Voicelessness ?

[Anonymous]

This may be a stretch, but you might consider looking into Schizoid Personality/Schizoid Personality Disorder (not usually associated with Schizophrenia, so don't be alarmed), and see if any of the associated symptoms/feelings ring a bell with you. Even if you don't have a full-blown disorder, a lot of what you describe could point to strong tendencies toward this personality type. It's worth look:

http://www.psychnet-uk.com/clinical_psychology/criteria_personality_schizoid.htm

http://www.pipeline.com/~dada3zen/schizoid_per_dis.htm

This is a support site for people with Schiziod Tendencies/Extreme Introversion. There is an article on the site that postulates that this is not a disorder at all but a personality type:
http://www.pipeline.com/~dada3zen/introvert.htm

http://www.pipeline.com/~dada3zen/schizoid_a_personality_not_a_disorder.htm

T

[longtire]

After reading and posting on this thread, I have been looking into Social Anxiety for myself.  This explains the biggest remaining issue for me.  When I was in treatment for depression I was also diagnosed with "Schizoid tendencies".  Aargghhhh!  That would mean I didn't want or didn't care about having more connection with people.  I made myself depressed by "trying" to hold onto what little contact I did have!  Sorry, I had to vent that.  What a miss by my therapist!  More recently, I was thinking that I might be Avoidant PD, but SA is a much simpler explanation.

When I walk into a room with a lot of people I don't know, I have this problem.  Most of the time, I just stay home and avoid the situation entirely.  Getting more insight and support recently I've been venturing forth some.    When I walk in, my chest tightens up, my breathing gets shallower, I feel like everyone can see the nervousness written on my face, my palms get sweaty, I actually get clumsier, I can't think, I feel "floaty."  It takes all my awareness to try to stay grounded and still my mind wanders off and I miss half of the conversation I'm "engaged" in.  It just doesn't seem to matter what my conscious expectations are.  This happens even when I go to church and expect everyone I meet to be caring, supportive and non-threatening.

I got a strong connection as I was typing the paragraph above.  The whole having other people see my feelings on my face thing.  This happened to me as a kid.  When I was bullied and got angry, my face would get red.  My teacher at the time told me "it takes two to tango, so you must be doing something to help cause the problem."  She also said, "just don't let(!) your face turn red and they will leave you alone."  Yeah, like I was doing it on purpose to taunt the bullies!  Sheesh!  Unfortunately, I did find a way to keep my feelings from showing, by adopting a poker face and suppressing all of my feelings.  Suppression for me is an all or nothing defense.  Even though I want to be open and comfortable in these settings, there must be a part of me that still remembers being physically assulted "because other people could see my feelings on my face," according to that ignorant, misguided teacher.  Eeeww..  This is definitely something for my next therapy session.

[bunny]

longtire,

Nice of your teacher to protect you from bullies (NOT). She had to blame the victim! How deplorable.

I can't believe anyone thought you had schizoid tendencies. I guess they didn't know what that was. Your parents sound that way, though.

I'm sure with practice you can maintain 'reality checks' about being around people. They're probably not even thinking about you when you're feeling self-conscious. Most people are thinking only about themselves!

bunny

[Anonymous]

Nice of your teacher to protect you from bullies (NOT). She had to blame the victim! How deplorable.

I can't believe anyone thought you had schizoid tendencies. I guess they didn't know what that was. Your parents sound that way, though.

I'm sure with practice you can maintain 'reality checks' about being around people. They're probably not even thinking about you when you're feeling self-conscious. Most people are thinking only about themselves!

This is a fear that I feel, rather than think my way into (unlike a lot of other fears for me!).  Consciously, I know that most other people are too wrapped up in their own stuff to bother me, even accidentally.  Even then, the vast majority of people would much rather have a good time and get along, rather than seek me out to hassle.

I know very well that there ARE people out there who do cause problems, but I know how to deal with them.  I'm not afraid of those situations!  This is more about being ashamed or embarassed.  So far, being aware of these things and going back over them in my head when it happens does not help any.  I'm really hoping my therapist can provide some insight to this one.

As for the schizoid tendencies thing, I'll ask him about that as well.  Yeah, I was really shut down during the first several years of my depression, but that's quite a miss.  I'd be interested to know what he saw and heard that led him in that direction.  That was an early diagnosis, he may have changed his mind along the way.

[catlover]

Re:  Social Anxiety

I have to agree that this is not something you can really "think" your way out of, and I've beaten myself up quite a bit because I've been told by various people and books that I could, so what was wrong with me that I actually couldn't!  I was bullied and made fun of a lot as a child too; thank God that my social anxiety doesn't affect me in a lot of areas anymore...

I am not generally a proponent of "relying on" medication, but in this case I have to say that medication (in particular, Xanex) has helped me.  I had an unreasonable terror of job interviews and public speaking.  And, like someone described in this thread, the more I did it the HARDER it got because each experience would be so awful, I'd dread the next one more and more.  I would try positive thinking, deep breathing, etc. etc, but when I got in the situation, I would involuntarily shake and sweat, my mind would go blank, and I had the feeling that people were attacking me and all I wanted to do was escape (fight or flight response).  I discovered that by taking Xanex (as prescribed by my doctor) I could go to an interview or speak in public without having these horrible involuntary reactions, so I was able to build up positive experiences.  As I had more "successes," my confidence rose and need for the xanex decreased.  I also joined Toastmasters and got some good practice in public speaking in a very casual atmosphere (luckily there were a lot of lousy speakers in this particular toastmasters!)  

The other thing I have a terrible phobia of is playing sports, which of course stems from being the stereotypical "last person picked for teams in gym class."  In this case, since it does not affect my life that much, I have decided just not to participate if the occasion arises.  In the past, people would cajole me, and it really did seem like it would be fun, but when I'd start playing an overwhelming feeling of shame would overcome me.  So now, no matter how much people cajole or how much fun it seems, I just avoid it.

Good luck to everyone battling with this stuff - remember:  it's NOT your fault, but you CAN get help from a competent, understanding therapist/psychiatrist.

[longtire]

gwyneveyre,
I plan to bring this up in therapy next week.  Although, I am getting yet another slant on it by reading "The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.  She describes ALL the symptoms that I experience and states they can all result from sensory overload.  It's quite a catch-22 for me because when I get overloaded, then I'm not available to connect with or support anyone else.  I get less of what I need out of the situation and it makes it harder to do next time.  I am usually fairly reluctant to do medication for these kinds of things, but so far the congnitive-only approach hasn't had any significant impact.  I'll check into it.

The other thing I have a terrible phobia of is playing sports, which of course stems from being the stereotypical "last person picked for teams in gym class." In this case, since it does not affect my life that much, I have decided just not to participate if the occasion arises. In the past, people would cajole me, and it really did seem like it would be fun, but when I'd start playing an overwhelming feeling of shame would overcome me. So now, no matter how much people cajole or how much fun it seems, I just avoid it.

I relate to this.  I was usually one of the last ones picked, and always the last one picked when it came to sports.  Those sports almost always counted on good gross motor skills.  I'm aware that I have below average gross motor skills, but very good fine motor skills.  I tend to concentrate on areas where this is a benefit, not a problem.  When I do engage in more active sports now its always non-competeitive or auto-competitive, like cycling.  Yes, I COULD race, but I choose to just ride around the neighborhood get my excercise.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

What a sad way to live as a child.  I can relate except that the holidays in my childhood home were always pretty good.  My parents both liked the holidays and called a cease fire from the marital war until after they were over.

Keep the faith  Jo

[catlover]

Hi Longtire,

Thanks for responding to my post.  I am very interested in the book you mentioned:

"The Highly Sensitive Person" by Elaine Aron.  She describes ALL the symptoms that I experience and states they can all result from sensory overload.

I have noticed that I seem to be more sensitive to a variety of things than other people.  For example, I can't play board games if there's music or television on, even if it's very quiet (well, I can play, but do really lousy and get irritated/confused).  Also, I'm interested in becoming a school psychologist, and I think part of that is looking at kids' sensory issues.  I may have to check out that book (there are sooo many good ones out there!)

When I do engage in more active sports now its always non-competeitive or auto-competitive, like cycling.  Yes, I COULD race, but I choose to just ride around the neighborhood get my excercise.

I agree.  I do stuff like hiking and backpacking which are non-competitive.  Although I have to admit to getting a bit of a competitive "thrill" about it simply because lots of people say things like, "how can you carry all your stuff with you and not shower for 5 days?!"  Also, I find that I can do aerobics classes pretty well.

I tried to take a raquetball class in college once, and I did ok the first couple of days.  But then the instructor had us do an exercise where we had to hit the ball after it had hit the wall behind us.  The problem was, he didn't give us each a certain number of attempts - he had the idea that we would each try over and over (with the whole class watching) until we succeeded.  Of course, the more I tried the more humiliated I got - I know you can imagine what I'm taking about!  I never did hit the ball, he finally gave up, and needless to say I dropped the class.

I wonder if the problem "highly sensitive people" have with some sports is that we have more of a tendency to "flinch" when objects are flying towards our faces at high speeds!

Anyways, it's good to be aware of our limitations, not beat ourselves up over them, and work with what we've got.

Keep up the good work Longtire (and everyone else too!)