Hi Portia and hi (again) Bludie, thank you so much for your posts, it really helps me a lot about getting more clear about this situation... [beware it is a loooong post..]
The bulge I had on the forehead (and on some parts of the arms) happened a few days after my Nfather's heart attack. At this time I was in Tel Aviv (Israel) for a job training, and I thought it was food allergy (the beer?). But I do not remember having eaten that evening something that I am not used to eat in France. And now, looking back, I doubt kosher restaurants may bring food allergies. So I was not so sure about the allergy stuff, I wanted to make sure it was not food allergy by going to this doctor.
What I think now (and it scares me even more) is that it was a physiolgical reaction due to the shock of my Nfather's heart attack (that I interpreted as his death, as many slips of the tongue in my analysis showed : many time I said "when my dad was dead" instead of "when my dad had a heart attack"). Plus during the analysis I had a swollen ankle for nearly a month, that no doctor could explain. So I think it may be (in Freudian terms, I do not know other ones) "a hysterical conversion" : the psychic pain is so strong that it has to be conveyed to the body in some form. When I told this to this stupid doctor today, he laughed and said maybe... So it seems to be possible (I had checked on the internet, this type of "thing" seems to exist for some patients).
The other thing now, about my nose (so many phallic symbols here, hehe..) is that due to a not straight nose, only one nostril can "breathe" correctly. I had noticed this a long time ago, and "nothing could be done" was all I could hear. Until today, when I saw this paper. Hence my shock, I really do not know how come I could have "forgotten" that I could have gotten an operation... Anyway, I am happy to have found out about this and I will remember to trust only what I do, see or hear myself.
I am not paranoid, but when I am physically weak Nmother (and Nyoungsis) respond the oppposite way a mother /sis should (I will spare you other examples that are still painful to me). I wanted to understand their reaction to be able to accept it, and then be able to "internally" forgive (but keeping my boundaries high) them.
Here is what I found (please do not laugh about my "theory", I am serious about it), it's just logic :
1) Nyoung sis is only 1 year younger than me, and we have always fought (for a big part due to N mother). My first names are say: A, B,C. My Nyoung sis' s are : C, B, D. And B sounds in French "if he lives" and C means "life" in Polish.
2)I learnt from Nmother (no later than last september) that they only wanted two kids (N young sis was an "accident" so to speak).
3)Nmother admitted she wished she had at least one son whom she would name by the name of her own father. Too bad, she had three daughters!!!
4)Since my youngest age I have been obsessed with death and scared to get asleep for fear of not waking up (even today it happens)
5)My older Nsis born too early had been extremely sick during her first months. At the time Nmom was still working and "gave" her newborn baby to her...Nmother!
Hence her guillt and huge pain associated and her fear that her second child (me) becomes sick too when I was born.
=> my conclusion :
1)There is a very serious identity/enmeshing problem b/w Nyoung sis and I, and an issue about "life". And neither she nor I can do anything about it.
2)Unconscioulsy Nparents projected a strong "death pulsion" onto me, which of course as a baby I introjected.
As a result, when I have a health problem :
-Nmom denies it (her fear, hidden will?), Nyoung sis makes me feel worst.
-Nfather is extremely empathic to any of my illness, since he had been himself very sick (rare bacteria allergy in the lumbs) when I was 1 year old. And it is this doctor that I saw today who saved his life at the time.
Now, after this (very long) story, you have an idea about the diseases in the family, the symbols and the specific meanings of such or such disease/doctor.
About my 3rd first name I wanted to change it, but it is almost impossible in France w/o "reasonnable grounds". So I'll just live with it...
Bottom line : I cannot really resent anybody in such a family. Everybody has suffered one way or another, but I will not let them add to my pain anymore.
This is why I cut all contact w/ my 2 Nsisters and I just told my Nfather (minutes ago) I would change my phone numbers and will only accept communication w/ Nparents through letters.. for a while.
The time I need to really reconstruct myself and understand (among other things) the role(s) I gave to my father since I was born, taking into account that he had been seriously sick during most of mychildhood.
These are not happy stories, but this is life I guess...And I know there are far worst ones..
I feel better after I told a part of my story. Less weight on my shoulders... Please if you have any additional insight about all this, you are more than welcome...
Thanks again for listening for so long
-RL
