just learned................

[MJM]

Hi................new to the site...........

Have been married 33 years to someone just diagnosed as N.  Over the years, there has been therapy (no avail in the past - I was always the bad person - but maybe some hope finally), silent times, arguments, etc.  There has been so much hurt and this is the first time I have mentioned that I might leave this relationship.  My spouse is finally admitting guilt over the abuse dished out over the years.  I am sure that for the first time, there is some level of truth in the admission - but my biggest concern is how long the admission of guily will last, can it last, and with the admission of guilt and continued therapy - is there any hope.  Comments, please...thanks

[Anonymous]

I don't know enough to gauge whether his admissions of guilt are a ploy to keep you from leaving, or whether he has sincere remorse. Maybe you can bring up that doubt in your therapy if it's couples counseling. Usually if a person is abusive, there is no way they can "see the light" and change in a short time.


bunny

[Anonymous]

MJM: Welcome to this place.

I think bunny might be right.  Please keep posting.  Patz

[Guest_NewDay]

Hi-
I'm not nearly as knowledgeable as others in this forum, but my take on this is that "self awareness" alone does not make a person change.  He can say that he is now aware of his problems and propensities, but without work, time and lots of effort,  his behavior may not change, at least not for good.  You and he would have to learn how to "manage" his Nism and you would need to be open to changing your way of dealing with him.  It's not just a one-sided deal that he needs to change.   Do you want to put the effort in, too?  Do you trust and love him enough?  His sincerity to work on himself may be real, but only time will tell if he intends to truly try.  It's like someone with a drinking problem saying, yes, I know I have a drinking problem, saying the words, and then heading for the liquor cabinet.  What good does the self-awareness or "confession" make?  It's just words.
If you are dedicated to your marriage and think that you can heal the wounds and feel this is the life you (still) want, then continue with therapy and proceed with caution.  Only you can decide.  But you may always wonder what would have happened if you don't give him a chance, so if you're not too overwhelmed with the idea of trying, it might be worth a shot.  
Best to you.  
Terry

[Portia]

Hi MJM.

Your spouse has just been diagnosed as N (or NPD?) by whom? - a therapist, psychiatrist, practising in what capacity (hospital etc)? And if yes, did the diagnosor tell your spouse (and/or you) this directly?

I ask because the prognosis for NPD is apparently not good, almost no point in telling the 'patient'.  Out of interest, do you think your spouse is NPD? What symptoms does he/she display?  

Of course feeling guilty is not the same as saying we feel guilty. It's easy to say.