, but googling The Narcissist in Court will bring up a ton of very actionable help. I'll never forget taking cues from one article literally. Never use the term "narcissist", don't cry or accuse, stick to FACTS and present them in a calm and organized fashion. Such as:https://www.docthenarc.com/getnow

I did not look at my brother or make eye contact with him once. I remained calm, serious, and focused on my "bizness." I brought a banker's box of documentation. No drama or emotionality, just very clear and detailed written responses, including summaries of the lies he told about me. Our side's information was very well organized and my lawyer explained the issues calmly and professionally to the court. N-bro was chaotic, trying to charm-bomb and male-bond the judge and opposing attorney, and basically not even sounding rational at times. I positioned myself so I didn't even have to look at him and stuck to that determinedly. (I could sense him almost twitching in confusion.)

The judge got wind of who my brother was pretty quickly, and I won. It felt like a miracle but I really think the deliberate withdrawal of "narcissistic supply" such as eye contact during court, as well as my detailed prep beforehand, saved me. Summaries and documentation were very within my comfort zone of writing.

So imn-ho, your cousin needs to search for this kind of info online, and pay attention to it. Her emotions will get her nowhere and undermine her chances of winning. Detailed documentation, even what I wrote (a summary of rebuttals of his lies and irrational accusations) are what a judge will take note of. It also helped that my lawyer stood up at one point and said, "Your Honor, my client is afraid of her brother." When the judge ruled he included that my brother had no further access to the house. The amount of stress that rolled off my shoulders in that moment could have washed the street.

As this person illustrates so well in her discussion, the court looks for a repeated pattern of behavior over time. She mentions docthenarc.com and there's free and specific strategy there. https://www.docthenarc.com/getnow

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:  My cousin is getting through court fine.  The kids are grown..at University, and there's nothing to fight over, but drunken...."I don't want my wife to divorce me" drivel .  At the last court hearing, the stbx had to leave, bc he "had an accident in the bathroom." This, after attempting to approach cousin, again, with TPO in place, and the attorney calling for the sheriff.

Lordy, if only the DD's empathy wasn't being weaponized by stbx.

Cousins all look and sound great.... we're visiting now.  There's an odd letter from the court about the uncontested divorce and dismissal if something doesn't happen soon.  Stbx has turned in zero discovery, btw. 

The case with the child abuse, of three children, is with my friend's niece....and no one can tell her (the mom) anything, bc she knows everything, and is listening to two other moms, in the same court, who whip each other up in the worst possible way.  One mom only has phone contact, with her children, on a special phone recording every word.....supervised everything.

Tough lessons, but they're not learning.  I was so anxious, but accept she's choosing her path....... ignoring her attorney's advice, and hanging up on caring relatives paying her legal fees, and being present in every way. 

It's self sabotage, and her nose is firmly on the stbx pebble.

Lighter