I am new to this site, but finally needed to have a better understanding of the n personality that my therapist kept referring to. I was married for 22 years to a man that I believed was kind, good-hearted, a good father and husband, took his vows to the core of his soul and loved me. 18 months ago I found out that he completely had me and virtually everyone else in his life fooled. I found out he was having an affair with a married woman (although he lied to the therapist and I and said she was already out of her marriage. He also lied and said they had not been sexual), had been lying to me for at least 15 years about his disinterest in intimacy, saying he had a low sex drive, meds affected it, he was too tired, etc., etc. When he broke the news that he was leaving the marriage, he also admitted to having a very strong interest in pornography and would masturbate rather than be intimate with me. He reluctantly agreed to counselling for six weeks, but ultimately walked out of a joint session, drove home and put clothes in the car, said good-bye to his daughter and left. That was 16 months ago and we are still working through the divorce with no real end in site. We have virtually no contact with each other at all.
After his hasty departure, I discovered 20-30 pornographic videos, dvd's, books, and toys hidden in his closet and drawers and that was supposedly after he had done a major purge. I had hundreds of pornographic websites recovered that he had erased before leaving. I had 40 viruses on my computer from those website visits. I have intercepted credit card statements showing his purchase of hundreds of dollars of Victoria's secret underwear for his married girlfriend. My therapist constantly has to remind me that now that he has no one around to monitor his behavior, that he could be sinking very deep into his addiction.
I have continued in therapy weekly with the man we saw as a couple. Thank God for Scott as he has saved my life. He spent 13 hours counseling my husband--6 alone and 7 together. Scott was the one to explain that my husband is an n and one of the worst cases he has ever encountered, and therefore is incapable of feeling badly about anything he has done, either in the past or present. It has taken me so long to come to terms with realizing that he was so not the man I thought he was. I have had so much anger bubbling inside of me that I cannot release because he will not have any contact with me. I know it is wasted energy to get angry with him anyway, but I keep thinking it will make me feel better.
We have two children, a son who is 20 and a sophomore in college and a 16-year-old daughter who is a junior in high school. Fortunately they are old enough to make their own decisions about how they feel about their father, what he has done and how much time they want to spend with him. Unfortunately, he went through a major cleansing process when he first decided to break the news to us and told his son all about his interest in pornography and masturbation. He left out the part where he denied me intimacy, leaving my son with the impression that I was the one denying his father. I had to correct his impression so he could truly understand what I was dealing with. That child will definitely need some serious therapy someday. He would have told his daughter too, but I stepped in and stopped him. Someday I will tell her the truth, but she is not ready yet. He sees her for an hour or so on Tuesday evenings and she is suppose to spend every other Saturday night with him. Lately, she is choosing to go over there later and later and come home earlier on Sunday. I worry about what he could expose her to since he has lost all sense of decency or morality (or the impression that he had that), but at least she has her own car and the ability to leave there if she is uncomfortable. Amazingly, both kids are managing the whole thing pretty well so far with no recognizable signs of problems. I have worked very hard to remain as stable as possible for them despite my pain and devastation.
I think that reading many of the entries on this website has helped me to see the futility of my continued anger and need to get back at him in some fashion. I like to think that someday he will regret the way he has checked out of his children's lives and the way he treated me, but I know that will never happen and there really is no way for me to hurt him back.
I am having to learn about a whole new world of sex addiction, n behavior, lack of empathy, and what it feels like to hit bottom and try to crawl back up. My children are my light and my therapist is my strength and hope. I really have no family and just had to deal with the death of my mother on top of the divorce. I think that has been a major setback in my healing process, in large part because of the way my husband chose to handle it. Instead of calling or even sending a card, he sent a typed letter which mainly dealt with how hard it was for him to have to write the letter, but he felt he must, yadda, yadda. I once again allowed this to hurt me since I thought he could at least show some sympathy at the loss of my mother. My therapist has to remind me that he CAN'T do that and I must stop allowing these events to get to me.
I look forward to the divorce being complete, but my n husband and his n father are in business together and hiding and lying about assets and income. Fortunately, I have hired one of the best divorce attorneys in town, who has hired a forensic accountant to try to stay on top of it all.
For those of you who are further along in the process, can you ever develop trust again? I was always a very trusting person and now feel like that innocence has been taken away and I question everyone and everything.
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