Parenting?

[pinecone]

what is the solution here?  my parents were (are) SICK themselves - how can we expect sick parents to raise healthy children?  thank god we are learning so much about psychology now - it is a relatively new science - Freud started it, at the turn of the century - all we can do is be the best we can be - however difficult, however hard:  reverse the trend, acknowledge the positive, what is the alternative?

[miaxo guest]

I worry about how my two small children will end up being effected by their N Dad.  Thankfully, I have them over 90% of the time and I am hoping based on that I will be able to reverse any damage he may inflict.  

I am very close to my children and they know they can communicate anything to me.  In the meantime I document everything in hopes that one day soon he will be restricted to supervised visits only OR no visitation at all.

I blame myself for ever having N as their Father.  I was so young and naive.  With that being said, I do count my blessings...my two wonderful, beautiful and charming children.

[Anonymous]

Miaxo,

Love your children. Tell them everyday you love them. Show them everyday with your actions (not monetary but real love) that you love them.

Teach them confidence. Show them how to be assured of their thoughts and actions. Allow them to speak their thoughts, respectfully of course. Debate with them and do not shun them for speaking opposite of your feelings

Treat them as you want to be treated.

They will grow up knowing the difference. They may suffer from having an Ndad, but they will be much better off with your love and confidence than with with your worry and stress.

[miaxo guest]

Thanks.

I know I am blessed to have my children and want them to be able to look back on their childhoods and cherish them rather than cringe.  I make sure there are always plenty of hugs and kisses to go around. Sure, there are days when they "drive Mommy crazy" but that is what kids are supposed to do.  

I do involve myself in their worlds (brownie Mom, Room Mom, cheer them from the sidelines, etc)  I do allow them to make decisions even though they are minor ones like, What do you want to wear? Do you want to have a play date?  What sport/activity do you want to focus on?
What book do you want Mom to read? What movie do you want to see? What would you do differently?  And the list of questions goes on........

I do know that I have to learn to stop overcompensating for N Dad's lack of appropriate parenting.  Overall, I have to thank my lucky stars that my children are well adjusted social beings and are often described as being "gregarious" by teachers.  Both do exceptionally well in school and are affectionate.

A big bonus which helps further nurture the kids in healthy ways is their relationship with my Mom and my siblings.  They all live very close by and are very involved in their lives.  Last but not least, I have the most wonderful husband who loves them like his own and the kids love him like a Dad (he has known my son since he was 13 months and daughter since she was 3 1/2).  We have been married for over 2 years now and this all adds to their stablility and happiness.

I truly hope that everyone on this board will be able to find some level of peace in their lives because as humans that is the least we deserve.

[Anonymous]

pinecone, all parents are not equally sick! The healthier people will teach the unhealthier (or ignorant by lack of knowledge) people.

It still amazes me how loving families behave and relate to each other. It's like another world.

Try this: www.cyberparent.com

[mum]

Maxio:
Don't worry.  You are doing a great job.  As soon as someone gets outside of their pain and takes a good look at themselves, they have one foot on the road to happiness.  You have done that.
  I am in a very similar situation, a little further along maybe, as my children are older and I have been divorced from the N for a long time.  Know that he may continue to try and punish you, and may use the only thing he can get to you with (the kids) but also know that:
A) you can heal and get to a point where no matter what he does, you will still be happy (tough, I know, with kids involved, but I know it can be done) and
B) you will do the right thing for your kids by showing them what truth and love looks like, feels like and does for a person (you have already done that by not staying with the N)
Kids are resilient and a phrase that kept me going was: "children only need one good parent".  Counting your blessings is indeed the way to go: focus on the positive and you create the positive, focus on what is negative (boy those N's sure know how to give out lots of that!) and more will come your way.  Learn to let go of the crap and you'll be on your way!!

[miaxo]

mum,

I'm learning to laugh at xN's antics as it helps alleviate some of the anxiety.  

Thanks for the advice..especially about the kids only needing one good parent.  

good luck to you too.

mia

[mum]

hey, Miaxo, I really butchered your username....the kind and loving Miaxo (for love and kisses?) became the powerful goddess MAXIO! How funny (and possibly appropriate) is that?  have a great day

[mum]

Hi, Pinecone, didn't mean to forget you in my reply to Miaxo's comment.  The "solution" is YOU and what you are doing right now!  You have ultimate power! YES, focus on what is positive, YES let the rest go.  That is what is to be done.  We do not have to be the "vicitms" of anything (our experience or heritage).  We get to choose what we want. You are doing that.  You get to be the real you, the one before and under all the pain, and nothing else. You get to decide and view life any way you want, which can include dumping your pain which you didn't ask for and are not overtly responsible for, but what the universe gave you to learn how to be happy.  So use it, walk through it, past it and into happines. Oh, wait, you're doing that, see?

[miaxo]

mum,

That is so cool.  Learn something new everyday.