Longtire, thank you for our conversation. It helped alot. I want everyone who gave me posts that I thank you for your words. In my mind I want to see the woman I met and promised a future. I want to see the woman who seemed to care. I realize now that a woman who is healthy minded wouldnt have done everything she did to me. I guess I seek blame on me because I am guilty of not reading a card she left me in June which in my mind makes believe I could have saved this relationship. I have to accept the fact that reading the card would have saved it for a time, but the underlining issues of bad behaviour would have presented itself later. I hate this way of thinking because the people I care most for always seem to feel the need to freak out and think nothing of it. I am sad inside because Deena has the ability to be intelligent work her field, but she doesnt have the ability to give herself in an intimate way. I realize after reading the posts that is my attempts to get closer are what make her push me away. Its just so hard to understand, but I gave 100% to us as a couple. I had business meeting I had to attend, but I never left her without her thoughts. The idea that I give 80% of me and she feels its ok to give 20% shows me that there is a problem. She told me once that her parents told her never to trust a man to take care of her. I should have realized that was a red flag along with alot of others. I am not crazy or stupid. I am just somebody who wanted to beleive the words because they met so much. I talked with my neighbor and she indicated that my ex would not let her or anybody else she knew hang out with us because she didnt want her friends taking away from us. She later told my friend that they were no longer friends and she told her to get lost. The point I am trying to make is that I see the pattern now of the inconsistant behaviour you all speak of. I am sorry I didnt. I am too busy trying to understand why anybody would disrepect me with porn on Christmas and the meaning of the holiday itself. I realize now that during all the holidays that were loving in nature, she slapped me. I just when I walked away that I stayed I went back because I didnt want to be a failure to a person I loved. I loved the womean I met, not the animal she has become.the issues I have must be codependancy. thanks again I am finding my way thru this. I still just keep praying that this a bad dream and I will wake up. take care. I pray we all make it thru. If anyone ever reads this in the future, just know that she is out there and she will take your heart from you chest step on it and feed it to you with a spoon to make sure you realize you were nothing to her.
