Narcltd,
You post really, really touches a nerve with me. I almost posted earlier, but wanted to give myself more time to consider before replying.
I was raised in a house where my father was invisilbe even when he was there. My mother seemed angry and looking for an excuse to punish or demean most of the time. Nobody ever talked about their feelings. When I tried, I either got back total disinterest or an explanation that this is how the world works (not talking about or getting help with feelings) and I would have to find a way to deal with.
I did find a way to deal with the fact that I had these intense feelings that would not go away. I told myself that I was an alien who did not belong on this planet since I had feelings and no one else (the message I got from my parents) either had feelings or found any value in them. I don't mean that I pretended to be an alien or that it was an act to get pity. I truly felt like I had no place, and never told anyone about it except my therapist about it. I suppressed the feelings that naturally showed on my face as a child. I withdrew to protect myself from my mothers anger and my fathers implicit message that I was not important enough to bother paying any attention to. I've spent the rest of my life either suffering under these actions or working to change them.
I was physically bullied for many years until I "learned" not to let my feelings show, either in my behavior, or on my face. Now, I can see that I expected that there wasn't anyone else out there "like" me who would be safe to be around. I believe now that this drew the sharks like blood in water. I had never been given a reason to believe or expect that I would not or should not be attacked. I had never been given the message that I had any inherent worth or value, just by simply being alive.
Eventually I had a "moderate" major depressive collapse and started therapy. (Moderate, my ass!) I was also diagnosed with schizoid tendencies, which I disagree with quite strongly. Schizoid Personality Disorder is simply having very little contact with others and no desiring any more contact with others. For me, it is the second part, not desiring contact, that makes this diagnosis laughable for me. For all my life, I have wanted NOTHING more than to be close to other people and feel safe doing it. There was a long period time in my life, though, when this desire was so defended and protected that I wasn't able to express it.
After therapy and learning about myself and who I really am, I realize the truth. I am and always have been an amazing, caring, loving person, with many unique and wonderful traits. The only thing that was ever "wrong" with me was that I thought there was something wrong with me. I got that message from my parents who thought there was something wrong with them, whether they were aware of it or not. For years I told myself that I didn't understand people, that I couldn't ever have a caring relationship, that no one liked me, that I was unlikeable, and on and on and on. In the end, I found that none of that is true. The whole time I was trying to convince myself that that the message I got from my parents was true inspite of all my observations and all evidence to the contrary. During this time, I did not feel connected to other people, no matter how hard I "tried." It was only after I started to give up the idea that there was something wrong with me that I was able to begin to connect to people.
Hi,
I am pretty sure my mother is an N and I think my father was too busy fighting with her to take much notice of me as a child. Leaving me pretty much ignored.
My mother gradually fell out with every member of the extended family by the time I was 10 which isolated us as a famiy unit, just the 3 of us. My aunties last words to me were "I know she is your mother, but I hate her.". All I can remember as a child is my mother screaming at my father or she would sit there sulking for days and weeks. Christmas, Holidays, New years eve's, Birthday,s nearly all were spent in silence or screaming matches.
At around 12/13 my schoolfriends decided to ostracise (not speak to) me. for no reason just random bullying, that lasted about a year. If that didn't dent my self-esteem enough I had to deal with severe acne and needed specialist treatment.
At 17 I was diagnosed with depression at 18 Manic-Depression a few years ago social-phobia was added.
I am not scared of people and I don't dislike them, I just get nothing from being around other people. I feel like an observer or a piece of glass, I have to pretend I care about whatever they say. I have no ambitions or dream's or opinions of my own.
The weird thing for me is that most of the time I don't want to get better, I just don't care. Does this sound like voicelessness to anyone here ?
All this leads back to your question. If you don't believe you have the ability to talk about yourself, in a normal tone of voice, without any other requirements on the situation and be heard and be accepted and appreciated for who you are, then yes, you are voiceless. Not because you don't have a voice, but because you don't use it, based on the ideas that you believe which may not even be your true ideas. Posting here is a great way to excercise your voice, and there are many to hear and appreciate what you have to say.
By the way, I don't put much stock in diagnosis. It can be helpful as long as it helps orient you in a useful direction for awareness and treatment. However, even the best diagnosis is only ever a crude swipe at you. You are far more complex than a neat little box to be checked on an insurance form.
I hope this helps.
