Don’t blame yourself.
Do you feel guilty? We often feel guilty because we are improperly blaming our self. We were trained to incorrectly assume responsibility for others’ actions and behaviors. You were always led to believe it was your fault, and that you should feel bad about that. Naturally, you do! So, you do not need to blame yourself for feeling guilty. Just acknowledge that you feel that way. When you feel it, pause for a moment and say to yourself “Yes, I feel guilty about these thoughts I am having.” But that’s OK, of course I do. I was carefully and systematically trained to feel guilty. Just don’t blame yourself for it, because it was deliberately put upon you. Then the next time you feel guilty just say to yourself - Ahh - See there - there it is, there’s that guilt that I was carefully conditioned to feel - it is still working, but now it is different because now I can see it. Say to your guilt in a friendly way “Hi Guilt - How are you today?” Become friends with it, and let it pass and it will slowly fade away.
Are you angry? Good. Anger is always a sign that something needs to change, so now you are in tune with that. And of course you are angry. You probably “weren’t allowed” to be angry. A person cannot be demeaned, devalued, and dismissed and denied their voice for a lifetime and not be a raging cauldron of anger! So, when you feel anger, know that it is through your anger that you will finally find your way out. It is the ultimate futility to blame yourself for being angry, or to feel angry and to tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel that way! Don’t say to yourself “I wouldn’t feel angry if only I were a better Christian, Muslim, Father, Wife, more Spiritual, less emotional, (fill in the blank here.)” Tell yourself the opposite. Tell yourself “You better believe I am angry - I have every right to be angry!” Be mad until you are not mad anymore. Do this for a long time and you will be surprised at what happens. Deny your anger and it will never leave you.
You entered this world as a perfectly loveable human being, with every right to be treated with respect and dignity. But you were not. And at some point you stopped believing that you deserved that. You stopped believing how wonderful you are. You started to believe the lies. You started to believe that you were “less than” and “not good enough” because they told you so. You were broken down and re-trained.
You were blamed for many things that were not your fault, so you are probably in the habit of blaming yourself, and it may be very difficult for you to avoid self-blame. Recognize how hard it will be for you to break this habit. Now, make a resolution to be gentle and kind with yourself, and begin!
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Some examples of self-defeating blame:
“It is my fault that he is not happy with me”
“Maybe I really am ruining his life.”
“I blame myself for not anticipating and meeting Mom’s needs.”
“I feel guilty for meeting my needs in an appropriate way because it made him angry.”
“I wish I hadn’t disappointed them.”
“I guess I am not good enough.”
