Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Cutting my parents off, but I have kids... what to do?
nihil:
Hello all,
A little update on my situation.
I have been reading up on these issues and thinking very hard about what to do. My thoughts and emotions went from one extreme to another :
Option 1 - I hate them for what they did to me plus all the abuse I still can't bring to the surface yet (getting there... it hurts big time) and I don't want to see them anymore.
Option 2 - I need time and distance to heal and to understand. I will ask them to not contact me or my kids for the next 6 months (an approximation based on my rate of solving emotional issues - but I think that it will take lots more time. Looking up on therapy right now.)
Option 3 - I try to understand them and all the pain they suffered, and I still see them maybe once a month (for the kids' sake, and because I don't want to unduly hurt my parents). Planned outings, my kids never sleep over, I don't accept junkfood and junk entertainment anymore.
So, I was balancing all these options the last couple of days. Then 3 days ago, my mother decided that she hadn't seen the kids in a long time (2 weeks...) so she told my daughter over the phone that she would be over to my place, without asking if it was ok. I hadn't told my daughters yet of what was going on with my parents, so when I found out that my mother (puke) was coming over, I did my best not to show my anger.
So she came over, asked them if they wanted to go to the restaurant, then they just bought hot-dogs, sat in their car with the kids, ate, then left. They didn't come in my house, just took them out, fed them trash then left. Hit and run. They get their narcissistic fix by hurting me again, and by using my kids. I was cooking supper for them when the doorbell wrang. She didn't even ask me if I had anything planned. She just doesn't give a shit about my life (recently, I told her that I was feeling suicidal, she said : "Well, I hope you have life insurance." What a bitch!).
Today : just reread Tinkergirl's post and I think it has solidified my position on the whole issue. I keep telling myself how much better I would feel if I didn't see them at all anymore. I found out that same day that my mother had been off-loading alot of personal crap on my daughter regularly on the phone, telling her how everybody else is just mean, that she's a victim and alot of other emotionnally manipulative garbage. I can't take this anymore. I think that I have my answer right there...
I'll think about it some more for a few days, try to talk to my kids about this issue, without forcing them to take sides while listening carefully to their words and emotions, then I'll think some more, then I'll take a final decision.
Thank you all for your precious input.
Take care of your selves.
PS I found a really useful e-book on depth therapy which explains how childhood trauma affects our adult lives. It's sort of "fringe" experimental, but the words really really REALLY moved me. I think that it might be worth looking up. I am no expert, this could be total crap. Here's the link :
http://www.paulvereshack.com/
Tinkergirl:
hi again,
thanks nic and nihil for your supportive posts on my opinion about this subject...
nihil....PLEASE if you have any serious thoughts of suicide, and if those thoughts are directly related to your horrible, horrible N parents (the life insurance comment has really riled me up) then i urge you to immediately cut them off. you don't owe anyone an explanation right now. you NEVER owe your parents an explanation or respect. they haven't shown it to you, do NOT go out of your way to not "unduly hurt" your parents. they do not deserve the attention and respect you are granting them right now.
also, if it is clear your mother has negatively affected your daughter, i really challenge you to consider the damage you are exposing her to. didn't you wish as a child there was another adult who would recognize and intervene to help you escape the wrath of your parents? well now you ARE the parent and you need to intervene...not negotiate...with your daughter. (while i appreciate the fact you want to talk this situation over with the kids, they will not and should not be exposed to/negotiated with about the abuse issues...they are not old enough to understand...they need protection...not to be put in the middle of adult issues) she needs to be protected, not exposed to hurtful language and behavior....she would much rather have you be a healthy, happy mom who doesn't have suicidal thoughts than have a distant and depressed mother with occasional visits from a grandmother who is at best hurtful and at worst abusive.
nihil, you've really hit a nerve for me and i'm deeply concerned about you and while i know i am being rather forceful in my opinions on your topic, i just am truly concerned for your life and your children's well-being. please don't put a timeline on distancing yourself from your parents...it takes however long it takes to really feel your anger and emotions...it may be six months, it may be never. it will not be easy for you, but suicide is not an option. your life is worth so much and those children would be devastated without their mom...they are getting a taste of it now because you aren't allowing yourself to become the real you due to the horrible guilt, frustration and anger you are harboring over your parents role in your current life. don't limit yourself on healing. you had a choice to heal as a single adult, but now it is your responsibility to heal yourself as a mother and protect those children, above all else. please take care and keep us informed.
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Tinkergirl ---
nihil....PLEASE if you have any serious thoughts of suicide, and if those thoughts are directly related to your horrible, horrible N parents (the life insurance comment has really riled me up) then i urge you to immediately cut them off. you don't owe anyone an explanation right now. you NEVER owe your parents an explanation or respect. they haven't shown it to you, do NOT go out of your way to not "unduly hurt" your parents. they do not deserve the attention and respect you are granting them right now.
also, if it is clear your mother has negatively affected your daughter, i really challenge you to consider the damage you are exposing her to. didn't you wish as a child there was another adult who would recognize and intervene to help you escape the wrath of your parents?..... she needs to be protected, not exposed to hurtful language and behavior....she would much rather have you be a healthy, happy mom who doesn't have suicidal thoughts than have a distant and depressed mother with occasional visits from a grandmother who is at best hurtful and at worst abusive.
nihil, you've really hit a nerve for me and i'm deeply concerned about you and while i know i am being rather forceful in my opinions.....it will not be easy for you, but suicide is not an option. your life is worth so much and those children would be devastated without their mom...they are getting a taste of it now because you aren't allowing yourself to become the real you due to the horrible guilt, frustration and anger you are harboring over your parents role in your current life. don't limit yourself on healing. you had a choice to heal as a single adult, but now it is your responsibility to heal yourself as a mother and protect those children, above all else. please take care and keep us informed.
--- End quote ---
Tinkergirl, you may feel you're being "forceful" - I feel you're being honest and very clear about your feelings. I agree with everything you said, especially the parts I've quoted above.
You are so right, once we have children, it's our obligation to use any and all resources to make/keep ourselves as healthy as possible, in order to NOT pass this craziness on to our children. I've been seeing the signs in my own sons for awhile, and there were probably earlier signs I didn't recognize. I've been trying to deal with Ndad for such a long time, but when I saw signs of damage in my sons, both from Ndad and my own unhealthy ways of dealing with him and protecting my sons, my quest for health became URGENT!
We have a choice...the children don't...I agree with you that it's imperative for us to make the right choices, unless we're willing to sacrifice our children as we were sacrificed. I'm finding out that the more decisions/choices I make for the good health of my sons, the healthier I'm getting...my sons are truly a blessing, in ways I'm only beginning to realize...
bobbie
I_am_mine:
that was my post, directly above, not used to this board yet :oops:
Leave it to a newbie.... :? :oops: :wink:
bobbie
rosencrantz:
Nihil - For what it's worth, my mother had only two outcomes for my life : suicide or a mental institution. And when she comes anywhere near me, even now, those are still the only two overwhelming options open to me.
But I now have a family of my own - and when I am with them, mentally and emotionally, those two options just do not exist within me at all.
It's not rocket science is it?
My son is now ten years old. He thinks his grandmother is a really nice person on the basis of frequent gifts of money and short telephone chats over a period of about three or four years.
What values is that relationship teaching him? And how do I explain to him the inevitable 'gaps' in their relationship. Whatever I say, he will blame himself, believe himself inadequate or 'wrong' in some way to have caused her sudden disinterest. Or it's my fault for not being nice enough to her (!)
It had always been my intention for them to have a relationship. But I didn't understand my mother's narcissism. Now I understand fully the implications of this disorder, I would not ask any child to try to cope with such a manipulative relationship. It is far too complicated and damaging.
Other people do not exist for narcissist except in terms of functions or roles, certainly not as valued individuals. What does that do to a child's self-esteem? Children do not have the capacity to do anything other than take that at face value : I do not exist, I am not valued. These are not messages which lead to self-esteem, happiness and success as an adult.
With regard to explaining to children - if our own friends and family don't comprehend the impact of a narcissistic parent or spouse (quote : they don't mean it, they love you really) then how can we expect children (with their more simplistic viewpoint) to understand.
Just don't go there. You are their parent and you take the decisions about health and safety and things beyond their understanding. Please don't put such a difficult decision on their shoulders when they don't have the knowledge or the sophistication to make the decision. They'll only feel guilty whoever they choose.
I have so much wanted everyone in the world to make their own decisions, not influenced by me (and yet passionately wanting to 'make a difference'!) - but that's 'us' adult children of narcissistic parents, isn't it.
What we need to do is to take responsibility for our place in the world and stand up for what is right and good and healthy and true and sane.
My mantra : Just do it! :-)
R
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