intimacy after narcissism

[write]

I guess like before I'm working stuff out on here, sort-of therapy ( I know Richard won't mind )

It is SO hard to have gotten to almost 40 and not have had what it feels like almost everyone else has: years of holding hands, feeling special sometimes and at least regular if not fantastic sex; good memories of birthdays, christmases, holidays, activities; no stress or pain, at least for periods of time.

I can't think of a single thing which hasn't been tainted first from my abusive childhood, then my abusive marriages. It's like two and a half decades have been lost in some way, all my young years.

And whilst I can see the many positives that my life experiences have brought me: empathy, knowledge and experience, courage and several abilities- I need to mourn the life I wanted and didn't get.

And each new abusive man ( and my reaction to him ) who really touches a chord with me is attuned to that- pretence for a while that he can give me what years of disappointment and frustration have taken away.

I can't tell you how cathartic it was to type that, I've been struggling to come to some kind of recognition for months.

Remember the Wendy Cope I posted several times before:

Defining the problem

I can't forgive you. Even if I could,

You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you

And yet I cannot cure myself of love

For what I thought you were before I knew you.

*****

I may have moved on but there's still part of me doing this, hoping to cure the past with something from the present.

[Blue Topaz]

I am so afraid of my own shadow now because I feel like women will freak on me about insecurities that I am unaware of. I just dont understand why telling somebody they look nice when you walk into a room can be upsetting. I dont understand how watching television and talking about the scene without any sexual conotation can upset a woman so bad.

I have had relationships before

BK,

Related to your first quote above, I was going to say that even if you’ve experienced other problems with other women, you might be able to see that they were not the same problems as with your ex.  In other words, telling 90 something percent of women they look nice, or making benign conversation about a tv. scene will not cause problems (quite the contrary for the 2nd).  Point is, you don’t have to fear most of the specific same kinds of things happening again across the board with women.

But as far as just generally attracting more healthy relationships, nobody will get to be “perfect” but it comes down to getting fairly healthy emotionally inside yourself first.   I am working on that one now, too.  Then you will see a huge change in how the women you meet communicate with you and act with you.

Nothing will have happened with "women", it will just be that you will be attracting different kinds of people because you will have become a little different, too.   We all could use to heal & grow in these ways.  I think it's just a natural part of being human.  

Know that healthy minded women will show compassion regarding any insecurities you might have, and want to be your partner in your self growth.  They will be very happy your shared your fears with them.   And more healthy minded women will not act out their own insecurities in devastating and  pathological ways.  

why does this doctor get what claimed to love me. Will she freak out again or was it me that caused this?

Bingo.  If she genuinely has a personality disorder such as NPD or BPD, there is no doubt that she will “freak out” again with the new guy.   Personality disorders are created within the host person and acted out on their partners.  They aren’t caused by their partners.  

If she has one of  these disorders, her state of being came into place long before she met you, and will remain long after now.  Pretty sad for her, actually.

It must be painful to actually have to see her.  I didn't know you were where you could easily run into her.  You know, I also felt that I wanted to marry my xN, so I can understand how strongly you feel.   I've never been married and I'd never felt that way about anyone prior.   But I'm so glad it didn't work out that way

Can you imagine that level of  confusion, unbearable pain, instability, deception, & emotional loneliness for the rest of your life?  It would probably get worse with time, actually.

Also, actions that come out of these disorders don't always make sense (because it is disordered thinking after all) so it becomes pointless to do brain racking to understand a lot of the "whys".  Sometimes some aspects just need to get labelled under a broad "too toxic for me", and you move on from there.  

Take care,

BT

[write]

I just want to point out that if there is no way forward with a relationship, and nothing to be gained by reliving it and you do anyway, it's one of two things: and obsessive thing, or an 'I need therapy' thing.
If it's the latter and you're in America, you have better access to therapy than anywhere else in the world....

[bkkabri]

you read my conversation with her, does that sound like a woman or a ten year old kid?  this is the woman who said I love you so much.  I never been married or engaged,  I saw her with her indian doctor and she dies her hair black to look like him?  i have  a condition called delayed ejaculation which means I have a problem with orgasm in  a short period of time.  she hates me saying that I dont make her feel like a woman because I cant in five minutes.  its not premature or impotence.   I go a while and she tells me I am to blame because she doesnt feel like  a woman.  I explained my brain and my dad dripping blood on me and my not wanting to kill a woman.  I have been tested, its a problem with my brain.  she didnt care, she blamed her instead of being adult  now i lose her.  I love her.  its over, the indian wins because I cant speak about medicine.  fuck it, I wish I was dead.  she didnt want me, she used me like everyone else.  I pray every night that god has a heart and ends my pain.  take me instead of Scott.  he has a family..  Deena has a an idian who will worship her  better than me.  I was raised by a gay man, i dont know how to make a woman happey.  My dad taught me to be to be gay without being gay.  I am not gay, I just dont know how to treat a woman.  she wants to be with an idian and die her hair to look the part.  I hope I die.

[Anonymous]

you read my conversation with her, does that sound like a woman or a ten year old kid?

actually- *you* sounded like the ten yr. old kid. i don't want to be mean but this is very true. you need to somehow see that you need help. you also sound like you struggle with obsessive thinking disorder.

i don't know what anyone here can do for you more.you really do need the outside help and the best question i heard asked was **what will it take** in this life for you to stop thinking about this relationship and get help.

i don't know if you really did went to therapy.if you did and you didn't like it then find another one.

she asked you to never contact her again so what more so what can you do? if you bother her she can get a restraining order on you and you can make your life so much more worse than it is now.

get the help of a therapist or you can be in alot of trouble in the future and i fear for you.

And what areyou talking about your dad dripping blood on you and that you do not want to kill a woman?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the blood and the killing a woman is about aids[???] if you say your dad was gay? Did he have aids?

[mum]

Brian, Write took this over to another thread (with your username).  Please see that, ok?

[Brigid]

Write,
I loved the Wendy Cope quote.  It expresses just how I feel right now.  Is that the entire poem (or is it from something other than a poem)?  I would love to read more.

You expressed sadness at not having had what other people have had, i.e., holding hands, wonderful sex, etc.  Now that I know the truth of my husband and what he was hiding throughout our marriage, all those moments that did have sweetness, or apparent love are in question.  I look back with only one sure good result of the marriage--my two wonderful children.  

I, too, had a verbally abusive father who I am now sure was also an N.  My first husband was very much like my father.  My second husband appeared to be the opposite, but I now know was always just pretending to be something he clearly was not.  You do begin to see yourself as unworthy of anything better than that and will beg for any scraps of love you can get.  That is my challenge as I move forward.  I must make sure that I never again settle for scraps.  You deserve better than that, too.