"aloneness" after distancing from Nparent and fami

[cal12]

My father is deceased and Nmother too toxic to be around.  I'm married with a wonderfully supportive spouse...but have an existential lonliness that I cannot explain.. after growing up in such an emotionally unhealthy family, I wonder is anyone else feeling this?  I am afraid to express this lonliness to anyone...for fear of being "exposed" and vulnerable and ultimately evaluated.  My Nmother always said my feelings were "being too sensitive".  My spouse understands, but did not have the same Nparent experience.  We spend all time, (holidays, etc.) with his family because mine is so unhealthy.  I feel very alone... it feels as though I don't belong anywhere.... no "tribe" to call my own. Does anyone else feel this?  Does it get easier? More difficult?  Would welcome information in how others may cope.

[longtire]

cal12,
I am really resonating with the longing in your post.  You are not alone, there are many caring and supportive people on this board.  I realize that doesn't always help to feel better from the "aloneness" feeling.  I have felt cutoff from people and lonely for a long time, and recently began to take chances by posting here.  I feel clumsy at it a lot of times, but I'm learning.  Keep posting and I believe you will find there really are other people out there who feel the same way you do.

I coped with feeling alone in a lot of unhealthy ways.  I wouldn't recommend them based on my experience.  Now, I try to welcome the feeling in (hard) and truly feel it (hard) and be curious about what it means about me (easier), where it came from (hard), and what I need to change in my life to meet that need or heal that wound (hard).  Once I've gone "through" the problem, it is no longer a problem for me.  Have you ever gone to therapy?  A good therapist can help you to find and address the source of all these feelings that keep coming up.

[mum]

Here's a really "out there" theory for you that may be way off track:
  If you are extremely sensitive, perhaps even clairsentient, you may not only be feeling your feelings, but other people's feelings as well.  In my opinion, it happens all the time. There is a great deal of pain and loneliness on this planet..and certainly not always admitted to and dealt with by it's "owners" (N's are a glaring example).

As a child I was so sensitive, I would have physical pain in the palms of my hands everytime I felt hurt (which was a lot)..luckily, I had a warm, loving family to trust.  I am still extremely sensitive and used to be told to "get a thicker skin", especially by my ex N  who loved to "tease" me into crying and then call me a baby.  (EX!).

I realize now that many times I just pick up on other people's pain and sometimes they just plain GIVE it to me.  I know now how to take care of myself, how to clear any energy out of my body that is not mine.  Being able to do this has changed my life.  Life is challenging enough for sensitive souls, just with our own stuff, never mind the sponge like way we pick up on energy around us.  It is possible to stay sensitive and empathetic (wonderful qualities) without carrying around the pain all the time.

You are fortunate to have a caring, understanding husband.  Could you let his family be yours?  I know it's not the same, but if you are better able to take care of yourself around them than with your own family, focus on how that is a plus.  Bless you.

[longtire]

cal12, I agree with mum that you seem very sensitive.  I feel that way myself, sorry I neglected to put that in my previous post.  I recently found out about Highly Sensitive Person.  It makes sense to me that some people respond more strongly to certain stimuli than others.  I feel very tuned into peoples moods, now that I am not suppressing my awareness of everything to defend myself.  Here are a couple of links you might want to check out.  I bought the book, but haven't read it yet, so I can't really go into much more detail right now.

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard.cfm?id=319094

http://www.hsperson.com/

I realize now that many times I just pick up on other people's pain and sometimes they just plain GIVE it to me.  I know now how to take care of myself, how to clear any energy out of my body that is not mine.  Being able to do this has changed my life.  Life is challenging enough for sensitive souls, just with our own stuff, never mind the sponge like way we pick up on energy around us.  It is possible to stay sensitive and empathetic (wonderful qualities) without carrying around the pain all the time.

mum, do tell!  I am very interested in hearing how you cleanse that negative energy out.  I basically just wait and let it drain out slowly.

[mum]

longtire:  It may help you to know, I am not very "granola", I shave my armpits and although I'm a vegetarian, I also eat junk food.  I am fairly pedestrian, if a bit left wing....just letting you know that I'm pretty down to earth.  I just have learned a few things that make sense to me.

I have a wonderful mentor in this, but I don't think it's a big mystery.  It helped me to develop an understanding of the concept of energy chakras. (I am in kindergarten here, but hey, isn't kindergarten fun????)   Look up chakras on the web, perhaps.  Breathe magazine had a great, simple graphic chart, I think last month (lent it out, so I'm not sure).   I have found a lot of references to this in many books, but I would have a hard time sending you to one book. Maybe finding "energy healing" on the web...but frankly, I have yet to find stuff there that doesn't sound like snakeoil sales.  I have been studying Buddhist philosophy, and a lot of that applies, but energy healing is probably the best description.  There was a film a while back that has some fascinating theories expressed along these lines, although I was just given a review that completely tore it apart....whatever: it's called "what the bleep do we know".  A lot of that dovetails with what I have learned and it's just plain interesting.  Don't think it's on video yet.
I think if I tried to explain it to you I would cannibalize it, so it's probably best for you to look for yourself.  And in my opinion, the way energy works, it will come to you if you intend for it to.
I did a lot of work to get me to a point where I was able to accept my part in creating my life...that's an understanding I think someone probably needs to have at the base of all of this.  It's all about personal choice and power and possibility. My core values and beliefs needed to be addressed first before I could see anything else about my life.

[Naomi]

Hi Cal12. These feelings of loneliness must bge natural, especially for us "sensitives". When we love, we love deep. When we lose someone in our family, we have great spiritual pain. I am still learning abgout this myself. Why do we feel so much pain from separating from a loved one, that only hurt and hurt us before? Why do we stay in the relationship, why do we forgive when they don't even know or care that they need forgiving, and we deserve to be able to have them say, "I know I was like this", and "I did this to you", where they acknowledge the pain they have put you through and honestly try and want desparately for you to forgive them?

I know very well the pain of losing a member of your family to narcissism, selfishness and greed. A general disregard for how deeply your heart has been wounded by them. All I know is, for some reason I have always kept forgiving them, inside, and it is a painful process, because, I really do love them, even though they hurt me so badly. SO BADLY.

How is it that I can keep repeating this dance of forgiveness....and it wears me down more and more everytime I give into them and want them back in my life...while dreading the very thought that they will likely hurt me again. So why do I keep on going back to them, the ones who hurt me? Because sometimes the loneliness has been too great...too high a price to pay...too much loss to cope with. I understand that they were deprived and abused when they were growing up too....and I am always holding out hope that they will one day change and we could have a healthy and happy relationship where I don't have to live in abject fear of them hurting me again...that one day we will all be free of this...that one day we will all somehow come full circle and mend together.

I wish I understood this dilemma better, but I am still learning even though I am in my 40's. I'm STILL trying my best to forgive them. I know how lonely I am without them, yet part of me is stronger and one step closer to being able to separate from them without feeling that devastation.

[mum]

Cal12, Naomi:
Attachment equals suffering.  It explains everything at it's essence. Shocking yet freeing, but not always easy to wrap my brain around.  
Attachment to what could have been, attachment to what might someday be...all attachments to what is not NOW.  
Great song lyric, (by Frou Frou): "let go, let go...there is beauty in the breakdown"...

[Anonymous]

Dear Cal:

I too have experienced/experiencing the "aloneness" factor of a dysfunctional family.  You would like so much to have the same warmth, caring attitude that is exhibited in your husband's family.  I know what it means to have that "longing".  Someone, somewhere stated what is home?  Home is that "soft place where one can land and feel comforted from the world".  So true.  In my case and yours, there is "no soft place" save only the one we make for ourselves.  I  have had the invisible, longing experience for about 50 years.  It has been only through a lot of soul searching on my part that I realize that letting go of what we long for is the only way.  It is a matter of loving yourself, being kind to yourself, not being hard on yourself.  I look at my life and say, ok where was I 5 years ago as opposed to right now. I can tell you I have come a long way.

I no longer feel the need to call my family every  holiday, to go see them, to call them to see how they are doing.  I really do not need their approval.  Continually trying to pursue that "soft place" in their heart.  It does not exist.  Caring, love, all those things we see in other families, if you exam it closely is mutual.  It is not a one way street.  There is no score keeping.  This is what I would like to have.......but I don't.  If you have no expectations, then you are no longer disappointed.  Fill your life with helping others who really need the help, want the help and love you back.  This is where I find the "soft place" to land.  Much love, Patz

[serena]

I often think that children of N parents are very sensitive individuals.  They are almost the opposite i.e. more compassionate and empathic than 'normal' people.  I think this is where the loneliness stems from.  On some subconscious level, we KNOW what good parenting is all about.  I've often thought of it as having a 'cardboard cutout' mother but without any of the nurturing emotions flowing from her.  Whereas she is 'physically' there, she is not emotionally available.  We know this and mourn it all our lives...

[Samantha!]

I think if we have made it that way to sperate from our family of origing and build our very own family, with kids, husband, friends animals, we have found a place where we belong.

Samantha

[joannwllc]

Hi,

I think I understand your lonliness.  I was an only child of a very difficult woman, probably a Narcissist.  My dad died a few years ago.  My feelings for my mother were always ambevalent.  It was the love/hate thing.  It is hard to be away from family.  It is even harder to break-away from a dysfunctional family.  It takes time and practice.

I finally chose distance from my mother because, being who she is, getting close always meant getting hurt.  I am getting older myself and just don't want to experience the pain any longer.  I focus on my children and grandchildren.

Good luck to you, take care, Jo

[voiceless guest]

I have the experience of being "over" sensitive and have found it disruptive to my life.  For many years I tried to discern the origins of my sensitivity as it led to, among other results,  horrendous experiences of depression.  Recently, after reading several books and articles about the brain, I have come to believe that my sensitivity may be a product of my brain function. I find this helpful.

[sleepyhead]

Cal: I know the loneliness you are talking about, I too had it for many years, but it is starting to disappear now. Part of it has been coming to this board, knowing that I'm not alone in my experiences, knowing that others have had similar (and in some cases practically identical) experiences, and can actually understand me. Another big part in healing the loneliness has being accpting it. I know now that my mother will never love me, I will never get the acceptance from her that I need. This has helped me to finally begin to let go of the pain. I'm not saying this is the way for you, after all we are all different, but I hope I've been able to help, otherwise I'm sure someone else on this board will. Take care!

[longtire]

The loneliness I got from gowing up in a family where there was no emotional closeness and no belonging (attachment/bonding?) has been driving most of the issues I have.  I never had a place to go where I am unconditionally accepted and loved.  I don't have a stable "base of operations" that I can go back to to find security.  I didn't have a chance to experience or internalize this and keep looking for this in my life.  I stayed in a very unhealthy marriage for a long time, and still can't seem to leave.  Any "place," even a bad place is better than none at all.

This seems like one of those "childhood experience" kind of things that is not appropriate to look for in other adult relationships.  Don't work your issues with your mother out through your spouse.  That kind of thing.  So how do I deal with this at this point in my life?  If it was not important it would have gone away or been replaced by now.  How do I go about finding/building this in myself?  What have you done to get this for yourself?  What have you done to find or build a "place" for yourself.

[nightsong]

This thread means a lot to me, thanks to everyone who has posted.

I also am the only child of a N mother and deceased (also N) father. It's Easter, and I haven't called my mother. I just can't take the criticism at the moment. But I feel so guilty. I have a loving partner, who had a similarly lousy chidlhood and is also not in contact with his parents, but at least they have each other and his sisters. My mother is all alone. And I know that's not my fault or my responsibility, but it sure feels like it at times.

The existential loneliness comes I am sure, as others have said, from that lack of a secure base when we were little. Children need to be loved by their parents to feel safe in the world. We moved around a lot when I was small so there is nowhere that feels like home to me as well as no people who are my family apart from my partner and children. And even there, though I have tried so hard, I know I haven't succeeded in creating the sort of solid base for them that I would have wanted. It's much better than I had, but still ... how was I to know how to do that for them? When my children were little I didn't realise how damaged I was and I damaged them in turn. And so the cycle goes on.

It's four in the morning, so a special hello to any insomniacs out there -  and my love to all of you who feel lonely in the world. It helps that you people share that here, thank you all.