Miaxo: I can relate only too well. My ex N and I have been to court in a long, drawn out trial, and through months of mediation, and now another possible trial (regarding visitation time, no less). I feel your fear and pain and if I could, I would take it all from you as long as you need the break (I have learned what to do with pain....so it's not a problem). Short of that...I will send you the love and positive energy you need to keep your chin up. How about this: picture all of the anonymous people you have met here as your own personal angels...our wings will keep you safe.
The protective light or bubble is a great idea: it is your aura, keep it in close and when you pick up on his negative energy or others (courtrooms are full of it)...drop it down and away from you. Fill yourself up with how you want to feel.
You are going to be ok. Having family in the courtroom helped me feel better. Sticking feng shui items in my bag, wearing power colors, etc., tried em all but nothing was a magic totem. I didn't know it then, but the bottom line is that power is internal and not dependent on circumstances. You are doing the right thing. You have a great deal of power...you are a mother bear protecting your young. You know your children.....you know what they need.
I don't know if this next part helps, but, I think I may have made a mistake when I expressed my hurt and resentment toward my ex in court.
My attorneys at the time, thought my "righteous indignation" was appropriate, but I am not so sure (especially now, since I lost the case).
It wasn't about custody or visitation at the time (was about my relocation), but I can see where a judge might not feel confident about siding with someone who still has "resentful victim" written all over her face (however justifiable). Perhaps, like me, you truly feel the kids are better off not spending more time with him...and if he is like my ex N, he sees the children as possessions to control and tools to do battle with, primarily. It's hard to do when they use the children like that, but stay focused on sounding like you have no intention on undermining their relationship with their dad, but you simply believe (whatever it is) is/is not in their best interest.
I am sure your attorney has coached you, but the "I meassage" is important to stick with: "I do/do not believe this is in (the child's) best interest" and prepare to back it up. Don't take it personally when you are attacked by his lawyer for speaking for the kids as in "heresay"...you probably already know that no parent can really speak for the children in court. If you stick with " I believe" and "this is what I see...." no one can strike that. Most of all, don't sweat it. The opposing attorney was hired by an ass to be an ass (match made in heaven, I called it). Focus on your child, and avoid expressing your former or present fear of him (unless there is documented abuse of course)....
Focus on what you want, and internally, how it feels to have what you want, and you will draw it to you. Focus on the negative and you get more (I think I saw this in action in my case). Life does not have to be hard. You deserve it not to be anymore.
Another thing, in the "long run" that has helped me heal and let go is this: as much as I loathe my ex, and as rotten as a person I may think he is, he is my kids' dad. They will have to have a relationship with him that is out of my influence. Accepting that has helped them and me a lot. Because I can let that be, and have learned to be happier just myself, they are coming to a point where they will stand up to him and for themselves... important learning for them.
Good luck.......stay the course. You have amazing power (and a lot of angel wings!)
