A New Generation to Come...

[CC]

Sorry I haven't checked in for a while.. needed a break to surround myself with other things.  It is easy to become preoccupied with N stuff.
 
I believe I shared with you a couple of months ago that I had finally decided to stop using birth control but had always had a negative association with having children.

I struggled with the decision for a year and several months before going off the pill.  For seven years of the nine I have been with my H I told him I did not think I would want children. He used to say it was okay because he has a little girl from a previous marriage, but I think that changed as time went on.  I did not want to have a baby just because I was getting older or because my husband wanted one, or because I didn't have anything else to do. A large part of it is the Ntraits inherited from Nmother, not wanting the responsibility and finding children a nuisance.  

With lots of therapy and (not getting any younger, 36) I decided that positive things could arise from having a child, and that there was a possibility that joy would come forth that had never emerged before - and that life didn't end with a child!

Well folks, its official... have not been to the doctor yet but took the test three days ago and I am probably about 20 days pregnant.     I am so anxious, and trying not to be.  I want to create a relaxed environment for this mystical thing that is stirring inside of me.  You are the first "outside" people to know this.. because I trust that your responses will positive and validating!!  

My husband is so excited, he has been very patient while I have made this excruciatingly long-forth decision.  He is trying to hide it from me (not succeeding) but just to see his excitement brings joy in itself.

So wait until you hear what Nmother said a few weeks ago (before I knew).  She knows that I have been thinking about it.  I told her about a conversation I had with my 10-year-old stepdaughter a few months ago when I asked her what she would think about her dad and I having a baby.  She (my stepdaughter) was very honest, and said that she would feel some jealousy because when she is at dad's house she is the center of attention (her mother is remarried with two younger children).  After a lengthy, healthy conversation she and I discussed ways in which she could participate, that she was still special, and no baby would replace her dad's feelings for her, etc.. I was very proud of the way this ten year old was able to articulate her feelings. We are very close and were able to very comfortably discuss solutions.

So a week later... my Nmother says to me, "you know, when you told me you were going to think about starting family I think I had to go through what (stepdaughter) had to go through.  I was feeling jealous because I realized that you would not be able to spend time with me because you will be busy with a baby.  but I'm getting over it."   No mention of possible happiness for me (or even her) was made.

When she said this, I was numb.  I was not surprised at all.  Interesting how the reaction of a 76 year old narcissist is the same as that of a ten year old child.   In fact, the bitter reality is, this is just a peek into the world of N grandmother that I am going to have to be prepared for.  For this reason, I have decided that she will be the last one to know that I am expecting.  This will give her less time to plan and disturb my joyful pregnancy.

I want this to be a happy, joyful experience.  I am going to surround myself with positive things and positive people.  God give me strength not to need her or her approval.  I am trying not to worry about our Fridays together and how she will be toward the baby when we are all together.  I know she will be financially generous, and I need to be prepared for manipulations.  I must detach emotionally.

I am hopeful that perhaps just the mere presence of being responsible for my child will add to my strength of detaching from Nmother emotionally.  It will become a requirement, and not an option     And I think I will have less patience for her than I do now.  That is probably a good thing.

As for my own feelings about actually having a baby now... there are many.  There is the finality of it (no turning back now!) but much of it is joy and wonder (imagining what it will be like and how I will feel).  Some fear, not much though.. I have been preparing mentally for a long time.  I am more fearful of giving up my independence than I am of being a good mother.  And, I am happy now to have a focus.    Many of you know I have been feeling like a fish out of water for a while... no purpose, no focus.  Even if this is temporary (18 years temporary, hah!)  I think it's already pulling me out of this unmotivated slump I've been in since this Nmother discovery.  

All of a sudden, I only have 8 months to get the house painted, drapes made,  etc etc. and I will be exposed to new social situations that will force me to excercise my new status (a new true self)!  I am looking forward to the comraderie of motherhood and making new, real friends.

Thank you for allowing me a safe place to express my new stuff.  I will probably wait two more months before telling everyone else.  Its kind of nice to be harboring this special secret with my hubby and you.

Good health to all. Love, CC

[Anonymous]

CONGRADULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!        

ENJOY YOUR JOY!  CC

IT IS A MIRACLE.

"I was very proud of the way this ten year old was able to articulate her feelings and we are very close and were able to very comfortably able to discuss solutions. "

Good for you!  Such a considerate conversation between a parent and their child – brings a bit of joy to my heart just hearing about that.  You already sound like you understand some good parenting from what you've accomplished with yourself and your stepdaughter.  You are willing to live with the question, the possibility that you may be selfish sometimes.  That doesn't sound narcissistic to me.  You acknowledged that your good news wasn't all about you.  It effects her too. Isn't all about any one person. It isn't either/or, win/loose as your poor old pain in the arse mom can' t understand.  

"I am more fearful of giving up my independence than I am of being a good mother".

Your child (inner and outter   ) will need your independence. You can’t give it up (as your mother proves over and over).   She tries but wherever she goes there she is.  Independence isn't really a choice is it?  It is just a matter of learning to like the inevitable and in doing so you'll teach your child to do the same.  They will probably out do you in being independent and interdependent as children/we just cant stop evolving – that is a child’s job.  There is a bit of mutany inherent in the process of living beyond our parents.

The airlines have had a difficult time teaching parents to take the oxygen mask first in cases of emergencies.  When parents don't take the oxygen mask first they are something like 90% more likely to parish (as is therefore their child) before being able to help the child who can live longer with less oxygen and yet who depends entirely on the parent for the mask.  Independence is a kind of emotional oxygen.

" And, I am happy now to have a focus. Many of you know I have been feeling like a fish out of water for a while... no purpose, no focus. Even if this is temporary (18 years temporary, hah!) I think it's already pulling me out of this unmotivated slump I've been in since this Nmother discovery. “

Nmother discover?  Who is the Nmother?  I doubt parenthood is all happy and good and overtly “positive” and I don’t feel I am being polly anna when I say I don’t see you as being a Nmother.  I respect the thought you put into being a parent.  And the feeling, the heart and joy you are expressing too.  The hardest part about parenthood in many ways is letting go – as your mother again exemplifies.  In not letting go of our children we can never fully know them as human beings. A quote I love is “A parent’s job is to give a child roots and wings”.  I’d add “wings that work” because sooner or later we all fly to coop, some better prepared than others.

While, as you know from experience, no child can be the total focus of a person, even a parent, for even a day perhaps but certainly not for a week perhaps it is the connection that you are feeling good about too? You said in a prior post something about "sense of purpose", not wanting to have a child to fill that huge role.  I agree.  And, connection is something having (raising is better word than having) a child can bring.     I got tired of studying dysfunction and have taken a break from that to read “The Childhood Root of Adult Happiness: 5 steps to help kids create and sustain Lifelong Joy” by Edward M Hallowell, M.D.  I am trying to apply the 5 steps to myself first and then hopefully with a child.  

Though I know it is all in good humor      I also have wondered before this last post of yours if you aren't a bit ambivalent about connection, loosing independence, giving,  etc. - even with your cooking (a form of giving)  you sign off "where there is smoke there is dinner".  Cooking is so social and giving and yet your signature suggests something else also. Humor, I know.  And? Maybe I am just reading into that yet it did cross my mind so I thought I’d just put it out there for you to taste.  

P.S. The baby won't care about the painted walls so enjoy your "free" time while you've got so much of it.  Maybe that means painting walls maybe not?
CONGRADULATIONS AGAIN AND AGAIN CC!!

[Acappella]

Hi CC, that was me Echo.....not logged in.

[CC]

Thanks Echo, for your kind sentiments.  I should clarify .. when I refer to the "Nmother discovery" I am referring to the realization I had about my OWN mother and finding out there was a name for her special, dysfunctional "condition", which I found out about a little less than a year ago. I think I can say confidently that I do not anticipate being an Nmother.. only a child of an Nmother that has to be careful about not allowing her own Ntraits to take over her newfound motherhood.  

Whenever I read a post from you, I feel as if I have been hugged. You said you are trying techniques from that book with yourself first, and then with a child.. are you thinking about this too? I don't think you said you had children yet, but when you do, you will be a great mother.  We are already better than our own, equipped with knowledge they never had.  and you are right, our children will surpass us..often I marvel at my stepdaughter's wisdom - beyond her years but also beyond my generation.


This N stuff can drag us down. Even reading too much about it is sometimes not good. At one point last month I was reading "Trapped in the mirror", "if you had controlling parents" and "denial of the true self" all at the same time.   I went into overload, and found myself thinking about the fact that I was the product of an N almost every waking moment this summer.  I only finished one of the books.  I decided that though it is healthy to acknowledge and heal, it is unhealthy to focus on this 24/7. We need to begin living again. I'm going to try these new wings out (the old ones were damaged) and see how they work.  

Come fly with me!

[I_am_mine]

CC, you're entering a whole new world, and I'm sure you'll find it unlike anything else you've ever been a part of.  

I've read lots of your past posts, and I think you'll be a wonderful mother...actually, I think you already started being a wonderful mother before you even decided to become a mother.  

You'll take what you've learned from your Nmom, and from your own self-exploration, and teach your child how to find his/her voice.  That's what I'm trying to do for my sons, altho I didn't discover "N-ness" til it was too late to apply to their early upbringing (they're 15, 16 and 19 now).  Still, better to start this journey now than not at all, right?

Because of your own experiences, your child will not only have a voice, but will probably be singing like a choir of angel before too long...

bobbie

[CC]

That's wonderful, bobbie (what a cute name).  I think your sons will still appreciate it because they see that their mom has the ability to grow and change. Thanks for the good wishes..

[I_am_mine]

Thanks, CC - your child will also have the benefit of a mother who has taken the blinders off, and looked at herself and the wold around her in the light of reality.  The pain of what you've already gone through will turn into a positive as you guide your child thru the years.

Thanks for the comment about my name...actually gave me a fit of giggles!  My given name isn't Roberta, but my Ndad's name is Robert, and the nickname was given to me (too bad I wasn't a son     ) as a result of him being called Bob...Big Bob and Little Bobbie...get it?  

Used to bother the heck out of me, but not any more...

bobbie

[Anonymous]

CC,
Congratulations about your wonderful news.  I can't relate to having N Parents but none the less my mother was as dysfunctional.  I hope this gives you some encouragement by saying this.  I am a great mother.  I make sure for my childrens well-being that I never allow myself to mirror a woman whom I despise.  When you have that little baby, you will then realize how dysfunctional your mom truly was.  I know I sure did.  

There have been many times when I am alone and I think of how precious my kids are, I begin to have memories surface about the way I was treated as a child.  I can't say the memories do not hurt when they surface.  That last for a very short time then I begin to think about my children and I compare how I am as a parent to how my mom was as a parent.  It is like comparing apples and oranges.  

Just remember how you felt as a child when you look into that babies eyes for the first time, it will hit you like a ton of bricks hun.  You will realize how sick your N parnent was when you realize the love you feel for your child.  Please enjoy every minute of that child.  That is something your N parent never had the pleasure of doing, they were incapable.

Nobody is a perfect parent and if they tell you they are, they are not speaking the full truth.  The love you feel for that baby will wipe away your fears of repeating the pattern.  I know it sure did for me.  I have told my mom on several occassions that if she could have just gotten past us kids being a chore to her, she might have enjoyed all the things she missed out on.  She could never get past the nurturing part of parenting.  Know what, it was her loss, not mine.  You will do great, enjoy every second of it.  It goes by quick!

[Jaded911]

CC,
That post was from me.  Silly me, I thought I was logged in.

[hope2003]

CC: congratulations on your pregnancy.

Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I experience such joy experiencing the world through their eyes.

I am new to this board, but judging by your insight, you will be a great mother.  The fact that you can articulate your concerns, and have an idea where your weaknesses might be, show that you have the maturity to be a good parent.  Nobody expects you to be perfect, just do the best that you can.

[Jaded911]

Amen Hope.

 Could not have said it any better then that.  There is nothing in the world that compares to looking at your child for the first time.

Of course you girls do know that your little girls turn out to be teenage girls, YIKES.  Ya just gotta love teenagers.  Well, ya just gotta refrain at times with teenagers, but ya still love them.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Hope and Jaded for your kind thoughts (and Jaded, I can't help but want to pick out a new handle for you.. "jaded" seems as though you are angry and haven't been healing.. I see so much growth, insight and healing on your part I can't help but think you deserve a better name for yourself )

I believe you when you say I will fall in love with motherhood sometime after the baby is born.  That is the hope I cling to, because I know it will make all of my fears of not having wanted children before go away.

Also I am working closely with a kinesiologist who has promised to help me prevent post-partum with my dietary supplements (she is convinced that most of it is chemical).

It's nice to be able to share this experience with other people on this board.. I visit babycenter.com's boards a lot but of course the concept of narcissism is not discussed.

Recently I shared the news of the baby with my Nmother, and her response is worthy of a whole other thread.  I am already feeling myself distancing more from mommie dearest with her recent antics.  My Friday visit was only two hours long last week.

The birth experience may be just what I need to complete the process of breaking away emotionally from mother and becoming my true self - yet for years it was my biggest fear. How interesting.

Strangely, I am secretly hoping for a boy (I know, any healthy baby is good, but)  because of the emotional turmoil that the women of my family are cursed with.   I believe though that God gives us only what we can handle and if there are lessons to be learned with a little girl then those are the cards I am dealt.

Thanks again for your support.

[CC]

I was logged in above I don't know what happened - Me (guest) above.

CC

[I_am_mine]

Also I am working closely with a kinesiologist who has promised to help me prevent post-partum with my dietary supplements (she is convinced that most of it is chemical).

CC, that sounds like a great idea!  I had post-partum depression after my 2nd baby, and the doc's solution was to give me a trank, which of course ended the breast-feeding.  After talking to many people, and reading lots about the subject, I'm convinced that nutrition/supplements can play a key role in preventing/alleviating post-partum, along with keeping you healthy, which will also be beneficial to your baby.  It's great that you're looking to the future, to ensure the best health for you and your baby.

Recently I shared the news of the baby with my Nmother, and her response is worthy of a whole other thread.  I am already feeling myself distancing more from mommie dearest with her recent antics.  My Friday visit was only two hours long last week.

I am so sorry about your mother's reaction to your wonderful news.  I was so blessed, sharing my news with my mom was one of the best parts of each of my pregnancies.  Course, my Ndad was an entirely different story, he predicted that I'd turn out to be the bad mother I am today - shoulda listened to him, cause he's always RIGHT!  I'm sure you weren't surprised by your mother's reaction, but you were probably still hurt and disappointed.  Distancing yourself sounds like a good plan - you really don't need stuff like that, not any time, but especially not now.

The birth experience may be just what I need to complete the process of breaking away emotionally from mother and becoming my true self - yet for years it was my biggest fear. How interesting.

Have you considered that having a child was such a big fear because your instincts said you weren't ready yet, you hadn't learned what you needed to learn to bring a new life into the world?  Now, after what you've gone thru and what you've made yourself learn from it, you are becoming your true self - and your true self is ready and competent to have a child and be the best mom you can be.  You have understanding and skills now that you didn't have before - I know there's still an element of apprehension, that's normal (this is totally new, uncharted territory for you), but your true self is aware enough to be able to put aside much of the irrational fear.

Strangely, I am secretly hoping for a boy

I have to admit to a fondness for boys - could it be because I have 3?  I understand your concern about your baby being a girl, and the potential turmoil, but boys have their issues, too.  I'm not trying to be an alarmist, but the Nism in my family has affected my boys, but differently than it's affected my sister's girls.  And boys are sometimes less vocal about stuff, and more "acting out".

 Boys, girls - whatever - they are ALL wonderful and I know when you first look into your baby's eyes, you will see a miracle!  Please continue to post on your progress, I am just so very happy for you, and happy for your baby, too - he or she will have a very loving mother!

bobbie

[Jaded911]

Bobbie,

You mentioned that N has had its affects on the men in your family as well as with the women.  I guess I never thought about this very much before this.  Do you notice a difference in the men and the women and the damage they suffered from having N parents?  What I guess I am trying to ask is did it make the men strong, outspoken, domineering , etc.  With the women being submissive, unsure of their self, scared to speak their minds?

My xN has a sister and I have seen the pattern I describe above in their case.  I was just curious if the affects were different between the men and women in your family?