how to leave your narcissistic husband?

[Hopalong]

Annabelle...

Welcome, and I'm very sorry.
Please see a gooood lawyer first of all.
Then read and read some of the self-help books...I remember a title, Too Good to Go, Too Bad to Stay.

(Though in my opinion, once you recognize a true N is your spouse, you must save yourself and your kids.)

I'm glad you're here.

Hopalong

[Poppy Seed]

Annabelle,

Hello!  A new face.  How lovely!  Welcome.  I am Poppyseed.  I  know a little of how you are feeling.  But it doesn't sound like this person is good for you.  Your inner spirit sounds like it is crying out for you to make a change.  In my situation, I didn't allow myself to hear that voice inside.  I lost too many years taking the pills and hoping that if I could improve myself, things would get better.  I ended up destroying myself to make him happy.  Oh the losses!! It was not worth it.  I look back and wish I had made different choices.  Wish I would have made deliberate life choices that would have kept me safe and believing that I deserved better.  If your heart is telling you to leave, then do it.  Find a way.  I think once you make the choice and you become determined the "how tos" will reveal themselves.  You little ones are so small.  Their pains will be there.  But you will find a salve for them.  They are so young.  They may miss a lot of the trauma an older child may feel.  Is this man their father???

You deserve better!!!  You really do.  And your kids deserve a better example of how men should treat women. 

Poppy

[Poppy Seed]

My names Ashley and I'm 17. I've been married to my husband since i was 16 and its horrible. He treats me like shit, he has hit me before, he cheats and he has said numerous times that he doesn't love me. I want to leave him because i am miserable and i have been crying myself to sleep for almost a year now and I'm sick of it. i want to leave but my mother will not let me move back in with her, i have no car, I'm pregnant, i have a job that gives me $100.00 a week so i can't afford a place of my own, i have looked into womens shelters but i am not abused physically only mentally and emotionally, so i cant get into there. i just dint know what to do! someone help please!

Ashley,

Hello!  It is nice to meet you.  You are strong for 17!  You hear me?  You are strong!!  You are in an amazingly tough situation. I am glad to hear you are sick of it.  GOOD!  Use those feelings to help you decide and act for yourself, just like you would your best friend.  There has got to be resources for you.  Look into them even if you are scared.  There are people who will help.

 Listen to your gut. Trust it. Don't wait around for him to do it again.  He has already shown you who he is.   Do you have any family?  Even out of state.  A brother or sister?  Even someone you need to mend fences with.  Do you have church connections?  Maybe missionaries or aid workers that are not of your faith.  There are so many good people out there.  Even a hospital's social worker if you can't find anyone else.  Many have been where you are and can lead you to safety.  It sounds to me like you need a better job.  You can earn more than $100 a week if you are determined.  If you need to finish school, then do it!!  Don't let that get away from you for anything!!  Education is your ticket!!   

 Decide that you deserve better.  Decide you deserve the BEST for you and your little one.  You will be OK.  I am sure others on this board will give you great advice.  Some really know what you are going thru.   I am sending you my love.  I am sending you some strength and a hug to hide in your pocket for a rainy day!!  Boys are nice but there are certainly not everything -- especially at 17. You don't need this bottom-dweller!  There ARE men out there who don't do this kinda thing.  Men who stand in kindness and respect and care for the women in their lives.  You deserve one of them!!!  But that will come in time.  For now, it is YOU that needs to be your own best friend. As you become determined  not to compromise your safety and self respect,  the right people will come to help you.

Love, Poppy

[Certain Hope]

Hi ....

Just wanted to let y'all know that, unless I missed something (which is entirely possible) the original posts on this thread, by Annabelle, are from 2003.

Ashley's post is the new one...

Hi again, Ashley.

Love,
Carolyn

[Lin]

Hi everyone... I typed in "how to leave your husband" on yahoo search and I found this. I was married at age 19 and I'm now 24... I've spent 5 years of happiness threaded excessively with misery. I love my husband, but I know he doesn't treat me right a lot of the time. I'm having trouble figuring out if the good times are worth the bad that come with it. Exp.: He knows me so well... he has made me cry tears of wonderful joy at the gifts he has given me... so intimate in detail, no other girl could appreciate it but me b/c they are alway about me. Yet, when things are bad, they are brutal. He's never hit me... but he has often called me lazy when I know I am not. We recently bough a home together and even though I bust my butt getting things put away and trying to make everything look nice, he says I'm not doing enough and I'm too slow and lazy. He's asked me for help doing stuff in the basement, like building a hand rail and difficult stuff for a woman to help do. I try my best only to be told that I'm a moron and that I'm not helping at all, so to just get out. It's been pretty crappy since we've moved in here... and he's told me to leave like 10 times in the past 3 weeks. He's had some serious anxiety b/c of just buying the house a month ago, and I got laid off... I don't know if this is a logical excuse for his actions... but in the back of my head I hear myself saying "he's acted like this even when you were just renting and you had a job!". I keep hoping it will change...

What should I do???!!!

[reallyME]

Lin,

I have to tell you, from reading your post, your situation seems very much like my childhood and my mother's experence with an OCD and OCPD husband. 

Things did not get super bad, till we bought a new house.  Then, the fixing up of it, by my perfectionistic step-father, became obsessive and drove him pretty much nuts.  I know your husband probably won't go get diagnosed, but please do read up on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and see if maybe there is something to it with him.  Just a thought.

~Laura

[Ami]

Dear Lin,
  I have put up with so many situations like you are describing.It is not "normal". For me, I felt so badly about myself that I felt that I "deserved" what he was calling me.
  I think that you should try to build up your confidence and trust in yourself(if it needs it) and then you will know what to do.
  If you are already confident-- maybe your gut is telling you to leave.
  The bottom line is that we don't deserve  to be treated poorly.I am so sorry .It is so hard and so lonely
                                                                                                        Love   Ami

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Lin.

I think you're in a very painful situation, and I'm sorry.
Nothing hurts more than when the dream of marriage begins to deflate.
For everyone the honeymoon ends sometimes. But that's when a healthy marriage shifts into an even deeper bond of friendship plus bouts of passion, instead of passion plus bouts of friendship. When it's the latter, it's hard to sustain without paying a very great price.

Does that make sense to you?

I'm glad you're here to talk about your life.
I know you will receive as much wise counsel as you could ask for.

welcome again,
Hopalong

[ZombieAlly]

Annabelle,

I just read your post. I am also married to a N (with 2 children a S 3 1/2 and a D 2) and I am in the process of filing for divorce.  It is the best and most empowering decision I ever made.  I find myself still somewhat trapped in his drama, but I am breaking free - slowly but surely. 

What helped me was to go to a T and telling her that I wanted a divorce.  I went back and forth, but on one of the days I was set on a D, I went to see a lawyer.  I retained him.  I made a list of things that I had to do in order for me to separate from my N and get divorced.  I also made a list of his lies and bad behavior and why I want to leave him.  Whenever I feel myself drawn in (my N knows just want to say to keep me in compliance) - I just re-read the list (easier said than done - I know - some days easier than others).  Also, I try to limit all contact - ignoring him is the best thing.  My N tends to seek out other people who he can suck dry and he leaves me alone for a while.  If your N does that - when he leaves you alone - that is when you can do your planning.  Your list willl be your road map to get healthy - oh and don't let your N in on it.  It has to be completely secret until you are ready to go. 

I believe that this is the best thing for me and my children.  They need to be away from their F and I need to be a healthy role model.  My S will know that if he treats a woman the way his F treated his M - she will leave him.  My D will know that if a man treats her the way her F treated her M - then she is to leave.  That is the biggest lesson I want to teach my kids.  If I stay I know they will be more damaged than if I leave. 

I know that it is scary.  But when you break free and start to make your own decisions - you will feel lighter and less burdened.  On the days I feel particularly stressed I look at my list of things to do and tackle them one step at a time.  And I know eventually I will have this divorce and I can be free of him - never completelly - I know cuz of the kids - but mentally free from the prison he erected in my mind. 

I hope that this helps.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  And if you and the kids have someplace to go where you can stay for a while - or if you can kick his a$$ out of the house - that would be the best and then you can really start removing him from your life.

Take care,
ZAlly   

[Lin]

I still haven't gone... Every time I "really" think about it... think about never seeing him again... never hearing his voice again... it hurts SO bad. I cry every time. I don't know why. He just tells me to stop being a baby. He got medicine for anxiety/depression and now he says with the medicine, he's not afraid of being alone anymore. He said we were together for as long as we were b/c he was afraid. He tells me he loves me but that we will never work and last night told me I need to leave within a week. I can't stand it that he would try to put a timeline on it like that... and it makes me want to stay just to show him that he can't tell me what to do and when.

The only place I have to go is to live with my mom and grandma... which isn't the worst thing in the world I guess... but it's certainly not the greatest either. I love them very much... but I wouldn't be able to take my dogs with me and I would be in a little room with no door and they both smoke (I don't) so I end up convincing myself that I would maybe be more miserable. (although in the back of my mind, I know it would only be for a few months until I got my own place). My husband says he will take care of my dogs until I have my own place and I can come back to get them afterwards. It's just hard. I don't know if I'm strong enough.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support. A little at a time... it really does help a lot in the end. I know it will only help to build me up and make me stronger. Thank you.

[Ami]

Dear Lin,
I am sorry that I did not see your post earlier. What a terrible situation you are in. My heart goes out to you-- so much pain.
  I pray that you will find the best path out of the pain-- whatever that path is.
   I am so, so, so very sorry.   (((((((((((((((((((( Lin)))))))))))))))))                   Love  Ami
 

[renee]

leave him while your kids are young. Twenty one years of that will make you crazy. Two kids and he has done so much damage Im not sure what there lives hold.
                               renee (stuck)

[lighter]

Generally...... divorcing with small children is difficult, even under the best of circumstances.

When the spouse cares only for himself/herself.... then it's up to the parent who cares about the children to protect them... and themselves, as a priority.

By that I mean, physically, emotionally and fiscally.

Talking to an attorney is wise.

Talking to several is better.

Socking some money away is appropriate.

Finding supporters is a good thing.

Find out what your rights are.

Women, who care for children are some of the most vulnerable people in divorce court..... right after the children.

The court doesn't care about anyone, they punish the Defendant and Plaintiff bc they don't want to deal with property disputes in divorce cases.

Find an ex District Attorney if you can and make it clear that this is no ordinary case.

They all assume everyone's lying and exaggerating.... women are generally dismissed out of hand.

Be prepared for a long battle and jaw dropping sneakiness, underhanded acts from the N...... even regarding the children.

Get a tape recorder and learn how to use it... with the phone and on your person.  Remember that cellphones have to be held a distance away from the recording device or all you get is a heartstopping squeal, no good to anyone.

Document document document.

BTW..... no one has to go anywhere.... moving out that is... until the temporary hearing, usually heald between 30 and 45 days from the filing of the divorce action.

If there was any abuse in the relationship.... it needs to be listed on the complaint.

Think about what you want the visitation schedule to look like.

Do you think they'll be safe if N has them alone?

You'll be asked to list all your property, expenses and income.

Get paperwork together.

Make lists on computer and print them out so everyone can read them and you can go back and make changes.

Make sure N can't access your computer account.

You can create new ones, for free, and not share your password with anyone.

Good luck.  Get advice.  Don't let him move you off a solid plan of action.  Don't take the pressure off him when he squeals.  He just wants back you down so he can pounce.

[Lin]

Well, it's been a month since I've been on here. I'm sorry about that. For those of you wondering how I've been... thank you so much for caring. Things are getting better a little at a time. My husband has tried a few different medications and some work pretty well. We have both started telling each other we love each other more often. He has started telling me how pretty he thinks I am again. In the middle of just sittin' on the couch watchin' a tv show (it wasn't even about anything to do with love either) he just looked at me and said "I love you so much". He has stopped telling me to leave all the time... I think he maybe said it twice in the past month and he apologized the same day and said he didn't know why he said it. We think it became like a habbit and he's breaking the habbit over time. 2 times in a month is a huge cut back considering he used to say it almost every day for a while there.... and he never used to apologize. I actually have hope now, and I think we are making sincere progress. If anyone out there reading this thinks they could save their relationship.... make sure he is willing to go to a doctor immediately to find out if he has depression or something. It can change your life. However... if he has EVER hit you... leave immediately. That type of behavior NEVER deserves another chance.

Thank you all SOOOOO VERY MUCH! It's so nice that people out there actually cared about me. I hope we have all helped each other... I know you have helped me. I love all of you for it!

I will keep in touch from time to time.


Love,
Lin

[Ami]

Thanks Lin for writing. I am really glad that you are happy with your H. You sound like a very sweet person who should have s/one who appreciates you. Keep in touch,Lin.                       Love   Ami


((((((((((((((Lin)))))))))))))))