The trouble is I think he believes everything he says. He believes himself to be totally genuine when he is being loving, and equally thinks his abrupt "about face" when he is angry is perfectly reasonable and rational because "he is hurting". It seems that he has an amazing ability to justify all his thoughts and feelings as being perfectly rational because, after all, they are HIS!! I don't know if this is the case with others, but it is definitely the case with him.
This has been my experience for the most part, too, that any indication to them that what they are doing may be one millimeter off the mark of sane (or nice or whatever) just results in a grandiose explanation of why they are in fact extremely perfect in their reactions, often with very detailed "evidence" for their position (usually the evidence either is untrue or incomplete or just makes no sense).
I can't tell you how much this describes my exN. He is a good writer and wrote gargantuan emails. When he abruptly broke off the engagement, and then a few days later, the entire relationship, all via email, I got multipage emails, single spaced, justifying and rationalizing his behavior. He thinks he understands himself so well and seems so proud of his insights into himself. But, he seems to only remember what he is feeling in the exact moment he is feeling it because he is full of contradictions. I could probably write a book just listing his contradictions alone. (One example is that during the break up, he wrote that we should no longer have a physical relationship because "that is a sacred act reserved for someone you are married to, at least in your heart." Then, from reading his emails, I saw that he was on the net trying to find shemales to have sex with and even hired male and female "escorts" to have sex with him and videotape it.) From this board and books, I've learned that their thinking is disordered and there's no point in trying to make sense of it.
As for wondering why we get seduced in the first place: I met him on an Internet dating site and the first two weeks of our relationship were email and phone calls. (He lived in another city). I was actually sharing some of his emails with my close female friends, wanting them to know that I'd met someone special and, perhaps, for a reality check. My friends, who are all stable, educated, middle aged women who love me were all impressed and taken with him. Only one suggested I slow things down. The rest encouraged me to go for it. I think my N was so good at expressing himself that his flattery seemed so genuine. He wasn't just complimenting superficial things like my looks, but he was describing in great depth what he loved about my character and the person that I am. We shared some strong values (or so it seemed). He came across as the exact opposite of superficial. He seemed deep, spiritual, empathic, evolved, etc..etc... I actually thought it would be a sign of poor self esteem on my part and an ungratefulness to the Universe if I questioned what he was expressing to me. I thought, here's a man who values in me what I most value in myself. I mistook him for a soulmate and his words (AND ACTIONS) strongly reinforced that image of who he represented in my life.
I am going to start another thread about Ns and spiritual/self help literature. My N is a follower of Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God books and I think he has taken the metaphor that he himself IS god to a Narcissistic extreme.
Chandra
