Anything again

[Hopalong]

God, your cats sound FANTASTIC, Amber!

I'm wondering if at 75, I could have "outgrown" the allergy?
Only one way to find out. One allergist appointment for one test.

I'm sorely tempted. Willing to do the shots, even.

Meh, could a cat or two do the job? They really are cheap to support.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Oh, haha, well I am not truly in a situation to get any sort of pets.

Merely lamenting random thoughts of various types of being lonely I guess.

[Hopalong]

I hear that and I get it.
It shocks me at times when a wave of loneliness comes.

Eventually my sea settles again.

Some days I'm okay with being a speck on a speck in a speck of a universe.

Other days I can't BELIEVE how on my own I feel.

But if I distract, or create (anything) or even tidy up, I get through it.

hugs,
Hops

[Meh]

This morning I went to a small nearby church due to didn't want to travel. I'm not religious. Mostly I wanted to get out and it was Sunday morning. Being that I had never been to that church before two older ladies clung to me and maybe that was okay or not I'm not sure. They sort of did their inventory of me and realized I am not a super religious person and that I only go to random churches randomly which pleases nobody lol. They made a point of telling me it's NOT a non-denominational church. It took me all day for that to sink in because I didn't much care at the time. Wasn't thinking about their club really but then again that's probably partially why I don't join clubs. It's a club.

The pastor had been talking about how people can know the difference between "still small voice" VOICE and "ego" VOICE and essentially I suppose I think most of it is ego-adjacent. It made me start thinking how the word egotistical has gotten a bad connotation even though we pretty much need our egos. Then I started to think about how children of narcissists MIGHT HAVE under-developed egos. I guess EGO is another term for sense-of-self.

After the church experience I aimlessly went to a farmer's market I had never been to. Didn't buy anything. It's usual stuff like soap, candles, cutting boards.

My feet are sore I think my transportation of last resort are depleting collagen or whatever is in one's feet.

The two women at the church they both told me they had basically grown up going to that church. I can't fathom such a thing. To have a set social-bubble.

I had tried the still-small-voice thing yesterday Saturday and all I got from it was "be where you are" - which of course is just my ego trying to sound wise but not saying much at all.

I don't want to think about it.

[Meh]

I hear that and I get it.
It shocks me at times when a wave of loneliness comes.

Eventually my sea settles again.

Some days I'm okay with being a speck on a speck in a speck of a universe.

Other days I can't BELIEVE how on my own I feel.

But if I distract, or create (anything) or even tidy up, I get through it.

hugs,
Hops

Yeah there are lots of types of loneliness and a while back I was thinking to journal about that but I never did end up writing on those topics. The fact that it ends up being multiple topics got my attention for a while.

People are not really meant to be socially isolated it's bad for the nervous system probably.

[Meh]

I get this a lot on this site:

This site can’t be reached
forum.voicelessness.com took too long to respond.
Try:

Checking the connection
Checking the proxy and the firewall
Running Windows Network Diagnostics
ERR_TIMED_OUT

[Hopalong]

I probably spend an hour a day thinking about loneliness, physical decline, and death. Sometimes I tell myself I'm a brave thinker who's not scared of taboos. Other times, I realize it's just nonstop worrying.

There's a lot to be scared of when you're 75, physically weakening, and live alone. The ADD makes things more chaotic than they are for most of my pals.

My dog helps. Friends help, but I need to see more people more often. It's an Rx.

So I'm off to see my smart, kind geriatrician in an hour. I'm going to hand it all over to her. I know most of the problem is my own resistance to exercise, so the first thing is for me to choose the right exercise class at the Sr. Center and DO IT.

Another problem is occasional muscle weakness that makes my legs shake so hard I feel I might collapse. Happened in the shower a couple weeks back (felt I didn't have the strength to lift a leg to step out of the tub), and returning to my car downtown up a slight hill. I crept up an alley near the police station clutching a railing. Made it home, but. I feel unsafe walking any distance alone, due to this.

Today I'd really like to get an actual diagnosis. I figure it's either my chronic low-BP or something to do with blood sugar. But I don't know. I'll ask her to help me.

hugs
Hops