Anything again

[Meh]

"Grey Rock requires you to self-induce a state of dissociation. You are essentially asking your vibrant, emotional, creative self to go into a coma so that the narcissist doesn't have anything to "snack" on."

"When you Grey Rock, you aren't just ghosting the narcissist; you are often ghosting yourself. To be "boring" to them, you have to suppress your joy, your opinions, and your spontaneous reactions. If you do this for days or weeks, your brain forgets how to turn those lights back on. That "depression" and "lack of natural activity" you're feeling? That’s your nervous system staying in Functional Freeze."

"Grey Rock is often sold as a way to "win." In reality, it’s a way to sustain the status quo.

It doesn’t stop the person from being a narcissist; it just changes the flavor of the conflict.

Instead of an explosive argument, you get the "banging around" for 40 minutes and the "medical sagas." They are still taking up all the oxygen in the room; you’re just holding your breath to make it last longer."

"By staying "grey," you are essentially paying a tax on your soul. You’ve realized that the "cost" of avoiding a blow-up is the slow erosion of your personality."

"Most advice focuses on "how to handle the narcissist" rather than "how to save the victim's spirit." It’s easier to tell someone to "be a rock" than to address the devastating reality that living with a narcissist is a trauma-inducing environment."

[lighter]

Whew boy, Meh. 

The question becomes....
To be, or not to be, dependent on an explosive N.....esp with children.

I read it....saw myself in the head of a mother, protecting child.....what's modeled for the children?
Devastating. Untenable.

THEN I read it from the POV of a child.....growing up gray rocking....
more devastating. Zero choice.

The brain does forget, IME.
Lighter

[Hopalong]

Meh, that is an amazing quotation.
Hit home for me because I just recommended "gray rocking" to a friend who sees her rich, powerful, domineering Nmother once a month, to much distress.

I'd like to share this with her. Would it be a pain to send me the source?

Since so many people feel (or believe) they are TRAPPED with Ns, especially if they're family....it hits me that if gray-rocking does all this describes (and I can feel how it does when I spent 10 years living with Nmom) -- then the only big solution is total NC (No Contact).

So, ideally, all Ns would be promptly and completely expunged from our lives. I could not do that, so I grayed myself into a shadow, or at least into depression. Once she was gone, I returned to my own life, slowly. Then there was Daughter, also N I believe, atop bipolar and all her other troubles.

So I feel much compassion for those who can't avoid contact with an N. On some level it remains a choice, but in some circumstances, with huge life impact, good or ill.

I figure it's a very personal calculation, based on very personal circumstances. And if gray-rock helps one get through situation X or Y, go for it. Frequency of contact is probably the other factor in the sanity equation. Daily calls and regular physical visits....all that can be modified. I could manage monthly gray-rocking, I think.

I was visiting a writer friend in her apt in grad school once and she showed me something I'd never learned. Somebody knocked at her door and she didn't answer -- we were having a great conversation. Later, her phone rang and she ignored it.

What a gift.

hugs
Hops