Are you afraid you show N traits?

[Screamer]

Screamer, good luck with the baby. Incidentally if your husband is sweet (like me ) he probably considers it a priviledge to give you extra help you when you need it. Its an honor to serve a really good wife

Mudpuppy,

Thank you for the well wishes.  My husband is very sweet.  He is very good to me and has even learned how to give me insulin shots.  We take turns cooking and actually counts the carbos for me when he cooks so I know exactly how much insulin to take.  

He is a wonderful man, he deserves the best.  I just want to be the best wife I can for him.  He is very special... as you must be also!

Screamer

[October]

Delete anything over a week old, but anything under a week stays. How about it? Would you do that if I asked....? See what you think, you could even apply conditions if you like.. P

You have to be joking!!!  OK, to look at this rationally, the adult you wants the adult me to commit to leaving posts for a week.

However, the adult me deletes these posts when little me starts to feel too vulnerable to anger or rejection.  So this is a safety thing.  You want me to commit to feeling unsafe for a week?  How do I then come back to read responses?  

Probably not possible to promise, because when the feelings take over they are very strong.  But I could try.  Far too visible at present, for example.  Will try to leave this post, but it may not last long.  

[Portia]

thank you for replying! I thought I was taking a Big Risk in asking you, yep...I did... okay....I give something in return...ouch...wriggle...okay I'll continue to sign-in when I post, no more hiding myself. While you don't touch your posts, I'll sign-in - would that work? I have no idea. Bargain? I'm in the dark here. Different things I know - deleting vs. signing-in, but probably similar motivation..(no I don't want to talk about it, but I'm happy to do it). Okay, way too much disclosure here, I better go and let these posts cover themselves up...without being deleted! Fingers crossedx

[Brigid]

Screamer,

Do not think that getting your MBA, dealing with your diabetes and trying to get pregnant are being self-absorbed.  You are trying to improve yourself, get healthy for a lifetime, and do the most selfless thing possible--become a parent.  

I struggled with trying to get pregnant too (21 years ago).  It is very stressful and frustrating.  You are blessed to have such a supportive husband.  I was finally able to have a healthy pregnancy after one miscarriage.  It was worth all the pain and aggrevation when my son was born.  When I tried to have a second child, I had one miscarriage and never got pregnant again.  My daughter is adopted and that was every bit as wonderful an experience as giving birth.  I wish you good luck in achieving your dream of having a child, however he/she comes into your life.

We become so sensitized to self-interest/self-absorption when we live with people who truly are that way that we cannot see just healthy self-caring and self-love.  Accept that it is OK to take care of you and those who love you will take care of you, too.  What goes around, comes around and you will give back when you need to.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

mum wrote,

"projection" has always confused me, but if that's what I described, perhaps I get it now??

I always assumed just from my own experience that it meant they would project some behavior they were actually doing onto some poor sap who wasn't. Whether this is out of guilt or to cover their tracks I don't know, but it is very common for my N.

October,
Thank you so much for explaining how your phobia crept up on you. Maybe it will begin creeping away without you knowing it. Maybe it already has!
I really, really like reading your posts and have very much appreciated your comments, however if you aren't comfortable leaving them then delete away. I'm sure you know Portia was acting out of love.

Screamer wrote,

He is very special... as you must be also!

  I promise I did not send her a PM asking her to write that.

God bless all

mudpup

[Screamer]

Screamer wrote,

He is very special... as you must be also!

  I promise I did not send her a PM asking her to write that.

mudpup

I wrote it of my own volition and I stand by it!  

Screamer

[mum]

OK, I am clueless again. Portia/October, you mean you can go back and delete any of your own posts?  Must one be signed in to do that?  I totally get why October would want to do that!  But if I just don't look at mine if I think they are stupid, they cease to exist. It's only words, October...it's not really you except for the moment.  NOW is all we have and posts only exist while we write them, while we read them..........they do have a strange life, don't they?

[October]

OK, I am clueless again. Portia/October, you mean you can go back and delete any of your own posts?  Must one be signed in to do that?  I totally get why October would want to do that!  But if I just don't look at mine if I think they are stupid, they cease to exist. It's only words, October...it's not really you except for the moment.  NOW is all we have and posts only exist while we write them, while we read them..........they do have a strange life, don't they?

Remember the Native American and Arab belief about photographs?  That they capture your soul?

If you write very personal things down, then you leave yourself exposed.  Sometimes that is not a good thing to do.  

I love Patz punch card image.  That is very useful - good or bad is just another hole in the card.  What does the odd mistake matter, when the majority are going to be on the right side.

Also, I am aware that in my musings I have not validated Screamer at all.  Sorry.     Sin of omission.  I also think you are doing a wonderful job of coping.  I too was taught that to think of myself and look after myself was to be selfish, but that is a lie.  It is an act of generousity to those around us.      

What is truly selfish is for Nparents to teach children that their feelings are not valid, and their needs are not important.  What our parents meant is that our feelings are not valid to them, and not important to them, but their own feelings and needs certainly got centre stage, all the time.

[October]

Maybe it will begin creeping away without you knowing it. Maybe it already has!
I really, really like reading your posts and have very much appreciated your comments, however if you aren't comfortable leaving them then delete away. I'm sure you know Portia was acting out of love.

Doncha just love optimists!!!!  Yes, maybe the symptoms are lessening.  But the important thing is to survive, and I am doing that very well.     Well, maybe in my own special dysfunctional way, but hell, I am still here!!

Thanks for saying you like my posts.  You are right; Portia always acts out of love; I think she would be hard pressed to do anything else.  But as you no doubt realise from her post above, this is an issue that resonates with her, and therefore is not just my issue.  So we can help one another.  What I find hard to do for myself, I can do for her.  I can not delete posts until the cows come home, if it helps Portia sign in and feel safer.  

((((Portia))))

[Portia]

October, I just got the urge to beat myself up in response to your very kind words (like this: when I was sending out all that anger towards people here, whooo, that didn’t seem very loving) and hey, I’m not too loving towards certain attitudes either. But … yes, the underlying motivation is protection, exposure of a possible threat – it’s not to beat an ‘opposition’ for gratification as such, so I guess…you could be right  This exchange makes me feel safer, safer about being honest and vulnerable, thank you ((October)) (and everyone else).  Now I feel slushy.   Intimacy alert!   Gotta go!  
Keeping the sign-in pledge, P

[October]

Keeping the sign-in pledge, P

Well done for signing in, Portia.  Give yourself a gold star!!!!!  

I hope you feel safe enough to return soon.  You are needed here.  xxxxxxx

[longtire]

Screamer, us men have protective insticts that kick in during "pregnancy" too.  We become highly motivated to love, take care of and protect 2 of the poeple we love the most in the world.  Your husband can't be pregnant for you, but he can try to carry as much of the other stuff as possible.  I think that if you tell him that you love him, are concerned about him, appreciate his help and are glad that he's your partner in this, it will greatly appreciated by him.  Men like to feel useful and appreciated by their wives.  

October and Portia, I am learning from your ingenious ability to bend the "rules."  I usually see things as all or nothing.  It never would have occurred to me to delete posts or not sign in as a way to limit my exposure to yucky feelings.  I would have just sat around in a dark room by myself until I was willing to post and leave everything up, no matter how long it took me to get to that point.  Wait... that IS what I did.     I so like the idea of taking smaller steps and dealing with my reactions and getting used to it before taking the next step.  Watching you to see how that's done.

[Anonymous]

Lontire: by "us men"  you must be referring to those nice guys like you.  My pregnancy experience was much different, unfortunately, but that was with an N!
Screamer: You are amazing.  And I'm certain your sweet husband knows this. I know a couple (wonderful people )who just had their second child, and the mom is diabetic.  She is a professional dancer, and very on top of things, a great mom.  You will do fine.

[longtire]

Guest, you are abolutely right!  Sometimes I get so used to the openness and caring of people here, that I forget to preface my remarks on men/women/people with "good," "decent", "open," "caring," etc.  I'm sorry to hear you had a less than supportive "partner" during your pregnancy.  Would you like to share your experience with us?

[mum]

Hey, longtire, forgot to add that the last post was me, Mum.  Sorry, no new story to tell.  I did and continue to do all the parenting alone.  Water under the bridge.  
I do wish sometimes that I had a chance to have children with my (now and long ago, then) fiance.  I had my chance with him and blew that one 24 years ago.  But as he says now (about our respective children from different marriages) "we do have children together!"  Isn't he great?

Ok, did any of that make sense? Try this: I am now engaged to a man that I was engaged to decades ago, but I was a self hating idiot then, so I left him, moved 3000 miles away and married an N jerk, an another N jerk and didn't speak to said nice guy for 21 or so years (although he appeared in my dreams with regularity).  
But it's ok, neither one of us would trade our kids out for different ones!!!  And we found each other again.  So nice guys DO get the girl (eventually).