"O" (Oprah Magazine) Excellent article on Narcissi

[Cinderella]

Hi, all.  Glad to be be back and see familiar names registered.  Thanks to Dr. Grossman for the nice new forum.

I wanted to tell you about an article in the August 2003, issue of "O" Magazine ( the one with Oprah in an orange and white stripe top).  The article is "The object of my affection" and tells about narcissists, and how to confront them.

In my opinion, worth the read!

[Neko]

Thanks for that, Cinderella! If you're like me and are somewhere you can't get a paper copy of the magazine, here's a link to the article on the web:
The Narcissists in Your Life: How to Handle Them - by Martha Beck.

Great article!

[Stormchild]

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200308/omag_200308_beck_c.jhtml

THE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION
The Narcissist in Your Life: The Self-Esteem Roller Coaster
By Martha Beck

The problem with depending on external success is that it makes you terribly vulnerable to failure. The cycle of good and bad fortune is like the rise and fall of a roller coaster: What goes up inevitably comes down. The narcissist's objective is to stay at the high points of the roller coaster all the time. This is impossible. Real self-esteem comes from being able to enjoy the whole loopy ride.

This is possible only if we have a point of reference that lies beyond the roller coaster. Imagine yourself as a loving mother watching your child ride the roller coaster from a safe spot on the ground. Do you notice when the child is going up and when she's going down? Of course! Does your love for her vary depending on which way the roller coaster is headed? Of course not! Adopting this benevolent attitude toward your own skittish, childish little ego is a fairly straightforward process, though not always an easy one.

Here are a few of the many practices that can help you connect with it:

1. Just watch.
Every day, I spend a half hour or so simply watching my ego ride its roller coaster. 'Oh, look,' I may say to myself on a day when I've been praised, 'I'm way up high! What a fabulous view!' When I've failed abjectly, I may think, 'Ooh, now the roller coaster is going down. Ouch!' By commenting without judgment, I take myself to a place of observation, a place where I feel compassionate and open. I did not create this place. I just visit it.

2. Laugh at your downside.
Narcissists may deny their mistakes or flagellate themselves into a froth of self-pitying hatred, but they never laugh at their imperfections. Try moving away from narcissism and into self-esteem by telling others about a mistake you made, in a way that's designed to make them laugh. Go ahead, pick a mistake and make it funny. This works.

3. Focus outward.
Here's a challenge: Have a five-minute conversation during which you talk only about the other person. Ask her questions about herself, then really listen to the answers. Don't talk about yourself at all until five minutes have elapsed.

4. Invite contradiction.
Ask someone if they disagree with anything you've ever said to them. If they say yes, ask their opinion, pay close attention, and say, "Thank you. I'll think about that." Notice whether your narcissistic ego sphincter begins to clench up. If it does, laugh some more. The more you recognize narcissism in yourself and exchange it for real self-esteem, the more you'll find yourself able to drop the mad pursuit of praise and the avoidance of blame.

[Stormchild]

Hi Ami

hugs

if we were raised by Ns or found ourselves with N abusive spouses, we've learned to be very afraid of disapproval and anger, because we know that Ns do not control themselves and will 'lose it' over dust specks if their mood is going that way. They are like evil potentates, ready to decapitate us if we sneeze or need to use the bathroom and it doesn't suit their almighty whims.

Living with this kind of craziness makes it hard to reach the place where we trust our own judgement and perspective, our own sense of right and wrong enough, to tell ourselves 'X is having another hissy fit. What a jerk.' Rather than saying to ourselves, 'Oh no, X is upset. I have to fix this immediately. It's my job to fix it. X must never be upset...'

We have to reach the point where we can really understand that, in X's case, it really is a hissy fit, and it really is unjustified; X is hypercritical, X is hypocritical; X uses anger to manipulate and control, X has double standards: they jump all over you for doing something, but they do the exact same thing themselves, often worse than you ever do, and when you point this out to them, whooee, clear the tracks!

Trust me - this perspective is something to strive for, and it will come. You will reach the point where X's anger no longer feels larger than your right to a sane and happy life... and you will feel a huge sense of relief and freedom when you reach it. You can let X's toxic behavior be about X, not about you - which is exactly the truth of the matter.

I'm sorry that two people tried to bully you yesterday, sorry that two people tried to use unjustified anger to intimidate and control you. But I'm real glad you recognized that this is what was going on. That's huge progress...

Hugs -