Christmas blues

[bkkabri]

I am really having a hard time this Christmas.  I am trying to be with friends, but I am unhappy because I keep seeing the illusion that I was living over the last two years and realizing they were really nothing to the person who said she loved me.  It hurts to share my emotions with someone who could basically care less and hold them against me.  I read your messages and I appreciate them, I am just really having an off time because the shock still stings me.  I keep my journel to reread what she said in the end and how demeaning it was.  I guess I just cant beleive that a person who claimed to have wanted to marry me to a girlfriend of mine can rip me so hard.  The hardest part is knowing that I meant nothing to her, and that she has moved on to someone else.  I know this is stupid, but I keep thinking that I could have done something or said something that could have kept us together.  Merry Christmas.   Has anyone ever felt this way?

[Anonymous]

You are doing this to yourself and I urge you to stop. If you could experience the present moment (even forcing yourself), you could have some relief this holiday. It's your choice to re-read your journal and dwell on "her." Can you agree on a boundary where you won't allow yourself to read about her, ruminate about her, etc. You are creating your own hell. This is not a criticism but a comment about what you're doing to yourself. Please get help as you are in crisis.

bunny

[Anonymous]

bkkabri,

Life is hard sometimes...You really need to be up to the challange here.

1, You said you have friends you're in better shape than you think.

2. Bunny is so wise, she is trying to get you to focus on what is worth your time and effort.  The Past is painful but you tell us you choose to go back over and over again and again.

3. You can't change things, what happen is for a reason. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and the only way to get on the new road is to get OFF the road you're on.

4. This year I'm not visiting with my family and it may be the last christmas I spend with them. I plan on moving out of state.

They Pretend to care but they show they don't and It hurts me deeply.
I wish I had family that cared about me but they don't.
I choose to let that go and accept they are the way they are.


4. If I don't then they will just chew me up and spit me out every time .

5. When do you begin to say no more. You want to keep crying about it or will you decide to say this is a learning experience and I have grown from it.

6. Did you ever see the move Pet Cemetary?
the Cat dies (no one could keep it from happening. Couldn't say anything to change it )
they bury the cat in an old Indian Cemetary. The Cat comes back and everyone is happy that the cat was not DEAD.

The cat comes back evil and now everyone is afraid of the CAT......
Do you believe your relationship is DEAD?
Do you think some magic will bring it back? and if it does will it make you feel better that you're running from the dead relationship instead of your X.

I don't know if you can appricate my story. I sent you the one about the Doves and the Crows hoping you could see
Why care about what some people think when they think like Crows.

PS. Onlyrenting is a name I picked because just like your relationships sometimes, you can never own it. Rent goes up and if you decide you can't or won't pay the price it's time to move on.

Enjoy what friends you have and just think next year you will have a new prespective on your life.

[Anonymous]

Bkkabri,
I have to agree, you're making your own hell to live in by constantly wondering what you could have done differently  to change your current status with her. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done and IF there was, why would you want to still be with some nutty chic like this? So what if she said she wanted to marry you? So what if you can't believe how a person could do this. People do a lot of crazy things every single day. You really need to stop doing this to yourself. This is not the only woman in the world. If she is with someone else right now, I'd suggest feeling sorry for him and not yourself anymore. He's going to get the same bag of tricks in short order.

Move on and quit beating yourself up over this. No one is worth this kind of bullsh*t.

[Anonymous]

Quote - I know this is stupid, but I keep thinking that I could have done something or said something that could have kept us together.

Sounds to me like you wanted to control your relationship with her to get your needs met.

[BlueTopaz]

BK,

You said something about therapy before.  Best thing you can do for yourself right now.  Sometimes we get ourselves into a rut we just can't get out of on our own.

Make a goal to see a counselor or therapist after the holidays. It really will help you, and begin to ease your pain.

Best of luck...

BlueTopaz

[Anonymous]

BK,
You need to get off the pity pot and pick up one (or some) of the tools that have been suggested to you on this board. "As you think, so shall you be." It seems that you revel in your pain. Your questions bait the same issue over and over again. No one likes feeling blue, especially during the holidays, but you're creating and wallowing in your own misery. You almost seem to enjoy it.

[Loving Guest]

Dear B,

Everyone heals at their own time and at their own pace.  As the bible says, whether you are religious or not, please allow these wise words, at Christmas time, to help you heal from your pain.  "To every season . . ."

There is a time to hurt.  Your time is now.

There is a time to mourn.  Your time is now.

There is a time to wish things were different.  Your time is now.

There is a time for regrets and for mourning.  Your time is now.

You did not deserve to be treated badly, and you have every right to hurt over the fact that you have.

You are a human, and of course it pains you to think that someone you have given so much to has moved on, unaffected.

Even if you were told this is not true, perhaps you wouldn't believe it because you are not able to accept this truth at this time.  That's okay.  When you are ready, you will.

Read your journal.  Experience the pain and the hurt.  Feel your feelings.  When you are ready, you will put that book down.  You will be able to walk away from your past.  When you are ready, you will heal.  Until that time, do the best that you can, the best you know how.

God bless you during this holiday season.  May you be happy, healthy and whole.

[bkkabri]

Thank you for the last statement.  I dont want to wallow in the pain.  this is such a bigger issue than with my ex.  My dad died in my arms from AIDS.  I told my ex because it was painful to see somebody you care about rot from the inside out.  It was hopeless.  I thought by sharing something in a sincere nature, she would respect that talking in detail of patieints in pain reopened the wounds.  I never said not to talk about her day, its important.  I just asked to tone it down, but she never seemed to understand me.  Everything is etched in stone.  For her to tell me to get over my dad dying in such a cold heartless manner hurts beyond belief because he was the only dad I will have and I miss him.  He died at a young age and I am going thru my adult life not being able to sit with him and ask him advice.  I needed his advice about this relationship because I loved her, but I didnt know how to handle the behavior.  I dont want to control anybody, that has never been an issue.  I accept people at face value.  The problem is that I never seem to be able to live a "normal" life with a woman who can keep it together.  To know that this woman took my sincere thoughts and throw them in my face like it was nothing is painful because I trusted her with my feelings as a medical professional.  I respected her job, and I told her that.  I just missed having a woman to share my life with as a couple.  She just pushed me away no matter what I would do.  I know you all have accepted this as N, but I am new to the  sting of this because I dont know how she could turn on me.  I wasnt perfect, but I never disrespected her.  I just told her I miss the woman I met, and all she could suddenly offer me is the man she will be with will make as much as her, and she will be accepted with the good, bad and ugly.  I am rambling, but this all swirls in my head because she took my heart, pulled it from my chest and showed me how she really felt about me as a person and how she felt about everything I shared.  I know I was just an object, but I really was led to believe that we were a couple.  I sat with my friends tonight and I saw the gifts they got.  They were sincere holiday gifts and all I keep thinking is why would a woman who is bright as she was buy me dirty movies?  It really makes me feel like a creep.  Her only response to it was I am insecure..  Merry Christmas.

[Anonymous]

GET IN THERAPY

[Anonymous]

For her to tell me to get over my dad dying in such a cold heartless manner hurts beyond belief because he was the only dad I will have and I miss him.

If she is this heartless, then she's given you a *gift* by leaving. She didn't destroy you, no one has that power. You're destroying yourself and it's not necessary. I think boundaries are a good idea when one is ruminating to the point where life is meaningless and miserable. That's my philosophy. I don't think life has to be pure suffering. I don't see it as necessary. You're still alive. You have a beautiful day ahead, if you'd choose to be present for it.

It's possible that you're really mourning your father and it's less overwhelming to put the emotions on this woman. I'm very sorry about your father and your loss.

I loved her, but I didnt know how to handle the behavior.

How does one handle cruel, heartless behavior? I don't think it can be done.

The problem is that I never seem to be able to live a "normal" life with a woman who can keep it together.

The woman has to have a history of keeping it together before you meet her. And you must have a history of the same. Otherwise it won't work out.

I trusted her with my feelings as a medical professional.

You may have been confused: was she your nurse or your girlfriend? She can't be both.

bunny

[bludie]

The hardest part is knowing that I meant nothing to her, and that she has moved on to someone else. I know this is stupid, but I keep thinking that I could have done something or said something that could have kept us together.

No one likes feeling used or discarded. I am fully aware that my ex-N is spending Christmas with a new woman, in a new city, full of new friends and experiences. I am volitionally having a quiet, solitary Christmas spent in reflection of how I will approach the New Year.  Though my ex-N may appear the victor right now -- he has moved on and very likely hasn't spent anytime grieving the end of our relationship -- I don't even equate our experiences.  He is an actor, a showman and his life is a farce. I am, on the other hand, looking at the truth and trying to learn from it. By continually referring to him -- what he is/isn't doing; what he did/didn't do in the relationship -- I am choosing to let him control my life. I won't do that anymore. I gave up enough of me. It's time to recoup what's left, heal, learn from this and move on. I urge you to do the same, bkkabri.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

Bunny said: It's possible that you're really mourning your father and it's less overwhelming to put the emotions on this woman. I'm very sorry about your father and your loss.

 Eureka!!!

Very sorry about your horrible loss too, but bkkabri please at least consider this statement above!!! Do not quickly read through it and forget about it. Since you say you are always having problems with relationships with women then there is a root underlying issue.

I don't think you will solve this by yourself and you are throwing away your precious life and causing yourself a very great amount of needless emotional damage--please-please-please see a therapist bkkabri.

Ask yourself if you think this is the life your father would have wanted for you!? To mourn him so much that your whole life is spent suffering in deep pain? He would want more than anything-- the exact opposite wouldn't he.

You will honor both his memory and your own life the best if you let yourself work through these feelings and begin to live and find peace and some happiness. Will you go to therapy to heal bkkarbi ????  Please go!!!

[bkkabr]

thank you blundie.   Bunny, I dont know if I say the words right because I write this down and then your reply is strange sometimes.  I wanted my ex to be my friend, lover, partner in life.  Her job is as a nurse  is very respected  by me as a whole.  I only told her  about my dad because talking about the hopeless nature of  diseases in her patience.  It was tough to take because I am not in the field and the stories left me feeling down because I felt bad for the people and it reminded me of my dad.  I never talked  about my dad and the pain in detail because it is the past.  I just was having a hard time because it was bringing back memories that I have worked hard to get over.  I just miss the woman I met, and in my own mind I feel that me telling her about my feelings is what ultimatley started the relatioship to slide.  I wish I could take it back, because if that would have made her happy talking about disease, I would have listened as long as it wasnt all night.  In the end, as bad sas she treated me, I feel responsible because I should have listened more  about her day.  I just dont understand why she couldnt share good stories that happened.   My New Years resolution is get over this, but I truly miss the woman she presented.  This woman that ripped me for no reason scares the hell out of me.  I  just wish I could get some real closure.  Some peace from the fact that I meant something to her.  I know it wont happen, but I never disrespected her, why disrespect me.  My complaint in the relationship was to be 50/50 and do things together to build memories.  She said we just dont connect the way she had hoped.

[Anonymous]

I wanted my ex to be my friend, lover, partner in life.  Her job is as a nurse  is very respected  by me as a whole.  I only told her  about my dad because talking about the hopeless nature of  diseases in her patients.

She made a mistake by discussing her patients with you. That is too big a burden on you, as you had your own issues with disease and suffering.

You made a mistake by discussing your father's illness with her. She wanted to come home and NOT be a nurse there. She TRIED to be a nurse for you, but she couldn't succeed. Then she got VERY VERY RESENTFUL.  Neither of you could stop this cycle. You didn't have the relationship skills.

I just miss the woman I met, and in my own mind I feel that me telling her about my feelings is what ultimatley started the relatioship to slide.  I wish I could take it back, because if that would have made her happy talking about disease, I would have listened as long as it wasnt all night.

Maybe she needed you to listen all night. Maybe she was deeply disappointed and got very, very resentful and angry. Both of you probably needed a therapist to listen.

I just dont understand why she couldnt share good stories that happened.

She needed you to understand her. You didn't, and she had to leave. She gave you a gift, although you can't see it now.

bunny