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Making amends

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Clueless:
:wink:

I've had my life literally come apart at the seams over the last five years and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Now I think I know - I'm an N. People always used to tell me I had trouble expressing my emotions, and I became really self-conscious about it. I've moved around a lot in my life (emigrating to a new country), and my family has been split up since I was a little kid, and my mum died when I was in my teens. I've been surrounded by strangers for a long time and I never learned how to trust anyone, least of all myself. I never really knew how to relate to people, and if I ever found myself liking someone I always found a way to withdraw. Over the last five years I've suffered from a severe depression (extreme disorientation and tiredness) and I 'lost my place' in the world. Since then I've done nothing but make a total embarassment of myself - I was so scared of my disintegration that I felt like I was haemorrhaging rage and filth as I lashed out at everyone who came near me. I'd like to make amends and I'm trying to make a start, but it's going to be a long road. I'm not proud of myself for what I've done over the years, but I thought you might like to know that even N's are capable of wanting to change for the better!

nihil:
Hello Clueless (maybe a misnomer....?)

Have you been diagnosed as such by a mental health professional? Because sometimes we use narcissistic defense mechanisms without necessarily being afflicted with full-fledged NPD. When you have been voiceless for so long, lots of guilt, shame and self-defeating behaviour develops in your personality. This does not mean that you are an N.

This is just a hypothesis. I am no expert.

Take care.

Clueless:
Hello nihil,

Thanks for replying! I haven't been diagnosed as NPD, but I was diagnosed as depressed five years ago. It's taken me a long time to come out of it, because I had been studying and working in yet a third country where I "became a different person". I was completely dissociative when I got back and that scared me. But I think the problem lies with me, because I can't seem to reach out to people, or to remember what they say, or to move on with my life in a normal way. I'm sure that some of my behaviour is a defense, but I'm so scared of intimacy it's not funny. I can't seem to take an interest in other people, and when i meet someone from my past and I'm with my new boyfriend for instance I seem to "have to" block out one person or the other. I can't seem to connect with the real world, or to see my actions as meaningful. I also have a horrible method of blocking people out, literally while they're a few feet away from me, trying to talk to me! I can only seem to deal with people in compartments, which sounds like alters to me! I know it's dangerous to self-diagnose, but I want to live instead of just existing like I am at the moment, and I want to be able to give to the people in my life for a change!

nihil:
Hello again Clueless,

You seem to be able to observe your own behaviour with a certain amount of lucidity and also to be able to realize quite clearly that something is wrong. Those behaviours are not often present in people who suffer from NPD.

Depression often comes along when your emotional alarms are signalling endlessly and they are not being answered. Repression of feelings and memories, dissociation, distancing/withdrawal and narcissistic defense mechanisms can all kick in at one point or another to give you clues that something is not settled in your psyche.

I would suggest that you go see another therapist to talk about depression, try to find out maybe if something hasn't gone wrong in your childhood, or if you haven't suppressed a terrible memory. Again please, I am no expert, but I can relate to some of your symptoms and behaviours and it does definitely tell me that something is not right and that you need help to sort through all of this.

The fact that you are worried and that you are trying to find solutions means that you are on the right path. Take really good care of yourself, take all the time you need to make yourself feel better. Try avoiding situations or people who trigger negative emotions where you lose control or you lose your sense of self. Get some help. Take really good care of your-self. Post here often, read up on different subjects : NPD, emotional intelligence, voicelessness, repression, dissociation, depression, etc. You mind find clues and relate to some ideas. Listen to your emotions, they can give you a really good indication of what's wrong.

I wish you good luck.

nihil

Ella:
Hi Clueless,
You mentioned alters. Scares the hell out of me. I discovered last year that, in my current relationship, I've had a pattern of "phasing out" for 20 minutes at a time or so. I think it's the only this relationship I've done this with, and I don't think I've done it since I discovered it (how I found out: we got in a minor argument over emails from one of his relatives, he was smoking a cigar at a restaurant and I "came back" to see he'd been smoking it for at least 20 minutes, but I had no memory - thank you for smoking!), but, how would I know!  The effect has been to dampen my spirit for a fight. I felt like I couldn't trust myself. Worse (he has to love - ok admire-  the image of me maybe?) he couldn't grasp it when I tried to explain. So to try and get any information about whether there are alters, did my voice change, did I turn into Sybil with a bad lifetime contract etc., was useless. I appreciate how it is not knowing! But honestly I think its my childhood trying to say, been here before!

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