I am convinced there are two different types of N in this regard. I am sure from what I have read that there are Ns who actually believe the bilge water they dispense. (...) . It is calculated and planned. And he absolutely knows there is something wrong with him. He is sane in that he knows right from wrong. He simply chooses to do evil things because that makes him feel better.
This is the question I kept asking myself concerning my parents and sisters about their sense of "consciousness". I remember N mother and N younger sis explicitly telling me when I came back to Paris, how they would "make me pay" (for having left France to go to the US). After I left these hellish 18 months living under the same roof, N Mother seriously asked me how I could manage to put up with them... So they were conscious before and after. I am not sure if you can still call it N. I am wondering if it was not sadistic behavior..
Quite differently, N Father would not admit the verbal and emotional violence he put me through during my teens. He would would just laugh embarrassed, saying how is life has always been difficult, etc...
Recognition of N behavior v. denial of it? Honnestly I dunno which one is worst.. One the one hand I think the former are inhuman (but at leeast it is validating for me), whereas the latter are very confusing (making me think I am crazy).
I could see the same pattern w/ different N xbf: some would consciously act as N, others did not seem to be fully aware of it. Maybe the difference is b/w N and antisocial/sociopaths. I dunno, I am still wondering which "type" (if there is such types) is the lesat bad...
I would feel the addictive feelings. When I was naive and unaware of relationship addiction, I thought this "meant" I should try to enter a relationship with him. That it was "love" and that I should try to "get" him for myself.
If I may say, this is the summary of my relationships w/ men... Now I want to get back to the dating scene, but I am scared to death. I could not reply to any posts of men on a dating board...
Now I can even flirt with a man like this because I've trained myself to have boundaries and be repelled on a certain level.
This is very encouraging. I hope one day I would be able to achieve that.
For now I read daily
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine. It does help but setting boundaries still seems a huge work to do for me. I feel overwhelmed, though I know I have made (some) progress.
I was wondering, bunny if you pls had some reference books about the subject of setting boundaries? thx
-RL