As some of you may have read, I described how I was dumped off on my religious/ritually abusive tormentative grandparents, who felt I was a child of the devil and beat me regularily.
Well, my mother was also raised by them, and she was horribly abused by them too. One incident I remember her describing to me, was she was taken into the parents bedroom, the mother sat on her and pinned her down, while the father beat her mercilessly with a belt with hooks on it, cutting her flesh, and bruising her. Afterwards, she described how she crawled into her dark closet and sat there curled up into a little ball, wringing her hands and sobbing uncontrollably, wishing for the death of her parents. She was abused on her parents marital bed, and to my grandparents, sex is shameful to the nth degree, and women must cover up their bodies in shame, because to even wear a skirt above the knee was a sinful act.
So much shame was infused into me also, I was so shamed and so afraid all the time that I grew up with a strongly developed sense of shame, when it comes to the act of sex, ashamed of my body, afraid it is too ugly a thing to show, and afraid to let myself completely trust another whom I love, and want desparately to have a completely open and shameless sex life with him. I don't want to carry around this shame anymore, it has outlived it's usefulness. Infact, it has never been useful, pshcyologically, I always felt dirty, unclean, unwashed, and so on. The pshycological scars run deep.
Does anyone know how to retrain yourself to not feel shame? I so depsarately want an open and loving relationship on all levels with the man that I love. I am afraid that some of my psychosis will affect us somehow. I know how deeply these feelings have been burned into my psyche, my heart, my enture being, my spirit.
Any help would be appreciated.
