Cutting my parents off, but I have kids... what to do?

[nihil]

Dear Tinkergirl,

I sincerely thank you and I fully appreciate your effort to help me get through this.

First off : I am a dad...  

Hmmm... concerning the suicidal ideation episodes : those are behind me for now. I have been working really hard to screw my head back on properly and I haven't had suicidal thoughts in months. I realize now why I kept having them (at least I see the main triggers, but still lots of stuff to manage in my subconscious. I will be going to therapy shortly, I just have to decide what approach I feel is best for me.).

I now realize that my parents are extremely abusive. I had been repressing all my memories since I was an infant, erasing my past as I went. But my pas has started resurfacing and I am seeing (and most importantly FEELING) what was going wrong in my life. I have broken off contacts with lots of people and have started to change my habits and my behaviours quite radically (but doing it as it comes naturally - I feel good about what I am doing). So in essence, I am going to the core of my problems and dealing with reality in a way that I will be able to heal and to finally feel integrated, whole and free from outside psychological manipulation.

Today, the only feeling that deeply resonated in me was that I was on the verge of leading a great life, but I had to set my final boundaries and cut ties with the abuse and self-loathing. This to me means cutting my parents out of my life (exteriorizing and eliminating the "bad" objects in my consciousness). I just want to tell my kids that having my parents around hurts me and doesn't bring anything positive to them either. I want to tell them that it's ok to feel sad and hurt about it but since it is my life and my parents and that they are at risk there is no other option for me. When my kids are adults, solid, good judgement, experience, critical thinking, free spirits, then they can maybe go talk to them. Then it will be their choice. I agree, I have to protect them from their grandparents' toxic influence, and give myself a chance to really heal.

So the moment is coming soon... I'll keep you all informed as it might be useful (educational? validating?) to you also who might face the same situation.

Thank you again for your thought-provoking words and your sensitivity.

Take care.

[I_am_mine]

....Other people do not exist for narcissist except in terms of functions or roles, certainly not as valued individuals.  What does that do to a child's self-esteem?  Children do not have the capacity to do anything other than take that at face value : I do not exist, I am not valued.  These are not messages which lead to self-esteem, happiness and success as an adult.......

What we need to do is to take responsibility for our place in the world and stand up for what is right and good and healthy and true and sane.

My mantra : Just do it!
R

R...so, so true!  Been there, done that (as with many others on this board), and absolutely do not want my sons going down that same road, suffering the "knowledge" that they're defective, then achieving adulthood and adding up the hours with a therapist, while wondering, "why did mom let (N)grandpa do this to us?"

So important that the cycle be broken, and we have the choices and power  in our hands right now!

bobbie

[nihil]

Hello all,

I think all of you are right when concerning the fact that I shouldn't burden my children with this responsibility. I don't really know what to tell them except that my parents have always hurt me and continue to do so I don't want any of us to suffer from this any longer. Do any of you have any recommendations?

Hmmmm..... I think I just answered my own question...

I'm sure it's easier to get over the loss of their presence than trying to get over years of subtle (and not so subtle...) soul-destruction which I have been feeling since my childhood.

Again, thank you all.

[I_am_mine]

My explanation to my sons - "Papa has a different way of relating to people and the world than we do.  He's a very unhappy person, and doesn't know how or isn't interested in, making himself happier.  Because of this, he tends to be super-critical, and tries to manipulate people, particularly those he is close to and comfortable with, in ways he thinks will provide happiness for him.  This is unacceptable behavior and can cause a lot of hurt to those he belittles or manipulates, and since it's much easier for him to "use" people who have little or no defenses, or are not in a position to use those defenses, I've made the decision that I won't expose you to him, if at all possible.  Of course, when you're older and present less of a "target" to him, I won't forbid contact between you and papa, nor will I encourage it."

My sons are teenagers, and since they (unfortunately) are very aware of the dynamics between Ndad and me, I felt I could be open with them.  With younger children, that approach may be too direct.

Good luck, nihil.  These days, children get burdened by so much at such a young age anyway; IMHO, the longer (within reason, of course) they can remain "children", the better...

bobbie