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Making amends

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Ella:
regarding the last post - I appreciate that all of it didn't fit with where you were . I had some steam to let off and it took over. What I can say that is more relevant:  I once did a therapy technique that is aimed at bringing together fractured parts of ourselves, and it had an amazing effect on me. The idea is that trying to remember specific things takes years, and may just retraumatize the individual. So instead, you think about sensations that you feel, and then you let them talk. Sounds weird, but it worked. The only reference I can give you is that it is based on the work of David Grove.  Caveat: part way through this I started seeing TWO therapists - one to let me talk and one to let me feel. But it started with just feeling.

Clueless:
:?
Hi Ella,

It's scary when you realise that you space out isn't it? I feel like I can't trust myself, because I have no idea what someone else really said. I've often felt like I have no 'right' to express my wishes or desires, because one minute I may have said "yes" to something that five minutes later I'm saying no to! How can I tell if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm doing myself major harm by going along with someone else, to keep the peace? It's that that's eating me up inside... People have taken advantage of me in my life, and I've taken advantage of others. It's knowing where to draw the line, but if you can't trust yourself what line is there to draw?

Clueless:
Hey nihil,

Thanks for being so supportive, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to put my life back together one bit at at a time, and I will keep on trying. Maybe you're right, and it is a depression - it's just so scary being out of synch with yourself. I used to try to be there for other people, and then I became terribly isolated and frustrated and started feeling guilty that i was letting them down. There's a whole period of my recent past that I'm suppressing, because of what some people did to me and because of what I did to other people, or sometimes even because what I think I did to other people! It keeps on dragging on and on with little relief, and I keep seeming to make things worse! Anyway, life is a process, and I do believe that people can heal, and from that good things can come.

Jojo:
Hi Clueless - thanks for replying to my post on mid life crises. I recognised the name and came back to your own post.   As someone who has been on the receiving end of chaotic behaviour - it seems to me that you are already taking huge steps.  You know you have some problems and you are trying to deal with them. If your apologies are sincere and you are genuinely and actively trying to change your behaviour I'm sure the people in your life will  respond postively. If they don't  -perhaps the damage was too great and you will have to accept the loss of that relationship and put it down to part of the learning and healing experience. Who knows you maybe able to come back to it later.  

I know from my own experience that what causes problems are psuedo amends, that are made just to get thro the moment. If you don't deal with the root issues, all that will happen is the cycle will start again  -sooner or later and everyone will suffer - sadly you perhaps more than the others in your life.  The pain inside you will build up further until you explode again.

It seems that you have had some tough times - the death of your mother  at a key time in your life and as you said to me on my post, an absent father.  I never understood how passivity could  cause so many problems until recently. I always assumed it was active abuse that did the damage.    It was interesting that you also lived away from your  home country. I do too and my kids are what are called Third Culture Kids - born and raised outside their passport country  . There is alot of writing on this phenomenum and the impact it has on people which you may find interesting and even helpful.   There are lots of positive things but there can be downsides which people are coming to understand more clealy.

Good luck with your efforts. I hope you have found someone you  qualified to talk to, who you can trust and who will help you find the triggers to all these negative emotions.

Clueless:
Hey Jojo,

It's lovely to hear from you. I found what you said about passivity very true; I myself have been told that I am extremely passive and closed, and when I was younger I even used to be proud of my "rationality", as if I didn't need emotions! Unfortunately it seems to be a trait that runs through my entire family: almost anyone who has anything to do with us notices it straight off the bat. I think we've got real trouble understanding the difference between weakness and vulnerability, and that's where we fall down.

I guess I'm afraid to let my defenses down; I know I'm ashamed of my erratic behaviour but my "behavior" has been erratic because I was scared to confide in anyone. I tried to tell my dad when I first came home that I was depressed, and he said "oh" and went to bed! I'm not blaming him because I'm the one that withdrew emotionally from everyone else, but I feel so guilty all the time that I "messed up" that I feel like I've got to apologise for the last few years before I can even say hello to someone - real self-obsession stuff! I've just got to learn to let go of the past and like you said, if some people can't forgive me I'll just have to take that chance. Sometimes I think I almost have more of a problem with people who do forgive me - talk about ego defenses eh?

Well, thanks for letting me rant and let off some steam, I hope things are well with you. Take good care of yourself.

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