why is everyone out to get her?

[Anonymous]

this is my question of the day..should anyone choose to answer it...
background:  the reason that i finally attempted to put together actions of my mother and see if they fit into any pattern (which turned out to be npd, at least as far as i can tell) was the events of the past month...i am purchasing my first home.

i have run into (on the boards) a lot of talk about n's who think people are conspiring against them.  so far, since i have been in the works with buying this house these are the people that have conspired against her (according to her):  my realtor, sellers realtor, sellers attorney, me, the sellers, my grandfather (her dad), the title company local representative, the title companies attorney

i cant quite figure this out.  if an n. is so convinced of their own correctness and power and perfection  (is that it? are they convinced, or still striving?) then how is it that anyone elses actions effect them? it seems inconsistant, but true.

if anyone would respond i would appriciate it.  and in the future i hope that i could respond to other peoples questions, but at this time, i just don't feel that i understand what is going on yet enough to comment on anyone elses situation..i just dont want to be an one way street. thanks.

[Anonymous]

People who are narcissistic can be quite paranoid and/or persecuted. This is a projection of deep fears, anxieties, and negative feelings that they can't integrate within themselves. They have to be projected into other people and those people are then devalued.

my 2c,

bunny

[Anonymous]

There is always a strong CODEPENDENCY in every N since the N depends on another one to get his N SUPPLY.

This is a projection of deep fears, anxieties, and negative feelings that they can't integrate within themselves.

Everyone is projecting, it is the definition of relation among people. It is naive to believe that only N or paranoids project. They project more disturbing & painful feelings. That's all.

[Anonymous]

If your mother is a malicious N, then your success (in buying a house) is extremely threatening to her.

I had a very similar experience when I bought my first place.

Do you have siblings? There is a note about genetics on this website, and it implies that roughly 2/3 of children of Ns are Ns. In my case this is absolutely accurate. My brother and sister are both Ns as is my mother. The jealousy when I bought my first place was extreme and unbearable... ultimately their actions at this point led to the ceasation of all contact. (not soon enough). That was over 5 years ago.

Incidently, the jealousy wasn't limitted to that one event.

[bunny]

Everyone is projecting, it is the definition of relation among people. It is naive to believe that only N or paranoids project. They project more disturbing & painful feelings. That's all.

I never said that only N's or paranoids project. That would be ridiculous. I agree that their projections are more intense and disturbed than someone who is more functional.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Guest:

Everyone is narcissitic and selfish to a certain degree.  Survival of the human race depends upon it.  The question become when does it become pathological?  The pathological nature of n's are such you find the realtionship is a one way street, hardly any reciprocity is involved.  YOU are the one constantly doing, YOU are the one constantly impefect.  MOST things are totaly at your expense emotionally and in some monetarily.  

You will notice I did not use the absolute words such as always, ever, and every.  In some instances n's will throw you a crumb of affection, attention, consideration albeit calculated to keep you hooked.  This effort is to keep you in the relationship for their n supply.  

If  you feel that the relationship is continuing at your expense, it probably is.  That includes siblings being envious of material things, paranoia from your mother about others in the face of reality.  

I remember well when my father accused my mother of having an affair.  We were riding in the car and my mother had a loose leaf book on her lap.  He reached over and picked up the book and began looking through it.  He claimed the information in the book were contacts of all her lovers and other associates.  Reality:  It was a  book of my school assignments.  Reality:  He was the ONE having the affair and was projecting his guilt, his deceit on to her.  This is paranoia.  Patz

[BlueTopaz]

Two factors that are very "N relevant" could be contributing to her behavior.

Firstly, N's have major control issues, and it seems that for allllll of those many people to be conspiring against her in her mind, she must be (or be trying to be) quite involved with your home buying process (i.e. "control").  

Second, N's do not handle criticism well at all. It is actually major trigger for irrational N behavior.  Simply someone having another view or making a different suggestion than hers about an aspect regarding the home buying could easily be viewed by her as personal criticism, and threatening what she feels is her domain of control over the situation.

Both protecting her control and reacting to imagined personal criticisms could be contributing to her behavior.

i cant quite figure this out. if an n. is so convinced of their own correctness and power and perfection (is that it? are they convinced, or still striving?) then how is it that anyone elses actions effect them? it seems inconsistant, but true.

 N's, particularly in heated situations, are emotionally immature and gut reactive rather than introspective and having emotional impulse control, and that is one reason why other people's reactions can affect them so much.

They might genuinely believe they are right or only be acting on a kind of "N auto-pilot" without much inner thought, but either way they are still very reactive to any outside input that they feel threatens their built up N facade or self view.

Why the inconsistency? It's a bit comparable to non N people who seem well put together on the outside emotionally, but are lost and chaotic within.

The non N can see the emotional difference between inner & outer, and work on things, but the N often can't.  N's whole inner indentity and sense of self worth becomes wrapped up in the made-up outer self image they've created (maybe that is how they get so good at fooling others with it) and whatever threatens that self-view is met with irrationality and N wrath, because it can feel like an attack on their entire identity.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother, but if this is becoming a source of stress for you, maybe the less you share with her about the home buying process the better.

Good luck & congratulations on your first home, too.

BT

[Anonymous]

i was asked if i had siblings (and i did go and read the post about genetics).  i do not have any, i am an only child.at times i thought it would be nice to have some others that may take some of the burden off of me...but now that i am reading more posts i see that just because there are, lets say, 3 children, all 3 of them are not effected the same way.  so maybe siblings would not have helped out...if they were n's they may have made it worse.  i guess that is one of those be careful what you wish for things.

still very interested in the degree to which n.  appears to pass to children.  i was terrified when i first came here (and now am only moderately scared) that i would turn out to be the same way because i can get ver opinionated at times.  but i have been watching it...made sure that when me and boyfriend were picking out paint, appliances, etc for new home we had a 50-50 say in the matter.  it made me feel really good.

[in the shadows]

"When you search deep inside yourself would you find something dark and hidden, something hurtful you tried to forget or is it nothing at all. Do you believe that you actually search inside yourself or inside a dream you call life!
I don’t know how the mind works for everyone, but I have found that understanding your own mind can help you overcome, or find the reasons for the way you are or for what you fear in life." Fear is the reason they do this they fear loss in every way