A Long Rant of Mine

[Bloopsy]

Well here I go. Reading these posts I am reminded of how I feel about this man that I was involved with a few years ago????Seems like yesterday. I admit that I never gave myself the courtey to mourn or processs  how I felt --- I read here or somewhere else that that not allowing someone to cry is the worst kind of abuse I did/do that to myself. I think that my body has become a well of tears and rage and guess what that is okay today. I treated me the way that I was used to being treated by my parents and my mom's boyfriend----you know ---don't talk ddon't feel don't tell---and IT DOESN"T MATTER. Thank you for listening. I still treat me thst way and this new years meybe the one resolution that is feasible is to stop treating myself that way?????Because all the other ones seem like fripperies on top of a well of tears if they never got to be cried. And will all crumble away and I will think but oh my I had so many resolutions, I was going to be DIFFERENT.
One of the things I haven't ALLOWED myself to mourn/realize the impact of is the results I want to say AFTERMATH of a relationship I got involved in a few years ago. I thought that I was so dumb to get involved in it to ignore all the signs so ashamed that I could be so blind, that I didn't let myself really feel what happened and how much it affected me. From reading your guy's posts I think that maybe I was involved with a nartsissist and that it might have been one of many. He was a smooth talker, would say something one day and do the opposite the next and be scornful when I expressed suprise. The biggest example of this is that he told me "I don't do drugs" and then the next day when I went to meet him around the corner he was puffing on a crack pipe. By this time I hardly had the energy but I said L I thought you said you didn't do drugs and he looked at me with a little smirk and said "that was yesterday".
He would do these horrible things but there was a part of me that so wanted to believe in the good of him I actually felt ashamed when I wouold get angry, my self protective instinct, when my eyes would be wiperd clean and I saw that he was using me. Well at this time I was 25 years old and drugged up on so much medication I could hardly function and he was forty six, and of course I see now what would a forty6 year old man want with an over medicated 25 year old, oh my the point is that I still feel so sad about what happened with him, I had to literally stay in the house for a long time so that I would be sure not to go find him, this post is very disjointed, what in the heck am I saying????????? I think it is that I felt like I "should", I desrved to get sick by being involved with a drug addict with HIV who saw nothing wrong with having unprotected sex(by the grace of something I had it in me to say no) , that I deserved that, the ultimate in who do you think you are inner voices, you know to try to protect myself from anything by getting away from him. And that left me having a VERY hard time trusting myself. And my negating inner voices (hi mom's boyfrind) say just get over it it happens to everyone and if your so stupid you deserve what you get. But this year I think that I will give myself the courtesy to cry.
I woke up in the middle of the night with a nightmare realizing that I love L.  Denying it will not help. HUH. I denyind it for a long time.
Anyway I am sorry for such a long and rambling post. I thought that I didn't deserve to be a real person, I still think that, well the real person me loved him and the bad voices want me to leave the real person me behind and say that doesn't matter you were so stupid who do you think you are to matter enough to cry and I think that a new year this new year I will say no thank you I would rather keep  myself & cry.
Thank s for reading this,
Love Bloopsy

[Anonymous]

Hiya Bloopsy, keep going girl! Cry cry and cry as much as you want to, it heals the mind.  True!

And you know all great art comes from suffering?

Channel yourself if you can. Tears mixed with paint. Swirling patterns on fabrics. Have you ever painted on fabric?

It's going to be a better year Bloopsy/Bridget. Make it so! love, Portia

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Bloopsy

 I read here or somewhere else that that not allowing someone to cry is the worst kind of abuse I did/do that to myself. I think that my body has become a well of tears and rage and guess what that is okay today. I treated me the way that I was used to being treated by my parents and my mom's boyfriend

I was a cryer as a child and would cry if my father got mad at me and would likely cry now if I thought I dissapointed him. They would often remind me you just look at her and she crys.

I didn't get along with my mother, I look back now and know she has somekind of P-Disorder.
I was going out with a friend and just didn't want to go back home I was tired of her being so mean to me.

I stayed with a friend that night and I kept telling myself I will not cry
a few days later my head was aching and I felt physically Ill.

To this day I believe if you need to cry your body will expect it,  I'm not sure about what your body goes thru but I finaly cried and it was days until my head felt better.
I never want to have that pain again.

So from 1 frying pan to the other I'm married to an N and he hates it when I would cry.
For him I have no more tears. I never cry anymore and my body doesn't react anymore. (n-numb)

I think if you have tears for someone you should cry.
I try not to remember the mean things my own mother would say to me and know that it's a battle in the mind to keep away the words and actions of hurtful people. You trust your parents, what they say must be true.

PEOPLE ARE HUMAN,THEREFORE WE ERROR.
our parents and all humans, they will always dissapoint.

Keep your trust in God and expect people as well as yourself to dissapoint.
Maybe if you can except this, letting go of the hurt to yourself can be forgiven, your only Human.

onlyrenting