Newby here and wondering if my mother is a Narcissist

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone.
I just found this site today and I think I will be a regular here. A counselor suggested that I read "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss. I am about halfway through and I think my mom might be a narcissist. My mom never finished high school and married my dad at 18. 50 years later they are still married but they probably should have divorced 45 years ago. Throughout my childhood my mom told me problems she had with my dad. My dad's high school girlfriend's name was brought up a lot and still is, 50 years later. My mom has never been employed. My dad made enough money for the family. 5 months ago my mom told everyone in the family, friends and so on that my dad had an affair several years ago and she was devastated. Actually it's not new news, I guess he just finally admitted it. She tells everyone horrible stories from before they were married til now. About 2 months ago I started taking less calls from her because I am physically sickened after a conversation with her. I had told her I can't listen to this anymore and to please give it a break. I had told her I love them both but there's nothing I can do for them. This is between the two of them and they are the ones that have to work through it. She doesn't seem to want a divorce. It seems she just wants to tell EVERYBODY her stories. I'm sure my dad did things that were wrong but I don't believe all the things she's told me. Recently my dad called wanting to know what's going on between my mom and me. She was listening in but I didn't know that until I heard her hang up and asked my dad about it. She also called my ex-mother in law telling her I've written her off my list and she wanted to know how my daughters are doing. I called her a couple weeks ago telling her how I feel about all this and how she's behaving now. It was a heated conversation. I refuse to be treated like this anymore. I saw my dad a few days ago and he told me my mom is done with me and told him not to tell me when she dies. She has had several friendships over the years that suddenly stopped for reasons I could not understand. I guess that's what she does when she's not being enabled. So that's what she's done to me now. So with that brief history what are your opinions? Is she a narcissist? I have been seeing a counselor. She said it's a possibility but she'd have to see my mom to be sure. I will ask her to go with me but I doubt she will. Thanks for any replies. I am learning that I haven't done anything wrong. My siblings and I are also realizing there is a larger problem than we ever thought. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to this sanctuary from Narcs or N's as they are called here.  You could have been writing my life story about my own interaction with my mother/father.  However my father was a full blown N and my mother was a mayrter/N.  I also told my own mother with I was about 30ish that I could no longer help her, that she had to take responsiblity for her relationship with my father.  She prefered to climb up on her cross and to continue to live with a man who had many affairs, treated her with inconsideration, call her stupid etc..........she perferred to suffer.  To change and to give this all up would have meant changing and doing something different with her life.  You are right to seek help and I hope your mother does as well.  However, since she is unable and unwilling to speak to you don't be surpised if she won't come to the phone and even talk about seeing a therapist.  

You will find that many people posting here will have experiences that you can relate to and grow from.  I am a survivor of Ns of the last 50 some odd years.  I still come here because of the residual effects left by significant others in my life.  When you begin what I call the "Great Awakening" as to what has transpired, that "it is not you", all the crazing making that has gone on becomes crystalized and you began to understand.  At that point, there is no turning back and the blinders are off.  It is truly a grieving and growing experience.

Patz

[Anonymous]

Well I don't have to see your mother to be sure. She is a textbook case! And I'm sorry to say that your father has some problems as well. Both parents have extremely poor boundaries (if any boundaries at all). I'm very sorry about all the crap they've pulled.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Welcome to this sanctuary from Narcs or N's as they are called here.  You could have been writing my life story about my own interaction with my mother/father.  However my father was a full blown N and my mother was a mayrter/N.  I also told my own mother with I was about 30ish that I could no longer help her, that she had to take responsiblity for her relationship with my father.  She prefered to climb up on her cross and to continue to live with a man who had many affairs, treated her with inconsideration, call her stupid etc..........she perferred to suffer.  To change and to give this all up would have meant changing and doing something different with her life.  You are right to seek help and I hope your mother does as well.  However, since she is unable and unwilling to speak to you don't be surpised if she won't come to the phone and even talk about seeing a therapist.  

You will find that many people posting here will have experiences that you can relate to and grow from.  I am a survivor of Ns of the last 50 some odd years.  I still come here because of the residual effects left by significant others in my life.  When you begin what I call the "Great Awakening" as to what has transpired, that "it is not you", all the crazing making that has gone on becomes crystalized and you began to understand.  At that point, there is no turning back and the blinders are off.  It is truly a grieving and growing experience.

Patz

Hi

I come here in the hope that I can help and to document what has happened to me.

My mother was and is the archetypal N who ruined the lives of her four daughters.  Through therapy and being a positive, optimistic, loving person - I am beyond her 'scope' now.

I would recommend to the thread starter that she reads the book she quoted.  It's a simply written but authoritative account of Narcissism and I think anyone who has read it has had 'lightbulbs' going off all over the place.  I've sent it to all my siblings and lent it to several good friends.

Good luck!!

[October]

I saw my dad a few days ago and he told me my mom is done with me and told him not to tell me when she dies.

Does your mother actually have a terminal condition?  If she does, then I am very sorry.  But if not, this comment to your dad is pretty sure evidence of N behaviour, as far as I am concerned.

My Nmum has been playing the role of the dying swan for the past 40 years, as far as I recall, and according to my relations, for much longer than that to them.  One day I remember very well from my teenage years when she took me to one side to tell me she was 'on her way out', and that people always know these things.  I told her not to be so b*****y stupid.  

She thinks that we will all be sorry when she is dead, and of course it will be too late then.  She will have entered eternity as a Holy Martyr, while we suffer the pains of hell for the torments we put her through during her earthly life.  That kind of thought gives an N real satisfaction.  

Best thing you can do with this kind of comment is laugh at it.  

[mum]

Welcome...I'm sad and mad that you have to deal with this.
Your mom sure sounds unstable no matter what.  You are right to take care of yourself and set your boundaries.  

I have a friend who's (now ex) husband (big time N) had been lying to her for years and having anonymous sex with many men...basically living a double life.  She is understandably angry and wounded.  One of the things her own (grown) children have asked her NOT to do, is make comments about thier dad in front of them. They totally understand that what he did devestated her, and think he's a jerk, but he is still their dad, and do not want to be in a tug of war between them.  They confided in me, that they love their mom beyond description, but feel repulsed by her apparent need to compete unecessarily for their love by saying cracks about the dad.  My friend is really working hard at healing and is open to changing her insecure patterns with her daughters.

Your mom, however, may NEVER understand what her badmouthing of your father does to you....and more importantly, does to your opinion of her.  This inability to give you what you request and her "black and white" reaction to it, more than anything describes her as a real narc.

It sounds like you are doing a good job setting your limits.  Her matyr comments are meant to hook you into taking on her pain again.  And that is something nobody can do for anyone.

[webster]

I saw my dad a few days ago and he told me my mom is done with me and told him not to tell me when she dies.

Does your mother actually have a terminal condition?  If she does, then I am very sorry.  But if not, this comment to your dad is pretty sure evidence of N behaviour, as far as I am concerned.

My Nmum has been playing the role of the dying swan for the past 40 years, as far as I recall, and according to my relations, for much longer than that to them.  One day I remember very well from my teenage years when she took me to one side to tell me she was 'on her way out', and that people always know these things.  I told her not to be so b*****y stupid.  

She thinks that we will all be sorry when she is dead, and of course it will be too late then.  She will have entered eternity as a Holy Martyr, while we suffer the pains of hell for the torments we put her through during her earthly life.  That kind of thought gives an N real satisfaction.  

Best thing you can do with this kind of comment is laugh at it.  

My mom does not have a terminal condition. Actually she's pretty healthy. Around 12 years ago I told her I was going to divorce my first husband. She became very mad and told me I should stay married for my kids, just like she did. She also told me then that she didn't want me to come to her funeral when she dies. I really needed her then and she turned on me. I guess that's classic too.

[Anonymous]

Guest:

N's get their supply where they can find it.  If it is primary or secondary gain from illnesses, real or true, they will use it to manipulate, lay guilt trips etc. to get what they want.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Turning on you when you need them the most is what they excel in. Sounds to me like your mother has got all the building blocks to be a narcissist. They are pathetic people and will do anything and everything to get their "supply". Start distancing yourself now from this woman.