last post-just wanted to talk

[bkkabri]

Hi, I just wanted to thank you for helping me thru this very hard time.  I have reviewed the post and researched everything there is to read, and I realize my ex has some problems with N.  I have been doing alot of reflection and I realize that I do hurt alot because I shared my experience with the death of my dad with her because her medical conversations were opening old wounds that I wanted to forget.  I didnt share these stories with her to compare notes, I just really believed a person who claimed to care about me would uderstand it is a sensitive subject and would be respectful.  I never dreamed she would use it against me in the end.  I know everyone here has had an experience with Ns, so I would like to begin healing inside because I am honestly messed up about how vile this person has become.  I went from being her best friend to somebody she could throw away in no time at all.  I would appreciate any advice you could give me to share how you have overcome the feelings of rejection and guilt, and how you have been successful at moving on.  In the end I realize that my ex really avoided me in times that should have been intimate and loving.  My voice is gone because I am afraid that my affection and caring will go in the wrong direction like it did with her.  I find myself talking only when asked a question because I have a fear that talking about things will upset people like it did her.  I know it sounds crazy, but this woman has really upset my self esteem making me feel like everything she loved about me is suddenly nothing.  My biggest regret that I still have is that I wish I didnt tell her about my dad and let her talk about the blood and guts of her job.  I hate the fact that I asked her to tone it down into plain english and she took it as I didnt care about her career.  I am not a doctor, so half the stuff she was saying went right over my head. It was the story of our relationship.  I would say something and she would twist it around to make me look like the bad guy.  I couldnt even talk about a television show without her freaking out about the womens breast on the program.  There were alot of good times, but the bad times really confused the hell out of me.  This is why I am afraid to to talk.  I am seeking a therapist.  If anyone knows of a good one or good books to read, I would appreciate it.  I would also appreciate it if you need to be critical of my situation that you dont write me back because I am moving from the fog and I am seeking positive reinforcement to get better inside.  Thank you for your respect.

[Anonymous]

Hello Bkkarbi,

I am rather new here and do not know your story well. What I've read in your post here has stroken my nerve - that you shared about your father's death with the N and received a bad response.

Unfortunately, sharing about my father's death with my ex-N was my experience too.  My father died unexpectedly in Europe and all the team I worked with was at that time in Vancouver.  The situation was worsen by the fact that I myself was scheduled for a business trip to Pacific and was simply re-directed from the flight!  I came for help to the N ( not kinowing that he was N yet) and received a cold shower. It was one of the moments that I wanted to forget.  

I am not a medical doctor and do not know what to advise you. Time heals all wounds if we want the wounds to be healed.

Maybe you can try to stay away from the N.

Pearl

[BlueTopaz]

I am seeking a therapist.

That's great BK.  As far as moving on (what you asked about), I think you are already doing the best thing, in your case.  An efficient therapist can likely help most at this point.

I hope you find an excellent one very soon, and I wish you all the best....  

BT

[bkkabri]

pearl, I am sorry to hear about your loss.  I am really hurting inside because I worked so hard to let my experience with my dad go.  My ex is a nurse practitioner in geriatrics and all she really talked about was diseases and illnesses she seen.  It was like she was obsessed about becasue as she said she is interested in elderly diseases.  After a few months of talking about it, I had to let her know that it was wearing on me because it was opening the wound I worked hard to heal from.  My dad died in my arms at a young age.  I requested that she tone down the extreme talk about diseases because I feel for these people and it was getting depressing.  Her response is when are you getting over your dad dying, I dont want to tip toe around his death.  Its been seven years, its time to move on.  I am over the trama of the event, but you never get over losing somebody you love and care for.  When I asked her how she could be so empathic to her patients but not me, her exact words were "I am empathetic to their diseases, I dont listen to their personal stories"  I am convinced that my ex is in the business to make money and have the patients worship her because of her knowledge.  She used to come home every night and tell me how 80 year old men told her she looked 21.  She is 37.  I tried to be understanding, but I couldnt believe how shallow she was being.  When she left me, she said she wants to be with a man who will be making at least what she makes and that she would enjoy eating breakfast at a country club on the weekends.  She just freaked on me.   I have a hard time with this because she really made me feel like we were real.  She threw a birthday party for me, but what was weird was that she didnt invite anybody she knew to the party.  Not even my neighbor who introduced us.  I talked to my neighbor and she said she was  told that she was no longer welcome to join us with my friends.  aFter two years, I only met two people that my ex knew. The signs were there, I just really wanted to beleive her because I thought she loved me.  She doesnt love anybody but herself.  I dont know if I can ever trust again.  I hate her for using me, I hate me for being so gullible.  The worst part is I miss the illusion she gave me.  I really loved the facade because it was a mirror of who I was and what I was looking for.  In the end, she told me she doesnt date guys like me.  I am apparently the only guy she ever felt comfortable letting her hair down with.  Not sure why that is a problem.  I thought life was a journey of fun and excitement for people to share.  Thanks pearl.  Again I am sorry for your loss.  Its hard not being able to talk to somebody you care about.  I miss my dad alot.  I wish he was here to help me with my life.  I grew up without knowing what to do, and I am truly confused how my ex could be so cruel.

[Anonymous]

Dear Bkkabri,

I am sorry for your experience. Death of dear ones is something that stays with us for years, even if we come to peace with it.  

I am the only child (my Mom could not have children but insisted on having one).  I lost my Mom when SHE was  rather young and I was simply VERY young.  My Dad was my Mom and Dad for twenty years, that is why his untimely death was hard for me to bear.  

About moving on -  you are going in a right direction.   I guess I was at your shoes last summer. We can "speak" a bit later, I have to rush now.

Hang on here,
Pearl

[bkkabri]

I am seeking a therapist, but I was wondering if your Ns treated you good in the beginning making you feel like you were the perfect mate before turning on you and pushing you away.  My ex made me beleive that we were perfect for each other, then all the sudden she just started pushing me further and further away.  I just wanted to know if you guys had the same situation because I am beating my head in the wall thinking that I did something to cause this shift from "love" to demeaning me like I was nothing.  In the end, I just wish I didnt end it, because in the back of my mind I feel like I could have said or did something to make her comfortable so she wouldnt get upset about other women.  I know your answers will be its not you, I just have a hard time accepting the change in behavior to a point that went from normal to chaotic.  I just couldnt win and it pisses me off because I feel like the new guy wont have the same problems that I had.  I just really loved the woman I met and I am heart broken, because I dont know that I can trust women with my heart anymore.  Thanks for your thoughts and listening.  again I am seeking therapy.  Until that time, I have been trying to see what you have done to move on and feel good that you were not the cause of this.  I hate the fact that I ever met her at all.

[bludie]

It wouldn't matter if you were or had been perfect. She still would have exited the relationship if the 'devaluation' had begun. This means that no matter what we did/didn't do; what we said/didn't say; whether the moon was waxing or waning, our Ns will leave the relationship as quickly as it began.

I, too, remember, Brian, the first flush of what I thought was real love (at the beginning) but as has been pointed out before, this was a mirage; an image; a fascade. We get sucked in, fall in love, and want to believe that the first flush is the way the relationship is supposed to be. We forget that even Ns put their best foot forward when new in a relationship. In fact, I am convinced that Ns are excellent salespeople (mine was in real life, too). They know how to sell themselves.

When do you start therapy?

[Anonymous]

In my case at the beginning it was something like a dream came true!
I was so special! However, after three or four months I have started to feel that relations were not going in a way they should go.  

There were other signs that puzzled me - for example, we are both in mid 40ies. Nevertheless, he never mentioned previous relations and said NOTHING about women in his life except mother, even his sister was mentioned only once.    

About ending: it takes time to adjust yourself to a new situation. In my case decision was not mine: I discovered from the external source that he is going to disappear from my life  - isn't it a soap ophra in its best? So, I had no other choice as to "end" relations.

How long ago have you ended relations? Have you ceased all contacts, direct and indirect, or still have some connections?

Pearl

[Anonymous]

I am seeking a therapist, but I was wondering if your Ns treated you good in the beginning making you feel like you were the perfect mate before turning on you and pushing you away.

Yes.that is what N's do.keep reading about it and you will see by reading its common for them.

good luck in therapy too.

[onlyrenting1]

bkkabri

went from being her best friend to somebody she could throw away in no time at all. I would appreciate any advice you could give me to share how you have overcome the feelings of rejection and guilt, and how you have been successful at moving on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/thesmearcampaignoftheabuser.msnw

 
This link from Bludie's thread was very helpful. Read on the 20 N types.
there is a lot of reading on the subject.

For me I haven't gotten there yet. But I believe if you can read about it, you won't have the guilt or need to think you could have made it work.

You need to read understand what happened to you.
there are several things that took place.

You've been hurt deeply like us all.
Find what made you connect, some common thread. This may be a key starting pont to go back, deal with this common thread and move to the next step.

For myself I had a lot of hurt from my mother and so did my N.
If you can separate the common thread your bond to the N may change, moving to the next step.
Remember it's your reflection's the N used. Your N knew how to be your soul mate, thats what made you feel connected.
 
FEELINGS, they are temporary don't get stuck keep moving.

Let me know can you tell me a common thread you had with her.

onlyrenting





 


 

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[bkkabri]

I am so paralized by this.  I was doing great before I met her.  I was a stand up comic, an entrepeneur, achieving my dreams.  She walks into my life and she is perfect.  She is beautiful from head to toe, smart,  and she took to me instantly.  Now I am nothing to her and she ran off with some guy who is nothing all because he is a doctor and she can talk about the elderly and her patient load without worrying about my dad and tip toeing around his death.  I am so freaking frustrated because I never told her to tip toe around his death.  I only asked that she tone it down to a level that wasnt so brutal in facts because the blood and guts were a lot to take every day.  Of all the careers in the world this woman had to pick geriatrics, not delivering babies.  I really believe she picked this field because old people give her praise of how wonderful she is.  I cant even talk to a woman anymore because I feel like I will insult her in some way that she will freak out.  I cant even dance to a song because she told my mom she refuses to dance with me because she cant dance that way.  I look at people now and I cant breath because they will turn on my kindness and treat me like garbage.  I dont understand any of this.  Why do these freaking people have to exist.  I hate her for loving me and then treating me like I was nothing.  All I wanted was her to love me back like she used to.  why is that asking so much.  why does this indian doctor get to have her and I dont.  Why is she so repulsed by me and doing such crazy stuff when I did nothing to deserve this.  I cant let it go in my head.  She was my perfect mate.  She mirrored me instead of being authentic.  I cant trust anyone anymore.  I am suddenly dead inside because I am paralized with fear and hurt.  I hate myself for loving her.  sorry for this but I am having an extreme moment knowing she is tucked away with somebody other than me and they dont seem to have any problems, yet she freaked on me and doesnt even care or admit it.

[onlyrentin1]

Focus on one thing at a time.

Answer my question please.

What was it when you met her, that you both had in common.
 I gave you an example now give me one of yours.

Also, Please read the link I gave you to help you undersatand the unreasonable.

I want One common thread. Please don't make me read all of your pain at once. OK I'm not that trained to gobble this all at once.

I will not respond to you if you continue to re-hash it all at once.

Can you do this or not???? Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

>I was doing great before I met her.

No--bkkabri, please consider that you weren't at all.There are many things that've been pushed down deep inside of you and ignored- that the relationship with her brought up-that's all.

I know you will think i'm crazy to say it but this relationship could have been a blessing in disguise for you!! It it a chance for you to look inside yourself & to heal so that you can find someone you truly love who won't pull the switcheroonie on you.she will be stable & loving & trustworthy. As long as you become these things to the best of your ability first!

That's the challenge--that's the gift--that's the sign post to a different life path for you.

[bkkabri]

Sorry, I went out last night and instead of having fun, I couldnt move or breath.  I find myself only talking only when talked too and I am unsure if my statements will be misunderstood and taken to be used against me.  I shouldnt have written last night, but I am so frustrated.

To answer your question, we just really seemed to have the same interest.  She liked my comedy, my ambition and I respected her ambition.  I thought it was great she was a nurse.  We could talk and felt comfortable around each other.  She loved boating with me or so I thought.  The next summer came and she just slowly drifted away.  Then all the insecurity stuff started from no where.  Again sorry for my writings last night.

[onlyrenting1]

BK... Can you try and answer the questions below the best you can

seemed to have the same interest. She liked my comedy, my ambition and I respected her ambition. I thought it was great she was a nurse. We could talk and felt comfortable around each other

1. Do you see a common thread??  You make people laugh, you like the idea of healing with laughter.  

2. What was it you found comfortable when you talked to her?
Did she let you talk about certain things that noone else would understand? What was it noone would understand? if you care to share.

3. What is your comedy about? Please explain.

4.  Do you still respect her ambition?

5. Maybe you should visit  at a hospital where people need comedy.
    could find another nurse, who won't be an N.


I'm learning here myself so maybe the blind leading the blind..

Keep sharing....Onlyrenting....