a childs Lost love from the temptations of money

[OR]

I have been very sad about Love and the temptations brought with money.
I get angry that adults manipulate children.
Once they have grown up that held back love is gone, and  lost somewhere in their confusion about what money means.

Money was always used by my mother to win the affections of my 3 sisters.
My sisters  often did what ever she wanted because they knew if they did not, the money would stop.

I know their relationship with me was not developed because she wanted to keep them from bonding too close. There was always an unspoken division from a very young age with my sisters.
I was very close to my Father and twin brother, my mother knew she could not buy me, to hurt my Father.

With my upcoming divorce my H sends our D a small gifts (not much ) and a little note telling her he misses her
3 to 4 times a week.

I some how relate gifts and money are only a ploy for control, not love.
I think my H has N-Love for her, he wants control over her every emotion.
Our 12 yr old girl, I fear if he had enough money he would manipulate her somehow and take her away from me like my mother took away my sisters.

I just got home from a short visit with my father/step mother and my brother and his family.  Maybe this is why I have the fear of what money can do to the young and how Love can be chased away and lost from the lack of bonding.  

I wonder if anyone can relate to the deep pain others are able to inflict.
Is it wrong or the thing to do when you want love so bad you buy it.

Can I get some thoughts about the long term affects.
I see them as lasting  and a trained response.

My sisters are able to make their own decisions about me but they still have the infulance of my mother and her money, not willing to change the way things have always been.
There has been so much damage done not bonding as young childern, our relations as adults have an invisable barrier not easily explained.  

I know for now this is the only way my H can show our D he cares. Is there another way for him to show he cares from this long distance without sending her gifts? (smaill gifts, t-shirts too samll, braclets, gum )
His little notes talk to her like she's a baby.
not sure what that's all about, he forgets she is 12 not 2.

appreciate any thoughts  OR
 

[October]

I think I would ask your d what she wants from her dad, and then ask him to honour that.  Three letters a week telling her about his feelings is three too many, imo.

[bunny]

OR,

I don't think your ex husband will succeed in buying your child's love. For one thing, he isn't good at it. For another, she's not that stupid. I think it's going to be okay with her. Just my thought,  bunny

[Plucky]

Hey listen to the Beatles.
Money can't buy love.  It can buy other things, such as insicere loyalty, presence, attention, certain actions.  Love acannot be bought.
Plucky

[OR]

October, Im so glad you are back on the board. I appreciate your thoughts.
I know you have so much going on with your daughter and I admire your strength.
It seems our battles never end to keep our children out of harms way.
I will pray for your voice to be heard with confiction and power.

I know our D loves me and trust me, I would want to believe she would not let money sway her.
Money is a very stong tool to use, I have the ability to do the same thing but find it will only harm her as she grows to learn about money. I want her to have  a healthy understanding about money not to be used as a contol device.

I wonder what kid would not want gifts no matter how small.
Reminds me of the treats my father gives his two dogs to do little tricks.
A treat is a treat, the dogs salivate just thinking about the treat and happy to do the tricks.

The many letters my H sends  are always sent with overnite postage spending more money on the stamps than the gift. I don't know what to think and I don't trust the motive, an Ns motive is about agenda and control.

Bunny, I should give my D more credit. These are my childhood fears I hold back on expressing them to her.
Im very careful about telling her too much becasue if she told her Dad I was concerned about his motives, he would make it more apparent in ways to hurt me. Many of his recnet e-mails talk about my mother just to send hurt and pain.  :twiste

she's not that stupid. I think it's going to be okay with her. Just my thought

Do you think his buying her little gifts is a good thing? When you buy a gift for somone it can be a kind deed.
I wonder how many bracelets she needs, and the t-shirts are like a taunt, reminding her how he has been to the beach knowing there are no beaches here. He tells her how the beach weather is so nice and how much she is missing. She tells me how hot it is here and how nice CA weather is, like I should be reminded.
I know its a little thing, I feel a constant silent battle, having to keep my mouth shut when I see the taunts.

I think he should send her gift cards so she can buy what SHE wants not what he demands she gets from him,
that would drive him crazy, I think I may suggest it to my D, see what happens.  
I can't do anything about the weather other than be glad for air-condition.  


Plucky, I know the song, I believe loyalty is a gift to another because of love and true it can't be purchaced.
People have shallow beliefs it's when the young minds learn the wrong idea from adults, they too become shallow.


thanks for the thoughts ...........OR






 

[Sela]

Hi OR:

The many letters my H sends  are always sent with overnite postage spending more money on the stamps than the gift. I don't know what to think and I don't trust the motive, an Ns motive is about agenda and control.

Sure that's it!  Telling her about the wonderful weather and the beach, t-shirts to remind her (not to fit her...not for her to actually wear).  Telling her

what she's missing

!!!!!!!!!

Control.  Manipulate.  Agenda.

You're doing a great job of recognizing this stuff, OR, and of thinking before you act.  Good for you for posting for support!  Your gut is probably telling you stuff.....helping you see his control tactics, manipulative ways and attempts to achieve his agenda.

I think he should send her gift cards so she can buy what SHE wants not what he demands she gets from him,
that would drive him crazy, I think I may suggest it to my D, see what happens.

Another possibility might be to just let things ride the way they are.  Your daughter will soon see that he is only sending stuff to try to control her by trying to make her want to return to where he lives, by trying to manipulate her with these "gifts", to get what he wants.....his agenda.....to somehow entice her to at least.....visit.

Your daughter is an intelligent girl.  She won't be 12 forever and she may already be aware of his twisted tactics.  If not....I bet it won't be long until she sees this for herself.

Don't let this goof get to you OR.  He's trying every trick in the book.  Remember he's a toddler!!

People have shallow beliefs it's when the young minds learn the wrong idea from adults, they too become shallow.

She's with you and I doubt you are teaching her wrong ideas or stuff that will keep her shallow.  Just keep on trying OR.  You're a wonderful mom and you will be the greatest influence (good influence).  You are actually showing her love....not trying to buy it or fake it.

Hey!  Maybe they have that song at the library and you could borrow it?  Play it a few times?  Sing a little?  Money can't buy love?  Those Beatles had it right, I think!   Wouldn't hurt to share the song with your D.

Sela/GFN

[OR]

GFN, Thanks for the encouragement, I just got another e-mail from the SBEXN.
I had not heard from him in a week of course our D told him we would be out of town.

He doesn't know yet but next week he will be mailed the OSC from me, then 10 days later we have a hearing by phone, this is 8-1-05. I don't understand he keeps telling me I have to be in CA on the 8th and must bring our D. I have nothing from him or a lawyer telling me where Im to be. I think he may have it wrong the date is 8-1 not 8-8. I don't think he can open another case ?? Im waiting until the last minute to send them.
Im sure once I do his little brain will start thinking of ways to manipulate our D.

His e-mail then explains how because I have not let our D see him or have no contact (big lie) for 6mos (has it been 6 mos)? NO. that she should go to back to her old school.
She starts school here on the 8th the day he claims we have to be in CA.....somewhere.

He then tells me about my mother and all the crap she put my dad thru, how I would no doubt do the same to him. He knows how hurt I have been about what my mom did to my dad, so he spells out in painful detail all the things she did. 

I saw the letter he sent her today, he ask her about all the gifts he bought and if she got them and how he can't wait for her to arrive in CA.
He asked her " I've ask several times have you listen to my CD of the radio broadcast ??
I don't think she cares to listen not sure of any one reason. She dosen't know I read the letter, she left it on the table, so I read it.

I asked her to please keep the e-mails she sends to him.
She always cuts me off when I talk to her about him, I say very little. She will be speaking with her T on Saturday, they need time to gain trust so not sure how much will be discussed and Im not ever sure what is the most critical to talk about.
Between the upcoming divorce and her concerns about staying here and what she hears from him about moving back to CA, because he says so. I don't know what will happen and we are holding our breath until she starts school.

Thanks for reading, I get shaky inside when he sends me his BS, I keep telling myself not to look at them.
I guess I want to know where my enemy stands even when he is in left field.

 

[Sela]

Hiya OR:

She always cuts me off when I talk to her about him, I say very little.

No matter how crumby a parent your H has been (or how sick he behaves), your daughter probably has caring feelings about him and may even miss him some.  This only makes sense, especially if he has successfully manipulated her in the past and she is unaware of it.  I wonder if it would help to just say that you care about her and want her to feel comfortable and that if there is anything she wishes to talk about, especially in regard to her dad .....you will be there for her?   It's kinda hard to have strong concerns about a person's behaviour and yet allow a child to have a relationship with that person eh?  Been there, done that, not easy stuff ((((((((((OR)))))))).

In regard to his crappy emails......I would have a hard time not reading them, I think.  Plus....if he writes cooky stuff....it is evidence.  Just try to remind yourself a) how glad you are that you no longer have to reside with him, b) that you will not allow him to intimidate you and c) you are looking/reading for information purposes.  Do your best to respond:  "received email" and nothing more.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Sela/GFN

[OR]

GFN,

It's kinda hard to have strong concerns about a person's behaviour and yet allow a child to have a relationship with that person eh?  Been there, done that, not easy stuff ((((((((((OR)))))))).

You got it!.........At 12 yrs old and with help from this T, I know she will learn how to communicate with other difficult people in her life.
What do you say you must press through the best way with a good attitude.
We are not depressed just want to understand how to sort the unhealthy parts out and charish the good parts. When she cuts me off I feel helpless to give her understanding from my perspective.
I'm paying for a T so she can speak with another perspective with an understanding of the N-mind.

This weekend my D goes to a missions camp through the chruch. They have 5 days to be with other kids helping out with homeless shelter, they will be working in the clothing store, going to an elderly home,
VBS helping and putting on a play, swimming, a moive with dinner and shopping at the mall in Huston.

I wonder if she will grow in her heart how to appreciate all she does have both love and material things.

Thanks for reading OR

[OR]

I just got a letter from our neighbor back in CA. I open she has two notes one is folded where it has my name written in the courner. The other letter she writes hello to our D. I unfold the letter it's from my H

He's telling me a bunch of BS. says don't start a fight with him he has a blood clot and will respond to my ultmatums with a polite OK.  Making remarks like he plans on me to tell him to bring me back to TX??
or give me my way. I guess he's sure I will have to move back to CA.

If I do have to move I lose my job here, my  rent will double, he will then leave us like he planned.
I have sent the OSC today, he will get this in the mail by the weekend. There is a letter saying how he wanted to leave us and come here by himself. I guess if the law says I have to move back I will have to go.

I went to another T today because of the legal custody factor. This is a man, the other T was in training and a young girl. I think a man would be good for our D, I'm looking for another man T that will be covered with my Insurrance. The girl was only 25.00 this one is 110.

My D is at camp having a great time. I don't know if the judge will consider her desire to stay here. 


We will see on the 1st.    OR