Good morning everyone:
I think Mud was refering to the spelling "marital" vs "martial"
Mum, hahahahahaha. heeheehee.....how dense is that??? Marital Arts eh?
"We begin today class with the first lesson of marital arts. Always paint your partner as pleasing!!!"
Missed that completely as I am a real whiz speller, as you can see!!! Too funny! Thanks Mud and Mum. Gave me quite a laugh first thing this day!
Butterfly wrote:
I struggle a lot with guilt. I find that guilt paralyses me. It is a very toxic thing to have in ones thinking. Guilt literally holds a person back from moving forward with life, psychologically, personally speaking.
Absolutely for me too. But behind the guilt, there is always fear. Fear that I have done something really wrong, hurtful, inappropriate, that I am bad, that people won't like me anymore, that there's something wrong with me.....etc. Once I examine it further and realize that the guilt is being directed directly at me, from my own thinking, and that what I did, said, wasn't part of me but was a poor choice I made because I am not perfect......the guilt/fears begin to subside and the paralysis fades.
Guilt is a useful tool in that it teaches us how to behave properly, imo. But....it's usefulness is limited. Once it becomes paralyzing, or once it becomes the main/major emotion being felt toward self.......it is debilitating, imo.
I try to tell myself to examine why I feel guilty, when I really do things wrong and to let go of guilt that arises from what if's, what should have's and fears....and especially....at me. A great way to think of it, for me, is rather than saying:
"I feel guilty ......" is rather, "I regret that I did such and such..." These words, for me, give me less shame and seem to express more realistic, less beatmyselfuppish, more specific feeling about my action, rather than myself. Guilt can be so hard to pin down but regret just clarifies exactly what was done. Does that make any sense? It's hard to explain. Try it next time you're feeling guilty.....ask yourself what you are feeling guilty about, why, what exactly did you do, try to get away from thinking derogatory things about you....locate what you did...and then put it into a sentence......I regret that I blanked. Maybe it will help you too???
I'm with you on that. But, I would add that anger is only healthy if you don't feel guilty about what you were angry about.
Boy Butterfly, does this ring bells!!! These two combined make for a real tough cookie to crack. It's so confusing to feel guilty about feeling angry. I can relate in a big way. I would only add that often it's the guilt, not the anger, that stems from fear and is probably gone haywire and causing the biggest difficulty. Examine guilt carefully, imo, and reword it to fit the crime.
GFN wrote:
Quote:
Like the dork that tried to rob/attack me, in the deep depths of the dark subway station, late at night (where I should not have been alone ).....who was really looking quite terrified, after I let loose a little on him
Yeah, you sure showed him who was boss! Obviously, that lunatic was messing with the wrong person, didn't he. Good for you, GFN!
Thanks Butterfly. These experiences are very odd. Not at all what one would expect. I ran down to the platform and at the bottom of the stairs, in the dark subway station, this dimwit jumps infront of me, grabs my jacket at chest level, shoves a knife in my face and says: "Give me your money or you'll die!!", in a menacing tone with a facial expression from hell!!
Can you imagine the complete and utter massive extent of the fear??
I can still feel it, if I think about it for awhile! But, even though I was not very highly trained, or much skilled in my art, and very young, my mind and body reacted as I had been taught, and I broke his hold in a split second, backing away and roaring, like a wild, crazed animal!! Spittle flying!! Inside I told myself "Ignor the fear, use the anger" and outside, I let loose the most horrific stream of swear words entangled in logical, assertive direction ever known to humankind --telling him exactly what I was going to do to him if he took one step toward me, that I was a deadly weapon, that he was the one going to die if he had the guts......come on to mamma......let's tango......calling him names I didn't know I knew.....(the only other time I ever remember swearing like that was much later, at the moment I was giving birth to my third child and a long list of disgusting curses escaped my lips, when I immediately covered my mouth with my hand, in complete shock and embarrassment of myself....and a whole room full of medical staff...burst into laughter and said......"It's ok...we've heard worse!!").
Anyway, inside.....I was shaking like a leaf but outside....I would be appalled to see what I looked like.....but it did scare the sob away, and I kept telling myself that the train would be there in only a minute or two and all I had to do was keep this creep at bay a little longer. Soon the train came, I stepped backward into it, still screaming, the doors shut and the poor people on that train witnessed a very young, angry, terrified, girl spewing much of the pain from childhood at the glass doors of a subway car. Nobody looked me in the eye, once I sat down and tried to breathe. Nobody showed any sign of anything but fear. I thought:
"Holey Moley! Did I do that?? Never would of thought I had it in me."
And I have to tell you that that doe doe bird did me a big favour! I felt so much lighter, after that experiece, so much more sure that I could do it again, if I had to. I felt much relieved of my anger, and that I had let it go it an appropriate moment. I felt sure that that poor, pathetic man, who slinked away, looking terrified, might think twice about attacking people in future and so I had done a good thing for him. I felt good about myself and prayed for the poor b#$%^&fd that he had learned something important and that he would change his behaviour and find something good and useful to do with his life, rather than risk it.....by accosting seemingly innocent, weak, young females in dark subway stations at night.
I wasn't as afraid of scary looking people after that and I didn't take stupid risks, like I had done by being there in the first place. I learned so much in a few minutes and it took a great hold.
So 2cents......I left out a biggie......the other feeling that you have acknowledged is probably the biggest feeling going......and it's one that we all feel, at one time or other, one that can freeze us into place, or be...
Ignored.You have acknowledged your fear and that is a very big step! Good for you! It takes courage to say "I'm afraid". It's much easier to stay frozen and just feel it than it is to admit, express, release it.
I get what you're saying about anger and fear and letting things out appropriately. All I'm trying to say is that some people - myself included - don't know HOW.
A little at a time, 2cents. You can always work your way up to a major discharge at some later point. For now......how about just a little??
Of course the little me was angry...
What else, 2cents?? What other feeling is there with the anger, beneath the anger?
I'm so sorry that your mother died. How awful for you!! Poor little girl with no mommy! ((((((((((2cents))))))))). There are no real words for such hurt!
My aunt died at a very young age. My cousin was 11. I remember his torment. He banged his head against the wall all day, pounding it with his fists, crying and agonizing. Such despair!! I sat with him, watching him, telling him to let it out, that is was ok. I was 11 too. I didn't know how to soothe him. There is no soothing such pain, is there???
Hurt.....despair.....deep, deep sadness. Isn't that what's buried beneath that anger 2cents. Did you mourn your mother's death? Were you allowed to?
Most people tell me - get over it, it happened so long ago...
The only way to get over it is to get through it, as Mum says. If you've not grieved this huge, giant loss........no wonder it's so hard to put it on a shelf in your head. Maybe it would help you to really go there and release it. A little at a time, if need be. Pound a pillow, (not bang your head on the wall --my cousin's head is made of rock so it didn't harm him...heehee but the average person may do actual damage by such action).
Scream and see what other feelings come out.
Remember how you felt when your mother was gone.
You won't die from this. You won't go nuts. It needs to come out.
re the comments here you wrote:
I'm glad, cause it makes me mad, it makes me cry, and I express myself. See? And nobody suffers any lasting damage.
What great news 2cents!! I'm so glad too! Crying is a release. And you are expressing yourself, keep doing that!! We are here with you. You don't have to be afraid any longer. It's safe to feel what's in there.
This person was very controlling and jealous and possessive, and would use any excuse to make other people feel REALLY BAD.
It's good that you're talking about this experience. I'm so glad you got away!! Good for you 2cents!!
I do have a really hard time with guilt in general.
What did you do that was really so very wrong and hurtful?
What would you do differently, if you had the chance again?
What do you regret?
Well.......looks like another record long post. Hope ya'll have access to a good cuppa java!!
Enjoy today all!!
GFN
