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The Secret

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Anonymous:
I was having a lovely afternoon with my son today.  When I got home my daughter  gave me the message that my sister had called and needed to talk to me asap.  My sister is 64, I am 51 and our mother is 88.  I live in Canada, 600 miles from my mother and my sister lives in the U.S.  My daughter 18 and I are planning a trip to visit my sister and she asked that we not tell my Nmother who gets very upset when she hears that someone is visiting anyone but her.  I agreed to the "secret".  Then last week my niece who lives in the same town as my mother, phoned to say she was coming here on a business trip and wanted to stay over the weekend.  I told her we were going to be away but that we hadn't told "mother".  I assumed that would mean she wouldn't report this back - anyway the story unfolded so that our other sister, 70, heard about the 'clandestine' trip and immediately called my 64 year old sister and invited herself to come along!

Confused

This takes us to the phone call today from my 64 year old sis.  She's in a fury that this has 'gotten out' and had called my niece and chastised her for telling someone who would pas this one, etc.  As if this isn't crazy enough she asks her to think about the damage she has done, yadda yadda....

I called Nmother and told her about the visit we had planned then called my niece and checked to make sure she hadn't been too undone by the drama my sister laid on her!

Now, here's the thing.  I'm feeling guilty for telling my niece about this trip instead of being pi**ed off with my sister for asking me to keep the secret!  I know that my mother goes into a N-rage about these visits and generally I don't care.  This time I let myself be talked into the 'secret' because my sis (who I think is more narcissistic than I thought) convinced me that mother takes this out on her more than anyone else in the family (that special thing, turned backwards) How did I get to feeling like this is my fault??

rosencrantz:
1.  If you don't want to keep a secret, don't say you will.

2.  If you agree to keep a secret, don't tell.

R

Anonymous:
most unhelpful

Nic:
Hi guest,
Quite a predicament indeed.  May I just point out that the spectrum ( broad as it is!) of dysfunction and conflict is dependent on just the ingredients you outlined in your post here.
Rosencrantz's answer to you seems to point out that when you chose to play the "secrets" game you end up with just the results you expressed in your post.
Look at how your Nmother has programmed you and your sibblings to bounce things connected to her off one another, divisions are created etc., all this activity is in orbit around N mother's supply needs.

In my family for instance the battle is lost, I have one brother who is very N now and we can no longer have a relationship.  He could not ( notice I didn't say would not) understand my parents' behaviours toward me when my conflict with them began.  My mother especially has chastised him, ignored him, batterred him emotionally and declared him the " bad guy" many years ago.  When I rebelled ( at age 40 thank you very much!), rather than understanding me, my brother fell for my mother's exchanging me ,as a source of N supply, for him.  Consequently, he is who I was before and I have broken free of the whole N system within my family.
Rosencrantz's reply, at least the way I received it, is a synthesis of your post with an answer.  If you decide to play the N game with all its twists and deceptions, you will perpetually find yourself aghast after every incident like the one you mention,feeling emptied and wondering " What the hell just happened...again!".  If you have a good relationship with your sibblings and can approach the problem with a united front ( oh how I wish it could have been like that for me!) as a group you could understand your Nmother's disease and save yourselves a lot of grief.
It's about making choices and following through and yes it's scary. It's about being honest and having resolve.
It's about being fair, and I think R was being fair with you by not validating your feelings of guilt. Because the problem is not your guilt at not keeping the secret, it's the "secret" itself.
Keep in mind that I realise you've been through alot having an N mother, having been there myself..i've had my own little jolts now and then where I've had to swallow it and fall down, get up and start again.
Having a voice is wonderful, it's a beautiful gift to give oneself, it is also a gift we can give to others.
Best wishes,
Nic.

Anonymous:
Thank you for a thoughful response. I realise that I felt quite shamed by the first response and although I found myself reacting to your defense of the first response, I did feel heard by you and appreciated your insight.  Thanks again.  I think I may need more help with my sister than my mother.

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