Just heard from my exN after 8 months

[Chandra]

It must be a law of nature that the second you let go of someone and move on, they make contact. I had the best day today I've had in 8 months. I'd really let go of my exN. And then this happens:

I just got an email from him after not hearing from him for 8 months. He wrote me through a singles web site where we both have personal ads (his has a photo of him with MY dog, remember?). He says he isn't writing me directly because he knows I have his email password. He says he wants to know how I'm doing and that he has warm memories of our time together. He also says he can't believe I haven't been swept off my feet yet because I'm so beautiful and intelligent and desirable. He says he hopes someone wonderful comes into my life soon.

What is his motive in writing to me???

And what do I do? Do I totally ignore him? Do I let him know in some indirect way that I'd been reading his email? (I could do this by writing to his direct email address instead of writing back through this singles website). Do I tell him I've diagnosed him with NPD? Should I be friendly? I suspect if I'm friendly, he'll probably write back again.  Is it possible to be friends with an exN who dumped me so brutally?

I know. You are all going to ask me what I want. I've done a lot of processing and have decided that this is not someone I really want in my life (other than the fact that I was so in love with him and one reason I don't want him is that he didn't want me---plus he's got so many issues which I would have been willing to work with at the time had he been willing to work with them, but he wasn't). Also, I've made all this recent progress in moving on. I don't want to get re-entangled with him in any way. I guess it would be nice if somehow it was possible that he has gotten better and was now capable of a relationship and wanted one with me. But, that's completely unrealistic. And I'm done with fantasy.

It's all pretty sad stuff. I feel sad for him and sad for me. It could have been a great relationship had he been able to be in a relationship. I loved him so much and in his own pathetic, limited way, he loved me. I don't even think a real friendship is possible with someone who is so disordered in his thinking.

Just in writing this, I have pretty much decided that I will NOT re-engage with him. I'll either ignore the email, or write back something incredibly brief and impersonal. And keep moving forward and not look back.

Chandra

[bludie]

Hello -- hold the phone! This is quite a development. Thank you for bringing it to us, Chandra. Bless your heart.

What is his motive in writing to me???

Ambivalence and maybe to mess with your mind a bit (probably more like to assuage some passing guilt he might temporarily be experiencing) (sorry).

He says he isn't writing me directly because he knows I have his email password.

Eegad!

Do I let him know in some indirect way that I'd been reading his email?

No way.

Do I totally ignore him?

Yup. Definitely.

Do I tell him I've diagnosed him with NPD? Should I be friendly?

No and definitely no.

It's all pretty sad stuff. I feel sad for him and sad for me. It could have been a great relationship had he been able to be in a relationship. I loved him so much and in his own pathetic, limited way, he loved me. I don't even think a real friendship is possible with someone who is so disordered in his thinking.

I can totally relate, Chandra. Big time. It is very, very sad. And we got very, very hurt. But we are very, very strong. You're coming through this beautifully.

Just in writing this, I have pretty much decided that I will NOT re-engage with him. I'll either ignore the email,

You're a smart lass. Like most all of us, the answers are inside. We just have to search and dig for them.

Yowza, Chandra. Keep posting. This is huge and must have your mind spinning a bit! I'm sending you strength and calm

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Chandra,

These losers usually turn up to make a "curtain call" as Steven Carter says. They like to do a spot-check every now and then to see if their former supply is still living in the same place, still willing to re-engage, etc. Basically he wants information about you. He is still revealing nada about himself, nor offering to fix himself. In fact he is fishing for info on whether you have a new boyfriend and whether you've utilized his email password. This wasn't an entirely friendly message. There are creepy undertones.

My unsolicited advise is, don't reply at all. He has nothing to offer you but more pain.

Keep up the great work,

bunny

[mum]

Chandra: you know how when you look at a magazine cover with a photo of someone's face on it, he looks like he is looking at you, no matter where you go? (the actual result of being flat and frozen in 2-D)...
It's like that.  
Walk on by the magazine stand, don't even pause (there is nothing you want there)...... (perhaps thinking to yourself, "isn't that nice? some flat non person thinking I'm attractive....")

I suggest NO response, just no response at all...

[onlyrenting1]

Chandra, Be alert and don't let him in your space.

I'm so beautiful and intelligent and desirable. He says he hopes someone wonderful comes into my life soon.

He had his chance, good things in his life, do you remember how you wanted to have good things but somehow he made it difficult for you.?

be friends with an exN who dumped me so brutally?

You have friends, would you want one who could be brutal, he loved you what does he do to friends.?

not someone I really want in my life

he may have an agenda, not quite finished with you. He knows your buttons and may have forgotten something he should've gotten 8mos ago.  

in love with him and one reason I don't want him is that he didn't want me

I think this will happen again., it may be something he enjoys doing.
Finding something better, in his mind, will no doubt be a temptaion again and again.

I don't want to get re-entangled with him in any way. I guess it would be nice if somehow it was possible that he has gotten better and was now capable of a relationship and wanted one with me

I can tell you after 26yrs they get worse with age, and one with health problems is a nitemare. If you can count yourself lucky and run while you can.

Keep reading about the charm and the way the N can mirror what you want to hear.  You let them in your space they feel like now they feel safe. You are their Friend then they can use you, you will be nice now, then they suck your emotions dry, You are left lifeless and stuned.

It is so sad, you can see the pattern, you know when the sweetness comes knocking, the N wants to pump for his N-supply, it's difficult for me to see my H, be kind, I know just around the corner is something to cause hurt.

onlyrenting1

[Anonymous]

Chandra:

As some teeny weenies would say "Oh, gag a maggot!"  Bunny and the rest are right.  He is a LOSER.  You came to the right conclusion at the very end.  No communication.  All  he wants is info and more importantly he is probably running low on his narcisstic supply.  All those cute comments about you being beautiful and desirable are just "hooks".  Let him stay in his little NPD world.  Patz

[Chandra]

Bludie, Patz, Mum, Onlyrenting, Bunny,

Thank you all  for the thoughtful replies. I had a restless night's sleep thinking about him. I composed some replies, just to get them out of my system. They are replies I would never consider sending. Here's one: "Are you sure you live in Oregon, because you sure sound like you're livin' in your own private Idaho. And it's too toxic for me. Have a nice life."

In a way, this curtain call confirms the NPD diagnosis for me. I was worried that since he hadn't been in touch, he might not really be an N.

Let him stay in his little NPD world.

I can only imagine what a lonely world it is. I am sad for him.

He had his chance, good things in his life, do you remember how you wanted to have good things but somehow he made it difficult for you.?

He really did have his chance and the vision we created for our life together was something I wanted more than anything. He ran away from it and I hope, on some level, he will someday regret it.

he loved you what does he do to friends.?

What a good point you make! I already know what a bad friend he'd make because after he broke off the engagement, I asked if he would honor just one commitment to me which he'd had on his calendar for months: to join me for a concert, just as friends. Of course, he blew me off and that really was the last straw for me.

Walk on by the magazine stand, don't even pause (there is nothing you want there)

You are so right. There is nothing I want there. Who wants financial instability, gender and sexual identity confusion, addictions and compulsions, and probably a whole lot more....

He is still revealing nada about himself, nor offering to fix
himself.

This could be a topic for a new thread. Under what circumstances MIGHT one consider allowing an N back into one's life? What would he have to do and follow through with? Or are there NO circumstances under which this would be a good idea?

It is very, very sad. And we got very, very hurt. But we are very,
very strong. You're coming through this beautifully.

Thanks Bludie. It feels so good to be heard and understood. The attention I just got from him gives me a tiny sense of validation. At least I know he hasn't erased me from his memory completely. Still, the reality is that there's really nothing here for me at all. I need to get back on my path of moving forward in my life and I don't think it'll take long at all.

Best to all of you,
Chandra

[Anonymous]

Under what circumstances MIGHT one consider allowing an N back into one's life? What would he have to do and follow through with? Or are there NO circumstances under which this would be a good idea?

My opin,

In the case of your ex, there are no circumstances that would allow any leeway. His character pathology is (from what you describe) really far beyond the pale. People who get away from him should thank their lucky stars.

In the case of someone much milder, who hadn't lied but was just selfish, they could probably get help (if motivated) and get better. Their character would have to be fairly okay though. Lying would rule them out.

bunny

[vunil]

What is his motive in writing to me???

Gettin' a little bit of attention!  It must be boring out there in singles world.  Also, the more attention, the better.

Would it be totally impossible to delete his message before reading them, or better yet to block him from e-mailing you?  (Most dating systems allow this, as do e-mail systems, I think).  

I know the scientist in all of us always wants to see what is behind the curtain (what will he say this time?) but you already know what's there.  And he is amusingly ridiculous, but not so much so that his e-mails are worth it.

Something about him is, in my humble opinion, evil.  A little bit of evil is still evil, so my vote (I know, I just gave myself a vote, but anyway...) is utter lack of contact.

If you could get yourself to use a different dating service, that would be good, too.  Then you won't know what his picture looks like

[Anonymous]

Gettin' a little bit of attention! It must be boring out there in singles world. Also, the more attention, the better.

Hi Vunil,

The last thing I knew before I stopped reading his email for good was that he'd JUST met a new woman and REALLY liked her and she REALLY liked him. So, it's especially interesting that he chooses this time to write to me. It's probably a way of trying to inject some distance into the new relationship, unless it's already over before it started. I don't know! I don't read his email anymore!

I'm not going to write him back. I would not be half surprised if he will wonder whether I ever got the email through the dating service. And he may attempt to call me or contact me some other way. I don't have caller ID and don't screen my calls so it's entirely possible that I would pick up the phone. And then I don't know what I'd do.  I hope I'd have the wherewithal to tell him I was right in the middle of something and could I call him back. And not call back.

It feels SO GOOD to be feeling this detached from him because not so long ago I adored this man and he utterly broke my heart.

Chandra

[vunil]

and don't screen my calls so it's entirely possible that I would pick up the phone.

If you want to really do this up, you could call the phone company and have them block his calls.  Evidently, that is something available (I'm not sure it's available in all areas).

Congratulations on breaking these bonds!  It is a real victory.

[Anonymous]

Chandra:

There are no circumstances that you take anyone back that : "as a requirement made you feel like  you had walked over broken glass with bare feet" in the relationship.

Just think if you continued to over look all these red flags and finally married the creep.  Narcs lead such double lives that it is no telling what else you would find out that would finally drive  you insane.  Life is much to short to even read his e-mails.  He is such a narc he is constantly looking over the horizon for the next narc meal, mostly to dine on a vulnerble female for  his supply.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Narcs lead such double lives that it is no telling what else you would find out that would finally drive you insane.......He is such a narc he is constantly looking over the horizon for the next narc meal, mostly to dine on a vulnerble female for his supply.

Patz,

It continues to amaze me that this condition (NPD) is so describable and predictable. The things people say about my N describe him so well that it almost feels like you know him personally and experienced what I did (which, of course, you did with your own N). And yet the N's don't feel like there's anything wrong with them at all. And even when they read literature describing NPD, they don't see anything of themselves in it. Amazing....

After my brief feeling of victory this week, I am feeling a bit down. So I'm over him and detaching. That's great. But now I'm feeling a let down. It's probably just the normal ups and downs of life.

Chandra

[Anonymous]

Chandra:

It is indeed an emotional roller coaster.  I remember feeling "you know I can do this, I can proceed with my life etc".  The next thing I would know  the ex N would contact me and knock out all the work I had done.  Just know this is part of the healing process:  1 step forward, sometimes 2 backward steps.  I just remember thinking "when is this kind of feeling and living" going to end?  It does end, it is something we all at this site have to work through.  Narcs are vapid creatures.  They could care less if they have NPD and you are wasting your energy trying to "make them see".  They are blind creatures.  Unlike Helen Keller who eventually attached meaning in the enviornment to words,  there is no meaning at all for N's to attach to.  They just grope about, inflicting pain with whomever they come in contact with.  Patz

[Chandra]

Hi Patz and all,

I figured out why I am sad. It's because it's REALLY over now, in that, I have realized I would never want him back regardless of what he might want. Up until very recently, I had some unconscious hopes that maybe he'd miss me and realize what he'd lost and come back around, wanting to work on himself and the relationship. But now, I fully realize that this is magical thinking and he is not going to change or improve. So now, it is really really OVER because I say so. It's no longer one-sided. And that is making me sad. Looks like a bit more grieving ahead....

I wrote him back a letter that I will not send but it felt so good to write. I know that NO CONTACT is far more effective in freeing me and in torturing him both.

Chandra

P.S. Here's another great web site on NPD: http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER

Click on the links in the left column for some wonderful support and reminders.