guidance please

[jondo]

I guess I'm looking for some guidance.  I am one of 4 children of an extreme N mother.  Our father was equally abused and without voice.  They split 25 years ago when I was 15.  All I ever experienced from her was fear and we learned our purpose was to please her.  I do not recall a single incident of communication or caring from her in my entire life. She lives for what other people think of her. She comes from an aggressive alcoholic family who also had an N mother. After years of wondering what my problems were, i began therapy and began to understand these dynamics.  I have e-mailed her the N descriptions which describe her perfectly and encourage her to get the help she needs if she ever hopes of beginning relationships with 3 of her 4 kids.  The other, my sister is her protoge and supports her claims of being the best mother in world!?  She's happy to just have that one pretender in her life regardless of her history of unhealthy relationships and 4 marriages and countless other men that she eventually annihilates.  Anyway, the current situation is this - for the first time ever I have shared this information with my spineless father who hasn't spoken a word of this to any of his children, yet knows it's true.  His position is to just leave it alone because she'll never change. He thinks we should not cause problems in the family and carry on with her.  All of us have problems that are undeniable, from her abuse and he's wanting to continue to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room?  I am content holding my ground - no contact with her of any type until she acknowledge's her problems and gets the help she needs.  Alot of my wiser and older relatives who watch this family from the wings, think it's about time somebody stood up to the female N streak that runs in her family.  They are so aggressive that people choose either to cooperate with the dysfunction when necessary or stay as far away as possible. I have chosen to stay in the center of the room and address the elephant for what it is which is equivelent to starting WW3 in this sick family.  So the question is - how do you handle an N and others family members that remain nuetral mostly out of fear of her?  I am content to continue to not have a rrelationship forever yet the persistent aggression from her side to get back to the "close" relationship that she'd like to resume, wears on a person.  They just don't take no for an answer.  What is bizarre is that I have never spoken to her - I stopped speaking to her when I was 13.  She's waiting for me to get the help that I need - if you can imagine.  What do I do with her?

[Anonymous]

Stick to your guns.

You've already done what "she's been waiting, for", right? Got yourself some therapy, right? So YOU are doing, as a result of seeking the help your mother recommended, exactly what therapy has helped you understand is good for you - Setting Boundaries with her.

She will probably keep doing the same things - keep trying to get "close" (e.g., get you to give up your new boundaires), keep insisting that something is wrong with you if you don't, but don't let that get to you (as much as you can help it).

She'll probably keep at it for a long while because it has worked regularly and well in the past, so it may take a while for her to accept that you are serious (and she may never get it, at that).

Don't let that get you down, just say to yourself (and her if you think it will do any good) :

I am as close as it is healthy for me to be and will not come closer unitl/unless conditions change meaningfully and permanently.

I like to feel good and happy, so I am going to spend my time with people and situations that make me feel that way.

I am changing myself positively.

No telling what she will do or not do in response to your decision to stay distant unitl she gets help. You just have to make this yours and decide the best course for yourself, regardless.

As for the rest of the family? Maybe they'll get into the fray and stand up with you, maybe they'll cheerlead quietly but just out of sight, maybe some will get mad and accuse you of "rocking the boat" because you've had the spine to speak up about what you believe is a severe family dysfunction.

The latter especially may get you down, but try not to let it derail your efforts to become a better, stronger person.

Author NII

[serena]

All I can add to your post is that I am in the exact same position.  I think there is NOTHING to be gained by trying to educate your mother as to the personality disorder that is Narcissism.

This will only serve to 'feed' her and will rebound on you and you will be in the firing line from other family members.

My best advice to you would be to accept your mother is a Narcissist, will never change, will never provide you with the 'harbour' that most Mothers would and seek guidance and love elsewhere.

That's not to say you need to 'write her off' - I maintain a polite, cordial relationship with my N mother - but I have 'internal' boundaries.  This might seem crazy but I have a 'cerebral filter' for every syllable she utters i.e. I hear it, analyse it and usually discard it.  

You need to find a sense of self - which is never easy - to be able to deal with a Narcissist.

I have likened it before to being a 'psychological orphan' or someone with a 'cardboard cutout' of a mother.

We are born to love them, try our hardest every day of our life, yet meet rejection, neglect, abuse and cruel words.

Be yourself and don't think you can 'salvage, change or redeem her'.

My best regards

Serena

[bunny not logged in]

Our father was equally abused and without voice.

But he was an adult so he wasn't equally abused. He didn't have to tolerate it but he chose to.

I have e-mailed her the N descriptions which describe her perfectly and encourage her to get the help she needs if she ever hopes of beginning relationships with 3 of her 4 kids.

This strategy won't change anything but hopefully it made you feel better.

Anyway, the current situation is this - for the first time ever I have shared this information with my spineless father who hasn't spoken a word of this to any of his children, yet knows it's true.  His position is to just leave it alone because she'll never change.

Yes he has always been spineless. He won't change any more than your mother will. They're in the dance together.

I have chosen to stay in the center of the room and address the elephant for what it is which is equivalent to starting WW3 in this sick family.  So the question is - how do you handle an N and others family members that remain neutral mostly out of fear of her?

I would do what I have to do, without needing their backup. I wouldn't  involve them in my fight if they want to stay neutral. That's their choice and they're entitled to it.

I wouldn't do anything with your mother, it sounds like you've stated your case and that's it. There's nothing more to be done. If she's bugging you, can you block her messages?

bunny