I am so upset

[miaxo]

Right now I am battling X N via email regarding a Girl Scout Event this evening for daughter.  He is writing that it is a mother/daughter event...trying to infer that I am interfering with his parenting time by scheduling activities (I'm the troop leader).  Of course, he doesn't understand that it is for his daughter and not for me.  I guess he can't think any differently b/c everything he does is about him.

GFN
My husband was ready to get the cell phone last week but I didn't think it would make a difference.  Knowing X N as well as I do he wouldn't let her have it and would confiscate it until the end of the visit.  He's very paranoid and I'm sure he checks through the overnight bag as soon as he picks them up for "bugs".  Honestly, I have thought about planting one but he would find it and lash out on the kids.  He has already told my daughter to "stop talking behind his back".  That's standard for him.  Ever since I have known him he always thinks others are trying to screw him over.  

I'll probably get the cell phone anyway and if he doesn't let her use it then he will have to explain to the therapist.

Mudpup
I'm going to wait until I take the kids on tues to their therapy appt to find out if X N ever contacted her.  If he hasn't then I will contact my attorney.  I guess I could phone the therapist today and ask but I don't want it to backfire and for me to come off as a vindictive b*tch.  I figure if he hasn't called by today then he isn't calling anyway.  I'll keep everyone posted.

[Anonymous]

I'll probably get the cell phone anyway and if he doesn't let her use it then he will have to explain to the therapist.

YES. GET THE PHONE!!

I guess I could phone the therapist today and ask but I don't want it to backfire and for me to come off as a vindictive b*tch.  I figure if he hasn't called by today then he isn't calling anyway.  I'll keep everyone posted.

The therapist will not consider you a vindictive b*tch. That just wouldn't happen. If you want to call her, call.

And thanks for sharing your story, it wasn't rambling at all. Your ex-husband is seriously disturbed.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Re: giving old, decrepit, broken, damaged gifts.

That is how the gift-giver feels inside. Damaged and broken. They are probably hoping for someone to repair the damage but they'd attack anyone who tried.


bunny

[Anonymous]

This is what I read about gift giving:

Some narcissists spend extravagantly in order to impress people, keep up grandiose pretentions, or buy favorable treatment, and some narcissists overspend, bankrupt themselves, and lose everything. My personal experience is that narcissists are stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity. This is a person who won't spend $1.50 on a greeting card but will instead send you an advertising flyer that came with the newspaper. This is a person who will be very conscious of her appearance but will dress herself and her children in used clothes and other people's cast-offs. [Note: Thrift is not in itself a narcissistic trait; neither is a fondness for old clothes. The important element here is that the narcissist buys clothes that other people she admires and wishes to emulate have already picked out, since she has no individual tastes or preferences.] These are people who need labels or trademarks (or other signs of authority) to distinguish between the real thing and a cheap knock-off or imitation, and so will substitute something easy and cheap for something precious and dear and expect nobody else to know the difference, since they can't. These are people who can tell you how many miles but not how many smiles.
     Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you. ^


mia

[Anonymous]

Mia:

Thanks for the info.  That really explains some of the strange things I have/have not received from my brothers.  I remember one Christmas, my middle brother wanted to know what my son wanted.  I told him a lava lamp, some CDs, maybe some computer software.  Well he tells me he  has sent it via UPS.  Well it never showed.  He called to ask if it got to my house.  I told  him no, and he began to go on an on about how his secretary got it to UPS on time etc......and he would check on it.  Well, I did not get concerned, after all it was the thought that counted.  Well he calls me back two weeks later and was all concerned about how the UPS people had screwed up etc........Well, I finally checked unknown to him, with UPS, I had a friend who worked for them.  They followed the trail all the way back to the orgination point.........he had not sent it at all.  He had me believing that he  had sent this nice gift, had me expecting and watching for UPS knowing all the time he had not sent it.  He then called say about three weeks later and wanted to know if it had shown up and I told him no.  He said, "Well, that is to bad because it also had a diamond braclet in it."  I replied "Well, YOU DO have a problem don't you if you spent that kind of money and prehaps YOU should call UPS and find out what happened. It is really not my concern is it?"   Never  heard anything else about it.   This is my loving family.  BTW.....my son is disabled and he did this to him.  Why?

I had the gall to call my younger brother, who he is arguing and fighting with over business problems.  He saw that as my taking sides and this is how he got back at me.  You what I have done to solve this "little" problem.  I simply told both of my brothers I no longer wanted to exchange gifts with any of my narc family and I was going to spend the money I would have spent on them, on my son who is the most deserving of all.  I repeat,  I have SUCH a loving family. As someone has said, it makes me want to hurl.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Patz,

BTW.....my son is disabled and he did this to him. Why?

Thats the $64 question. No matter how much I read on this condition there will always be inexplicable, completely alien aspects to them. I don't think it is possible to get all the way inside their heads. I can predict what my brother will do like clockwork but some of it is just WHY,WHY, WHY! What the hell is going on in there(pardon my French).
I mean we can know why, in the factual sense of their response to the world. But to contemplate that type of behavior ourselves or understand the motivation at an emotional or spiritual level; we might as well be talking to a Martian.

Mia, I and others said this before and I am unaware if it helps but, XN=    
Congratulations on being your daughter's Scout leader too. Good mommy.  

mudpuppy

[mum]

Mia: When do they stop???  Never.  Just got a call from my attorney....heads up, exN is going for a reduction in child support.  I has begun, he will unravel his house of cards and I'm looking forward to it.
(Now if I could just get on Oprah or something and raise the funds to fight him again.....)  I think a forensic accountant will be needed (that trip to Switzerland is not just coincidental).
     My daughter begged for a cell phone for the longest time....primarily to call friends, etc...but she admitted to me once, that her secret agenda was to call me when she needed to, without him controlling it.  
My custody agreement has phone access as a point, yours probably does too, but as we know the slimeballs justify everything (um, "didn't hear it", um,"why are you calling your mother again??") Both my kids have found the cell phones a great advantage in calling me when they want, however, getting away from raging dad is something the phone call cannot do for them.  YOUR ex sounds much more dangerous, however, and since your children are young, moving to get them away from him is your best bet.  
     As far as gifts go: my ex, in a grand display of "generosity" in front of the mediator last year, announced he would be giving my son, for his birthday LAST year, the funds to go to an extensive $5000. music program the Following summer.  Oooooh, Aahhh. (that is for this summer coming up).
NOW he made my son sign a contract that if my son's grades don't improve, he will be severely restricted at his home AND he won't get that program paid for by dad (NOT GO, in  other words).
NICE birthday present, huh?

When we were married, exN would buy himself ONLY the best of everything....labels were big for him....but he would pitch a fit if I bought my son a new backpack for $15 for instance ("he has a perfectly good bugs bunny back pack, why can't he use that for 4th grade??)  I could safely bet (and I saw reciepts as well) that his numerous adulterous affairs siphoned some much needed family money as well.

[miaxo]

Mudpup
My husband and I are perfecting the skill of predicting how X N will react to a given situation but you are right....We still find ourselves asking WHY?

Even my Mom will start asking, "What would make him act that way?"  which is followed by her own answer "He's not a human being".

I can so relate to the "alien" concept.  I vaguely remember a movie where aliens were here on Earth and would slip into their "pods".  I often think of X N as one of these aliens who is trying to imitate what the humans are doing but just can't seem to get it right. X N is trying to program himself but the program keeps running amuck.

[Anonymous]

mia,

I vaguely remember a movie where aliens were here on Earth and would slip into their "pods".

It was Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Funny you should say that. I wasn't even thinking of that when I wrote you. But awhile back, on some other thread, I remember saying Ns were just like the pod people.
I have learned to use my brothers predictable reactions to my advantage. Obviously there is only so much you can do, and I don't enjoy manipulating anyone, but it is possible to somewhat direct their behavior by using there preprogrammed reactions.
By the way there seem to be more Ns all the time. Has anyone noticed a field of unusually large seed pods in their neck of the woods.

mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

It was Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Maybe I will rent this over the weekend for a good laugh.

I better go check my yard for any pods.  

[Anonymous]

Guest,

Maybe I will rent this over the weekend for a good laugh.

I prefer the original black and white. However it might give you the creeps rather than a laugh. The aliens are emotionless copies of real humans who try to fit in by imitating us. Sound eerily familiar?

mudpuppy

[miaxo]

Mud

However it might give you the creeps rather than a laugh.

I do remember that it was a creepy movie but now I would be watching it from a different perspective.  I think I would find it to be comical now.  I know, I'm a sick pup.

Mum

My X N was stingy all around.  He doesn't like to part with a penny for anything.  In the end it worked to my benefit b/c he did save everything and I did get half of it all.  

He had no clue what it cost to raise a child b/c while married to him my parents bought sooo much for my daughter.  I can remember buying her a pair of shoes for $18 and he went bonkers over it!  I think I mentioned in a previous post that he had me on a strict allowance and I think I exceeded it two or three times before I adhered strictly.  Otherwise I used to catch hell from him. It wasn't worth it.  It was better to do without.
Now I can't believe that I put up with it for as long as I did but divorce wasn't an option for me.  I felt I married for better or worse and that I was stuck with him forever.  Some days I was so hopeless.  

Hope things improve for you and your children.
Mia

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

Thanks for this thread.  It has helped to zero in on my N brothers' behavior.  I just could not understand some of it and now it comes into sharp focus.

I will also check under the house for any pods!  The black/white version was really creepy.  They were automotans just like narcs.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

Thanks for this thread.  It has helped to zero in on my N brothers' behavior.  I just could not understand some of it and now it comes into sharp focus.

I will also check under the house for any pods!  The black/white version was really creepy.  They were automotans just like narcs.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Patz,
Was that second post by your pod person double?    
That is you, right Patz?

mudpup