I made a mistake for a long time

[Bloopsy]

I went to AA. I met these 2 men. I thought one was my friend and one was my lover. But they were not. I was running from how bad I feel and how lonely. Deep down I knew that the relationships I wanted to believe were there were not real and were based on what we each wanted to believe about ea chother------it all happened so fast and suddenly and I was not protecting myself. Now I feel like I can't let my feelings out for me because they are still painful. Talking to one of them was like talking to the mean voices in my head-----------He would always deny my feelings were real by using the AA slogan feelings aren't facts. That was hard. Theier minds moved so quickly I coauld not keep up. We had a fight and five minutes later I couldn't remember what is about but I felt horrified. I know that one of these men is a good kind man who was not using me and to him he is in my prayers and heart. I wish I was strong enough to be his friend but I am not . . . . . . . . . .. I just felt like a little girl following her daddy around. I can't deal with men. I just can't. I don't mean to hurt anyone. I just can't deal with them. My voice is too small and I feel like I am being pulled like a puppet on  a string around. I just am writing this to get it out of me. I am sorry. I do not know why it is so hard for me to take care of myself period.

[mum]

Bloopsy,
I am so sorry you're hurting.  Relax a bit, breathe.
Give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up for failing to take care of yourself.  That is not being kind to yourself all over again. It's a vicious cycle, this not loving ourselves.  Have some compassion for your humanity.  Humans aren't always on top of what we do.

You said you just can't deal with men.  Can you take that at face value.....do whatever you can NOT to deal with men right now?  I know AA is a valuable thing, but just because people are there, it doesn't necessarily mean they are totally together humans.

You're not a mess.  You and your life situation are two very different things. YOU are valuable...just you.  You don't need men (or me, for that matter) to decide that for you.  
I'm sure you know by now, that addictions come in all different packages, and male attention can be one.
Is there a female therapist/counselor/social worker you can start talking to about this?  Maybe you can find some help....think on it.....something will come up.
Hang in there.  You're ok...as just you, remember.

[Anonymous]

Bloopsy,

Don't beat yourself up, ok? I wonder if you can call your therapist. Also, can you go to women-only AA meetings? That might help a lot.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Bloopsy, you're not the only one who's ever made a mistake.

You wrote:  

I was running from how bad I feel and how lonely.

These are powerful feelings, Bloopsy, and I bet there are a lot of people here who have felt the same way and may not always have behaved perfectly during those periods.

The thing is.....maybe this is a time when you will need to just focus on you.  Do you believe you are ready for a relationship with a man?  Or are there things about you that you would like to work on, so that you are happy within yourself and with your life, first?

If you were in a happy, comfortable emotional state, and enjoying life, you might be more likely to attract someone just as healthy, do you think?

Anyway.......it sounds like you are fighting an addiction and for that you deserve a very large pat on the back.  That is not easy.  At least you went to an AA meeting instead of caving into a craving.  At least you have posted here instead of a similar set back.  This is a great struggle you are in and you are still battling and winning.  Keep that up, Bloopsy!  You are winning!!!

I am wondering if you might consider volunteering anywhere?  Sometimes, even one day per month of giving to others can feel wonderful.  It is true that by giving we receive and since you are feeling lonely, I just thought it might help to say....visit others who are alone or shut in???  You might find that you are needed and appreciated and that might help you to value yourself more.  It could be a nice social interaction too and you might enjoy the people you visit.  Just an idea.

Best wishes to you Bloopsy.

GFN

[Anonymous]

What is this slogan that feelings are not a fact?  It is a fact that we have feelings and it is a fact that whatever we are feeling we are feeling.  Can anyone explain to me what this slogan means?  Is it that our feelings may be based on something that isn't a fact, that makes sense.  But to say that feelings are not a fact makes no sense to me, except to say that facts and feelings are two different things, however they both are a reality.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that last post about feelings and facts was me, LM.

[Anonymous]

Bloopsie:

Mixing the 12 step program at AA and trying to mix working through emotional issues is like mixing oil and water.

AA is predicated on things that you do.  I drink therefore I am.

Working through emotional issues is like peeling and onion.  One layer at a time.  

Mistakes:  Michael Jordan did not achieve his high scoring technique by making all the baskets,  he missed a lot of baskets.  This is a simplistic way of saying that if I counted all of my sins of ommission and commission......well just shoot me now to put me out of my misery!

Men:  When you are feeling vulnerble, that is the last thing you want to be fooling with is a man.  Take care of yourself first.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Hi guys now i can feel my arms and legs again finally acknowledged at least  a little that I was emotionally insested by my mom and dad, and that I don't have to let them and everyone do it anymore and blame myself. I can feel the surface of my skin somewhat better and my arms and leg feel more connected to my body and less like slinging sausage.

[Guest from afar]

You sound like a gentle loving soul, and I agree that it can be difficult dealing with people who are very assertive about what they know, think and want. Such people can be either male or female, however. i know some really quiet, gentle,people of either gender, who have wonderful listening skills and are not always trying to push their agenda at other people's expense. Learning to develop a keen eye for such people is a skill that can be learned. However, it is also important to learn how to deal with others in general. Therapy would really help you with both sets of skills.

I am sorry you are suffering and hope you will seek out therapy as you will be amazed at how helpful it will be.

((hugs))

S

[Anonymous]

Bloopsy, I'm glad you can feel your arms, legs and skin again. That's very good news.

LM, "Feelings aren't facts" refers to people acting impulsively on feelings without considering the consequences/ramifications. Unfortunately the slogan can be used in a self-righteous, manipulative manner by narcissistic people.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Bloopsie,
patz wrote,

Men: When you are feeling vulnerble, that is the last thing you want to be fooling with is a man. Take care of yourself first.

and S wrote,

You sound like a gentle loving soul, and I agree that it can be difficult dealing with people who are very assertive about what they know, think and want. Such people can be either male or female, however. i know some really quiet, gentle,people of either gender, who have wonderful listening skills and are not always trying to push their agenda at other people's expense

.
I think both are right. My wife and I lead a middle aged singles group at our church and all are either divorced or coming off a breakup, and some are or were addicted to various things. We concentrate solely on building the singles up so that they are strong enough to make wise decisions. We purposely do not encourage dating. Most are older than we are so its not like we give them a time out if we hear they were out past 11:00pm, but romance can be a disaster for someone vulnerable like you are right now.
Like patz said, take care of yourself first.
And like S said you will find help from either gender, just make sure you're strong enough to know the difference between help and manipulation first. Right now you're not. Try and find a therapist. If you can't afford one a lot of churches or synagogues have counsellors who will help for nothing, maybe not for the long term but they can help you through a crisis.
 
mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

I was raped by my father in the bathroom when I was three. When I went upstairs to my babysitters house the two teenagers abused sexually abused me whenever they got the chance. I ran downstairs to Barbara and Richaed(my)parents" and I had the same kind of out of body experience I have continually now. I remember. I had nowhere to go and I wasw only three I could not hide from these horrible people raping me and forcing me to do things whenever they got the idea in thei rotten dirty heads. They can go to hell and rot there forever and I will laugh at them. I hate them. They are all the curse words in the world in every language and I have a right to hate them and everyone else because they are everywhere and I am nowhere. I told my therapist and she believed me. I always thought that my father was my soul mate in heaven. He was not he was the stinker drunken asshole who raped me when I was three. I will never forgive him. I hate my man accupuncturist who acted like I had to write a motherfucking book and what I couldn't he was like come on Bridget  you have to stop this and he can go to hell I will not allow him near me again I have a feeling he is a stupid child molester too. I can't believe I 6767889876 went through the 98-098-098 trouble to get my damn father out of the9870-87-0987=-0mass graves when that bastard raped me when I was three.  My sponsor at AA migh dropme now because I run and see stupid user men and totally forget that I am supposed to meet her. When he jumps I say how )(*)(*)(*)*high that user. Haveing I am hard time controlling my )(*)()*(*)(*(78397987)*)(*&^67%^#& language. I hope I can KEEp my sponsor but I don't )*)(*&(*&(*&(*&(* know if I will be able to do what she is helping me to do. God help me put in my best effort to do my part in this. I don't want to lose the only person who is unselfishly helping me. I know now that my mom gives me things because she feels so guilty because she knows. My sponsor treats me like I can do it. My mom is always making excuses for me. I don't need her )(*)(*&(*&)(*&(excuses or want them. I believed with all my heart that my father really loved me and my mother told me that he left because he couldn't get up in time for taking us to school but the truth was he couldn't keep his handsoff me and my sister. I can't trust my thinking of her that she is a (*)(*&)(*)(*87978 Saint because if he was that horrible and I thought he was a saint then I obviously can't trust my own thinking about my parents. I am 28 years old. I feel like an old woman. I can hardly walk. It is all his fault. I feel him begging me from the underworld not to tell his secret. I always defended him. It seems like I was defending my life. I always felt like I had to protect my mom and be her good little girl. I am like her appendage, if I feel some way that makes her uncomfortable she tells me not to feel that way. When I told her about the upstairs neighbors abusing me I always wondered why she hardly responded.I told her this and she didn'y belives me. Now I feel very bad.

[Anonymous]

Hi Bloopsie,

Are we hearing from your children? I'm guessing that most people here also believe you. I wonder if you could call your therapist and leave a message. Maybe she can help with these feelings about what happened and the dissociation and feeling bad which sounds pretty overwhelming.

{{{ Bloopsie }}}

bunny

[Anonymous]

I asked her how old she is and she says she is as old as the sea and no one can help her so they can all just stay away. I know that me and my three other inner children need help and have help and I am going to get it for us even though parts of me do not want it because doctors feel like they are invading my body and other people are very scary and we always think they are going to abuse us at any moment. My sponsor is not the only support that I have she is just the only support that I feel that I can trust, no that is not true I can trust my therapist, I think I feel so good about my sponsor because she has higher expectations than me and it seems like she is in the outside world whereas when i go to see my therapist or talk to her on the phone it is like going into a dim cave.. I am very shocked right now because I just recovered my memory of this yesterday of my dad and what he did to me and I pray to God not my sister. But I think so. Is there anyone out there who has gone through a similar experience? I am relieved that i found m ymemory. I will keep praying. I think that I was looking for this memory. I need to know why things have been so hard for me and it is so hard for me to breathe and eat and do anything to stop terrible things from happeneing, that I go numb and dissasociate when they do or even when something small happens. I always sensed that when people talked about the Holocaust and were like "never forget because then it could happen again" that it had some personal signifigance to me that I didn't understand like a bell or a wave or a child crying in the dark calling me home.

[Anonymous]

Bunny yes that was Bipsy, she is very angry. Thank you for remembering about my children. I talked to my therapist a little bit ago.