Anything again

[Hopalong]

I have diagnosed myself from time to time with analysis paralysis.

I know if I thought about the poetry process that much, I would stop writing.

I tell myself, just open the gate and create.

hugs
Hops

[Dirty Hippy]

Got up, took shower, made some eggs, went to church, talked to different person at church today about gardening. These felt like emotional stabilizing micro-wins. Talked to a lady doing watercolor at a cafe and she wanted to exchange phone numbers as she wanted to do co-crafting if we ever have time again. Seemed positive. Micro-wins.

Transitioned to looking up the DOL offices on maps to figure out how to get it done ASAP. I could sit all day I guess and bring a book but also I just need to get it done. But they don't open until Tuesday. The plan is in place-- I will try Tuesday or Friday. I have other things on Weds, Thursday. I will not go Sat it will be too busy.

Now for the next tasks.

[Dirty Hippy]

What are you sewing?

Yeah I did oils long ago - it does sometimes have a higher quality vibe. Was probably doing water color off and on as well at the time and likely also acrylics. I think I had ALL the paints when younger I was obsessed and if I got any little bit of money I would buy paint.

Eventually I ditched the oils and went to acrylic I think because I told myself big messy stinky oils were not going to work correctly in a space not dedicated to them.

Now I am back to portability.

Painting and drawing are two different art forms.

Anyhow. Backburner.

[Dirty Hippy]

https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/Social_Distancing_Isolation_with_the_Narcissist/

"Background noise simply means that you are there for the narcissist. You cater to his wishes and his demands, but you do so in a way that renders you a non-entity.

He asks you a question, you answer only that question. You don't initiate, you don't diverge. He demands something you provided. He doesn't talk to you, you don't talk to him. He never initiated.

You're there like some kind of white background noise. You respond fully. You don't disengage. You don't challenge. You don't disagree. You don't criticize. You don't provide advice. You don't volunteer. You don't initiate. You don't exist. You deny your own existence. You go into suspended animation. You become a non-entity, but a responsive non-entity, kind of a smartphone app if you wish."

https://vaknin-talks.com/transcripts/Social_Distancing_Isolation_with_the_Narcissist/
[/list]

[Dirty Hippy]

Hope the narcissist has a stroke soon gets paralyzed and can't talk/can't move would be poetic justice.

[Dirty Hippy]

Tired. Took a bus to DOL to get a renewal. I thought I would just try for the stupid state ID because it is in theory 5.00 five dollars. I don't have a car so what do I need the whole shabang for.

After two hours of waiting which I was okay with the woman ended up telling me I can not get the 5.00 ID without "forfeiting" my driving card and then to reinstate it I would have to pay some fee again. Ugh.

I had four fees. It ended up just being under 200.00 I was not expecting that. How can it cost so much just to have a freaking state ID like they would somehow screw me over either way it seems.

That seems to have consumed my entire day including the long bus ride situation. The people in the waiting room were like a sitcom with their commentary and then on their way out they were giving the remaining waiting people a thumbs up as if they'd just done a sky dive. People are funny. The staff was antagonistic. The woman at the desk mocked me and said I was mumbling which is weird because I really can not remember anybody saying this to me like not this year or last or in my recollection has anybody told me they can't understand what I am saying. Because... the woman at the desk was just pushing buttons because she is a gate keeper. If any jobs are replaced by AI then I would vote for the DMV DOL offices. All they do is robotically go through the standard motions.

So I got a "temp card" today which is just a stupid piece of paper and all I can think is this isn't over and my photo was bad because I was tired and I did not get ready for it. It was all I could do to leave out the door in the morning and catch the bus. I have the unhappy bland look of someone who now has learned to despise the DOL.

[Hopalong]

I'd say enough emotionally stabilizing micro-wins tip into the macro-win category, or model it for your synapses, which eventually upgrade their programming.

Bravo, Hippy!

My wins lately are that dear new BF is off to watch the eclipse in Spain from a boat and despite lurving him, I'm happy to have a break so I can return to blissful solo navel gazing for a while. He'll be gone most of the rest of the month.

So I'm watching British detective shows on Acorn and finding it very relaxing. The sweetest one is called The Last Detective and a dated but engrossing one is A Touch of Frost.

I've skipped PT for a week and don't care. I was going in near-shredded old Tshirts and three new ones just arrived so I won't feel as awkward. Nice colors, fairly rough cotton but they were cheap and should laaaaast.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Sorry I didn't post before now! We've been running all over god's creation trying to solve problems and when I had a chance to check in - couldn't post.

Sewing = mostly mending. When that pile's done I have a 19th century chemise to start and a carrying bag for B to haul his blackpowder bipod in, to design/make.

DMV is notorious! People's complaints are justified, based on some of my old experiences. But we've lucked out in WV; even though it IS a challenging 45 min drive away - the people there have all been competent, friendly and it's not a bad experience at all.

[Dirty Hippy]

I'd say enough emotionally stabilizing micro-wins tip into the macro-win category, or model it for your synapses, which eventually upgrade their programming.

Bravo, Hippy!

My wins lately are that dear new BF is off to watch the eclipse in Spain from a boat and despite lurving him, I'm happy to have a break so I can return to blissful solo navel gazing for a while. He'll be gone most of the rest of the month.

So I'm watching British detective shows on Acorn and finding it very relaxing. The sweetest one is called The Last Detective and a dated but engrossing one is A Touch of Frost.

I've skipped PT for a week and don't care. I was going in near-shredded old Tshirts and three new ones just arrived so I won't feel as awkward. Nice colors, fairly rough cotton but they were cheap and should laaaaast.

hugs
Hops

Watching the moon in Spain sounds nice. I miss my old not-city neighborhood it was nice all the time like that.

Solo time is wonderful it really is because privacy and sinking into the room without eyes watching is a basic necessity I swear. Hum I watched the "Call The Midwife" series and the other one about the veterinarian.

I got to pet a dog today. Yay me.

[Dirty Hippy]

Sorry I didn't post before now! We've been running all over god's creation trying to solve problems and when I had a chance to check in - couldn't post.

Sewing = mostly mending. When that pile's done I have a 19th century chemise to start and a carrying bag for B to haul his blackpowder bipod in, to design/make.

DMV is notorious! People's complaints are justified, based on some of my old experiences. But we've lucked out in WV; even though it IS a challenging 45 min drive away - the people there have all been competent, friendly and it's not a bad experience at all.

Oh that sounds like dress-up clothes project for reenactment. Somehow I didn't realize you were into doing that.

I only come here periodically & lots of times I too can not get the posts to go through.

[Dirty Hippy]

Having post meal tired slump.

Microwaved some cold plain pasta. Dumped some can tuna next to it and some coleslaw stuff. So mostly a no cook meal. It's hot out. OMG why am I so tired. This coffee is doing nothing for me.

Oh. So my hiking girlfriend has kinda flaked too many times. I am okay with it in the sense that people are busy. It's just part of being an adult. But I took her out of my phone so I don't text her out of boredom which kinda feels like the right thing to do because I am finding that I don't want to participate in friendships that kinda drag out as a text. I'm also not entirely sure what her deal was she seemed a little love-bomby when I first met her.

Went to a horticulture lecture today and it was nice. Not as good as having a garden but i suppose it's still stimulating somehow.

Tomorrow I am going to ditch morning church I think and go to a farmers market. Can't let the cult suck me in too much.

So I was invited to go over the a church ladies house for some lunch meeting and it sounds really nice. It would be a pain for me to get there on the bus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am NOT good and making friends. And not exciting or interesting enough to keep them. Or I don't select them well. I sort of let people select me which is likely part of the problem.

I've spent this entire summer attempting to socialize. I am not a social butterfly.

Do I have more thoughts about it meh very much too sleepy to think more. Maybe I am moving beyond worry and struggle with it and I just need to get on with my day. Take a nap. Clean. Do something productive.

[Dirty Hippy]

I've got a little pocket book type thing I got in a free book shelf. It's about shame. I might read it in a while. Yay me.

Did the dishes. Sun sets at 8:30 pm.

Maybe I will do a micro nap.

Micro everything.