Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

The Secret

<< < (2/3) > >>

CC:
Dear Guest,

Rosencrantz has a wonderful, refreshing albiet sometimes uncomfortable way of snapping us out of it.  She has done this to me and it is very effective.  Initially, it is uncomfortable but she is usually right on.  She tells it like it is.

Yes, you did feel shame.  She pointed out what you were already feeling.. and that is very difficult for us as children of Ns to handle.  All that comes to mind is the expression... 'OH, what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to deceive"..

I think you have answered your own question.  It is your sister you have the issue with on this, not your Nmother.  It sounds like you have already dealt with your feelings about your mom.  Now your sister is putting you in a bad position.  In the future (this probably doesn't help you now) but you could say to her, "I appreciate that you don't want to see mom, but it puts me in a very uncomfortable situation and I can't promise that I will be able to hide it from her.  Perhaps you can find another way to deal with it."  

As for the immediate situation, perhaps you could call her and apologize for telling her secret to your niece (you did break the "promise", after all..) and tell her that it may have been your conscience that caused you to slip because you weren't comfortable with the secret to begin with.. and that you weren't clear that it should be hidden from all family members (not just Nmom)..and you would appreciate it if she would not put you in that position again.  This way you are taking responsibility but also letting her know your feelings to avoid this in the future.

You are feeling like this is all your fault because you probably knew this when you initially agreed to the "secret".  Thats okay, it was probably a familiar, habitual defense mechanism.  Didn't want to disappoint anyone, did you?  In your attempt to please others (to get approval we didn't get from Nmom) you shot yourself in the foot.  You were not acting out of your true self.  You will know next time.

rosencrantz:
You are anonymous here, Guest, so nobody knows who you are and so you need not feel shame about what is written.  

Yet, shame is good!

I know from my own 'journey' from the hell of being ACON that if you can feel your shame and recognise it for what it is then you are well on your way out of the chains that bind.  You'll discover your own narcissism and then a clear path out of the wood - if you choose to take it.  But there's a lot of 'owning up' and taking responsibility for your own contribution to the confusion in between.  You'll need to be strong!

I do not have siblings - but my mother had a sister (exactly like her) with four children.  I've seen and experienced the way they learnt to play each other off against each other...the mother allowed each child to relate only to her and she then orchestrated the relationships each was allowed to have with the other.  And narcissistic families always have  scapegoats.

And that's the story of your family, too.


--- Quote ---My sis (who I think is more narcissistic than I thought) convinced me that mother takes this out on her more than anyone else in the family...
--- End quote ---

There is no reason to believe that what she recounts as her experience is inaccurate and there's nothing in your description that suggests she is narcissistic - her perception may be true or she may be more sensitised to your mother.  Does she not live much nearer, too?  So she's easier for your mother to get at?  You say that you live 600 miles away and 'don't care' about the rages your mother gets into.  Your sister does - why not respect that?  Why not (perish the thought!) help her and support her if she does?  (Because...see paragraphs above!)

For what it's worth, I think your sister was wrong to take it out on your niece (her daughter, I assume) - you were the one she really had the argument with but she chose an option which felt safer (it's called 'kicking the cat')!  :wink:  (Why could she not challenge you? What is she afraid of?)

But you were wrong to then 'tell' your mother rather than talking through with your sister the best way of handling it together.  Seems to me you dumped your sister right in it!  And then with your very next action, you chose to come between sister and daughter.  

Once you understand your family dynamic, you will understand that you are only doing exactly what your mother taught you to do : divide and rule.

You could (instead) help bring family members closer together eg support your sister in sorting out the fears that she's currently taking out on her daughter so that their relationship can get better.  It's hard to want to bring people together when you've been rewarded for tearing them apart and experienced the 'being torn apart' yourself.  (I know!)

I will hold up my hand to the fact that your post pressed buttons for me.  I felt outraged on behalf of your sister.  I identified with her. She appears to have taken the role of family scapegoat and I fear she's in much deeper psychological trouble than anyone else in your family.  It often happens for middle siblings, even in fairly healthy families.

I am so glad I didn't have siblings.  I'd probably never have escaped intact.  It's tough enough trying to untangle things between mother, father and daughter, much more complicated to work out what's going on when there are more people involved.

But if you can take responsibility for your own role in all that confusion (eg honour a request you agree to or just say 'no' or just don't visit) then there's a good chance of things getting much better for everyone.  

Because you 'don't care' you may be strong enough to be the one to lead the others out of it.  (But you may find that you care very much indeed - and that will be a time when I will be here to give you the biggest hug of your life! 8)  I didn't care either, but spent one afternoon of my recovery sobbing 'Of course, I care, of course I b***** care!')

You asked for opinion.  I have been honest with you.  It was not my intention to shame.  Your shame came out of your acknowledgement of the truth.  I read somewhere recently : the truth will set you free.

Good luck.  We all need to know that people are rooting for us to have a healthy outcome.  And that's what you'll find here on this board.  :)
R

Anonymous:
It should have occured to me that you were reacting from your own pain when you posted your response.  I'm so conditioned to take responsibility for everything that I forget that sometimes people's reactions have much less to do with me than them.  Having said that I appreciate your honestly and your insights.  As I've struggled with my own response to these posts, a couple of things have occured to me.  I've allowed myself to become an ally in a "struggle" that is not primarily mine.  From as long back as I can remember, my sister impressed upon me that she would save me from the family "dysfunctions" all I had to do was be loyal to her.

Somewhere in my foggy youth I rebelled - without a voice.  I didn't want to be obliged to her for "saving my life" when I didn't feel saved at all.  My father was still sexually inappropriate and my mother still blamed me for everything that upset her world.  My sister would come home (she was away at college) and tell me how lucky I was to have her supporting me and I'd feel awful because I felt awful!  

So in a way, you were right.  I am the weak link here.  I've never had the courage to tell her that I felt more abused by her than anyone - somehow I was going to be the mark of her existence - the one she saved when she couldn't save herself.  

It may be that our mother is more cruel with her than the rest of us, I don't know that.  What I do know is that having participated in this last "secret meeting" has exposed much of my own despair and feeling of being "trapped in the mirror" as Elan Golomb puts it.

The username "guest" is as good as any for me.  It helps me feel safe when I'm not certain that this is a safe place.

rosencrantz:
Well, great big hugs and welcome!  This is sometimes a working place and sometimes a resting place - use it as you need.  :)

What a complicated time you've had. It's so difficult to see reality through the confusion that's sown by our dysfunctional families.
Sometimes it's also difficult to be clear about what we need and want and to express it clearly so that others can respond.

I wonder if you really mean that your sister abused you more than your mother or father?  Perhaps (may I share my thought?) you are so angry with her for not doing what you felt she promised - and that was to save you - really and truly save you eg by taking you away or making your parents act differently.  Instead she left you there to suffer.  She gave you hope but then dashed it.

And yet from your adult perspective, you'll know that a sister at college could do little more than try to share the truth with you.  She couldn't physically take you away.  Or could she?  I wonder in what way she thought she was saving you...

I think that finding a voice means finding the truth - your own truth - and then a greater truth.  (When you finally reach into your own reality, you'll find that things somehow moved on without you and you have to spend time catching up with yourself!)  

This is a good place to experiment with telling the truth, sharing truths -  different versions and accounts of your life - until you 'catch up with yourself' - and then you'll have really found your voice - and then you'll feel really strong and safe.  But there is a lot of pain and despair to feel in between time.   Being challenged to 'look again' is painful - but it's jolly useful!  :wink:

Be our Guest (as you say) - but why not be a special Guest???

Take care
R

Discounted Girl:
Ah, Rosencrantz, as usual my feelings are validated by your posts. Secrets, shhhhh, secrets, whispers, wimpers and sobs in the dark -- they haunt me and I shall never participate in them again. Keeping the secrets allow the cruel games to go on and I shall never turn my back and pretend again. But I didn't know all this before.

Guest, you have happened upon a wonderful resource here and a marvelous place in which to rest and unload. That's how I feel. I read these posts and I look to see if my name is at the bottom -- truly amazed at the similar experiences -- more amazed at the insights and the bounty of knowledge.

Playing siblings against each other -- yes, indeed. That is perhaps the cruelest Ntrait of all. To take your babies and destroy their natural love for each other.  That my mother never loved me is the hardest truth I have ever had to accept. That she secretly told lies to my brother until he believed them is the next hardest. It goes against nature --- it's the reverse of the way it is supposed to be -- like EVIL is LIVE in reverse. While sorrow still lives in my heart and I still mourn for what I never had, I do feel relief in knowing she can never use me as her pawn again.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page