Author Topic: court next week with Ex N  (Read 4275 times)

Anonymous

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court next week with Ex N
« on: January 28, 2005, 05:03:29 PM »
I suppose I'm looking for some words of advice on how to handle myself next week at the courthouse.  This is the second time since August that we are going before the judge regarding N's request to increase his parenting time with the children.

This battle has been going on for a year now.  The last time I met with him face to face was back in November during a four hour mediation meeting.  I left out of there feeling like every last bit of energy was sucked out of me and I ended up with a major migraine that Imitrex couldn't even touch.  Anyway, I am so dreading the fact that I will be in close quarters with him again.  One plus is that my attorney will be present (wasn't permitted at mediation) so I am hoping that my attorney's presence will help ease my anxieties.  

Please keep me in your thoughts and /or prayers.  Any positive vibes would be appreciated as well.  I just hope that the children won't be forced to spend more time with N than they already do.  So far things appear to be in my favor but one never knows the whims of a judge on any given day.

miaxo

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2005, 05:05:09 PM »
I posted this thread....I was logged in but it came up as guest. Oh well.

Anonymous

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2005, 06:12:08 PM »
miaxo, my thoughts are for you.

How to be? Cool, calm, collected, sure of yourself and your objectives and determined. Armed with the facts and your own self-assurance. Protecting your children - what could be a more powerful, truthful, motivating force? Keep them in your mind and not him....luego

bunny

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2005, 06:21:07 PM »
Four hours of mediation without an attorney??? Sounds pretty bad all right. I'm glad your attorney will be there next week. Sheesh.

Is there any way you can plan for ways to make it easier on yourself? Some support people you can call right afterward? Bring a stuffed animal in the car? Have a plan for doing something good for yourself afterward?

If you can imagine a wall of fire, steel, glass, angels, whatever, surrounding you when he is in the proximity, would that help? I'm not much of a visualizer but I'd use any strategy to increase distance between myself and this individual.

good luck!
bunny

Anonymous

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2005, 08:07:27 PM »
Miaxo,
Sounds awful. I posted this on onlyrenting's thread. It has information about dealing with NPDs and BPDs in court and through the legal system. I am sending you much strength. When I've had tough things to face, I've wrapped myself in white light and envisioned blue light (for healing) wrapped around any environment that was troublesome. If nothing else, it made me feel better and more prepared.

bunny's right about trying to get some support there with you or having someone to talk with and process after it's over. Keep us informed.

Best,

bludie

Anonymous

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2005, 08:16:11 PM »
Guest:

I went to court with my best friend when she was divorcing her N bipolar husband.  (When he sent his support checks through the court he would burn cigerette holes in the checks)  My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your children.  Just have as many friends and others available after/during the ordeal as possible.  Many hugs Patz

serena

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2005, 08:22:32 PM »
Quote from: Anonymous
Guest:

I went to court with my best friend when she was divorcing her N bipolar husband.  (When he sent his support checks through the court he would burn cigerette holes in the checks)  My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your children.  Just have as many friends and others available after/during the ordeal as possible.  Many hugs Patz


I echo all the kind words posted for you.  I also wish you strength because you will need it.

Be brave, positive and good!!!

Anonymous

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Ooops!
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2005, 08:29:00 PM »
Here are other links that may give you more legal information:
http://www.eddylaw.com/vol2_no1_art4.htm
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

Sorry Miaxo. Here those URLs.

Best,

bludie

onlyrenting1

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2005, 09:02:35 PM »
Miaxo,

Good luck in court. I went to Barnes and Nobel today to look for that book bludie suggested,subject:  Spitting and P-Disorders.  

Onlyrenting1,
Here are other links that may give you more legal information:
http://www.eddylaw.com/vol2_no1_art4.htm
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

I couldn't find it. I did go to the Divorce shelf and skimed over the
DO it yourself Divorce laws in CA. I know I need to get very legal in every point or it will come back to haunt me.
Im getting a big lump in my throat trying to face this. I know its best not to worry it will all work out.

I hope an attorney can see you thru this with a happy out come.
We will be there  with our prayers. I like the Idea of the blue lights around you or maybe imagine angles with swords surrounding you.  
What ever it takes to not show fear and be determined about what you want with your childern.

Be strong, onlyrenting

mum

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2005, 10:44:11 PM »
Miaxo: I can relate only too well. My ex N and I have been to court in a long, drawn out trial, and through months of mediation, and now another possible trial (regarding visitation time, no less).  I feel your fear and pain and if I could, I would take it all from you as long as you need the break (I have learned what to do with pain....so it's not a problem).  Short of that...I will send you the love and positive energy you need to keep your chin up.  How about this: picture all of the anonymous people you have met here as your own personal angels...our wings will keep you safe.
     The protective light or bubble is a great idea: it is your aura, keep it in close and when you pick up on his negative energy or others (courtrooms are full of it)...drop it down and away from you.  Fill yourself up with how you want to feel.
     You are going to be ok.  Having family in the courtroom helped me feel better.  Sticking feng shui items in my bag, wearing power colors, etc., tried em all but nothing was a magic totem.  I didn't know it then, but the bottom line is that  power is internal and not dependent on circumstances.  You are doing the right thing.  You have a great deal of power...you are a mother bear protecting your young.  You know your children.....you know what they need.
      I don't know if this next part helps, but, I think I may have made a mistake when I expressed my hurt and resentment toward my ex in court.
My attorneys at the time, thought my "righteous indignation" was appropriate, but I am not so sure (especially now, since I lost the case).
It wasn't about custody or visitation at the time (was about my relocation), but I can see where a judge might not feel confident about siding with someone who still has "resentful victim" written all over her face (however justifiable).  Perhaps, like me, you truly feel the kids are better off not spending more time with him...and if he is like my ex N, he sees the children as possessions to control and tools to do battle with, primarily. It's hard to do when they use the children like that, but stay focused on sounding like you have no intention on undermining their relationship with their dad, but you simply believe (whatever it is) is/is not in their best interest.  
I am sure your attorney has coached you, but the "I meassage"  is important to stick with:  "I do/do not believe this is in (the child's) best interest" and prepare to back it up.  Don't take it personally when you are attacked by his lawyer for speaking for the kids as in "heresay"...you probably already know that no parent can really speak for the children in court. If you stick with " I believe" and "this is what I see...." no one can strike that. Most of all, don't sweat it.  The opposing attorney was hired by an ass to be an ass (match made in heaven, I called it).  Focus on your child, and avoid expressing your former or present fear of him (unless there is documented abuse of course)....
Focus on what you want, and internally, how it feels to have what you want, and you will draw it to you.  Focus on the negative and you get more (I think I saw this in action in my case).  Life does not have to be hard.  You deserve it not to be anymore.
Another thing, in the "long run" that has helped me heal and let go is this: as much as I loathe my ex, and as rotten as a person I may think he is, he is my kids' dad.   They will have to have a relationship with him that is out of my influence. Accepting that has helped them and me a lot.  Because I can let that be, and have learned to be happier just myself, they are coming to a point where they will stand up to him and for themselves... important learning for them.
Good luck.......stay the course. You have amazing power (and a lot of angel wings!)

miaxo

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2005, 02:35:05 PM »
I wanted to thank everyone for the kind and encouraging words.  I will definitely use the visualization technique.

I know I can do this.  Sometimes I think the anxiety and anticipation beforehand causes me more distress than the actual day of reckoning.

Thanks for the links and I will keep you updated.  My attorney has advised me that it may not be resolved this week and that the judge may order more mediation or possibly psychological evals. Initially I felt that the evals would be a good thing b/c maybe he would reveal himself as a N but that probably wouldn't be the case since he is so delusional and believes in his false self.

Anyone have experience with N's and the psychological evaluation process?

Best wishes everyone!
Mia

bunny

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2005, 02:37:20 PM »
Here's a link to info about "The Parental Evaluation Process" (psych evals):

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/

bunny

mirror2

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2005, 09:34:50 PM »
Bunny,

I was looking at the web site referenced above, and I was taken aback to discover that it's geared toward getting fathers full custody.  It actually states, "When joint custody is not possible or workable, we often advocate for fathers as custodial parents. Statistics show that custodial fathers are the most likely to encourage a positive relationship between their children and the other parent and to raise happy, healthy children."

These all-encompassing statements are scary, especially when you have an ex-N father of your children lurking in the background and probably reading this web site for tips.  It reminds me again how difficult it is to keep the N at a safe distance from the kids.

Mir2

Philski

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2005, 09:54:58 PM »
Good luck next week.  Will send positive thoughts of light and love.  Stay true to yourself.  How do your kids feel about him?
Philski
De Nile ain't no river in Egypt...

miaxo

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court next week with Ex N
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2005, 10:22:45 PM »
Philski

My kids appear to have mixed feelings regarding their Dad.  My daughter is more consistent with not wanting to go and visit with him especially if it is overnight.  She is torn between wanting to love her Dad while not feeling bonded to him.  For the most part, x N targets her with his negative onslaughts and is much easier on my 4 yo son.  I think mostly b/c my 4 yo is still in awe of him whereas, my 7 yo has always had a *strong* personality and doesn't think twice about challenging her Father.
Don't get me wrong, she is a very respectful child but she is smart enough to realize her Dad isn't genuine.

Through all this, I always try to put on my "Happy face" and encourage them to go with Dad and tell them they have each other and will have fun during their visits. I do this b/c I know the courts will not take away his rights. However, this doesn't stop me from slowly building my case.  Patience is a virtue.

For the most part, my daughter just "gets through" her weekends with Dad while my son is beginning to complain ever so quietly...here and there.  I don't know if he is just following his sister's lead or if he is beginning to sense things aren't quite right on his own.  Only time will tell.

I do notice that when their Dad isn't around that they never ask for him and never want to call him.  Even when he arrives to pick them up they will stall and stall.  It's hard to *push* them out the door but I tell them that Daddy loves you in his own way.  Maybe I shouldn't be telling them that....maybe it would be better that I said nothing.  I don't know.

Tomorrow is court.  I will be strong for my children.  I am so hoping that tomorrow will bring resolution...at least for the time being.

Thanks for all the kindness.

Take care.