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cindy:
Annabelle,

What I was most scared of was what he told me I was, did, etc.  When I detoxed, I realized I was OK - not perfect, but OK.  Nothing is harder than being with someone who makes you miserable, and controls whan you breathe.  Your storyabout the sunglasses sounds so familiar.  For me, it is joy to put my glasses anywhere I want.  Why shouldn't I?

Best wishes, and tell me what you decide.

Jaded911:
Hi Annabelle,

I have read your post about your husband.  I want you to know how lucky you are actually.  Let me explain what I mean.  I have been out of my N relationship for 4 months now.  The relationship lasted right at two years.  This man that I dated has full custody of his 5 yr old daughter.  I have 3 children of my own and I welcomed the chance to love this girl as if she was my own.  About 6-8 months into our relationship, she began to have some problems at her preschool.  She was demonstrating alot of anger, she would throw temper tantrums, and there were alot of other behavior issues with her going on at that time.  I went in her room one night and I got down to her level so she would feel comfortable talking to me.  I sat down on the floor where she was playing with her barbies.  At this point of the relationship she was calling me Mindy Mommy.  At first it was Mindy, progressed to Mindy Mommy at the time of our talk.  So as I sat down on the floor I began to ask her what she had on her mind.  It was just her and I at that time in her room.  I said, "honey, why have you been angry at school lately?  Is somebody picking on you?  You can tell me anything and I promise you I won't get angry with you, I just really feel sad that you are sad".  I had my back to the door so I did not see my xN walk up to the door.  She began to cry and she said "I want to have a mommy that comes to pick me up from school.  Nobody else has a Mindy Mommy, they just have the one that got them(her words exactly, isnt that precious)  I told her I understood and that it made me sad to know that.  I asked her what I could do to make her sad face go away?  She began to cry, like I am now thinking about my conversation with her, then she said, "I just want you to be my mommy, and I dont want you to go away".  I turned around and he was in the door.  He came in and sat down on the floor with us and he asked her if that is what would turn her face into a happy face.  She shook her head yes.  I looked at this little girl, I spoke words to her that I later have play over again and again in my head.  I told her that if she wanted me to be her mommy, It would not only make her have a happy face, but I would have the biggest happy face she has ever seen if she would have me as her mommy.  She came over to me and I hugged her so tight and I suddenly realized how much that little girl meant to me.  I loved her so much.  I told her when she came to me and sat on my lap to look me in the eyes.  I said "honey you look at me, I would love to be your mommy, and you can call me anything you want, if you want to call me mommy, that is your decision.  I promise you that I will NEVER EVER LEAVE you.  You are so loved by me, if anyone ever makes that sad face come back, you have mommy to make you happy.  Mommy loves you and I want you to know how special you are to me".  My xN hugged both of us and told her how mommy and daddy loved her so so much, nothing would ever make me go away and that her mommy would start picking her up from school.  Her happy face would be there when her mommy picked her up.  This little girl meant the world to me, to my kids, and we loved her so very much.  Guess what Annabelle?  As with all Nist, the first thing they reach inside of you and pull out to stomp on that hurts you the most is what will hurt you the most.  This little girl that I came to love like my own was used over and over and over again by this cruel man.  
During an episode with him I tried calming him down by leaving the situation until he cooled off.  As I was walking out the door he yelled to his daughter "yup another mommy F** walking out the door on ya Amanda, she is as F** worthless as your first one.  She loves you about as much as the first B**ch did, she is walking out just like the first one.  
Later that night I checked my email.  He had sent me an email with a huge blown up picture of this little sweety.  He wrote and I quote exactly what he said,"You F** Indian giving B***, you promised to be this little girls mommy.  You F** two faced B**.  You look into those eyes and you know that you broke this little girls heart.  I want you to look into those eyes every single F** miserable day of your life and know that you are nothing but a liar.  Know that when you promised to never leave her, you were teaching her that all F** mommies run out on her.  You F** B**.  This little girl meant nothing to you.  You look at this picture every day and I hope that you ache over what you did to her".

Annabelle, you have the chance to leave with your children.  You have a chance to walk out that door with your children, I did not.  I did not have a chance to snatch that little girl up from that madness.  She is trapped in this hell of a life with him, I had no rights with her.  I wanted so much to take this little girl that I loved as my own.  Save your children Annabelle.  If you have daughters, do not let them grow up thinking that it is normal for a man to treat a woman like this.  Show them that a woman can stand alone without a man in her life.  I could not do this with that little girl Annabelle.  There is no protection for her in place with this man now.  You have the right and the responsibility to give those kids an emotionally stable foundation.  This is impossible while living with a N.  Please, you gave them life, give them a chance to live a happy one.  I could not offer this for my little sweety, I had no legal rights with her.  You not only have all the legal right to do what is best for your children, but as a mother, you have a moral obligation to give them what is in the best interest for their future.  God, I only wish I could have been so lucky to offer this to my new found daughter, she was so precious.  What do you feel her future holds?  You know the answer to that, prevent your children from suffering the same torture that she is bound to suffer.  
See how lucky you are?  Be strong Annabelle, if you don't feel strong enough to feel you can do it for yourself, fake it until you make it for the sake of your childrens well being.  Get the hell out while your children have time to recuperate from this N hell they have been brought into.  Children truly deserve better than this.  They need nurturing and they need role models who demonstrate strength during adversity.  Be strong for your children, I promise you the rewards will be plentifull.

annabelle:
Hi Jaded,

Let me first say that your three biological children are so lucky to have you.  You sound like such a warm, welcoming, sensitive woman.  Amanda was also so lucky to have you.  We can only hope that she holds the love you gave her (real love, not N-love) in her heart and spirit to help her know she really is lovable.  I don't know what to say about her feeling like you abandoned her.  Of course you did not, but your ex-N is being emotionally abusive to her to make her think you did.  Hopefully she will keep the love of people who get close to her in her heart and in her head, grow to realize her father is the problem and the one his women friends have "abandoned."  Amanda needed you, and you were there for her.  Nobody can take that away.  I hope you can feel stronger with each passing N-free day.  Congratulations on getting out.

Thank you so much for your eye-opener.  I now realize I am lucky (albeit in the unlucky scenario of being a victim of a narcissist.)  I can keep and save my kids and I will.  I'm just feeling soooooooooooo guilty about "abandoning" my husband - he's acting like we're moving forward rather than getting ready to break apart  - i.e. "let's plan a trip alone together w/o the kids"  "let's plan an international trip" etc etc.  I KNOW he's manipulating me and turning on the charm in desperation and that usually he is Mr. Hyde rather than Dr. Jeckyl (or the other way around?)
and I know deep down he DOES know I'm leaving him - I've told him several times I plan to divorce him.  But, I just feel sooooo sorry for him that he is a narcissist.  I mean, he got to be an N because of unfortunate conditions growing up, and, because he is an N, he will never be happy.  I just feel so bad and sorry for him.  ALTHOUGH, I feel sorry for myself as well, and for my children.  And, I know that he will NEVER be happy (regardless of if I go or if I stay), and, that I will hurt him by leaving, but if I stay, he will hurt me (and my children) every day for the rest of my life.  So, rationally I know I will leave but emotionally it's crushing me.  I'm not scared of my future or my kids' future - rather, excited, but just sad for him.  

I got one job offer for January to start, and am waiting on another which I'm quite sure I got, so I'm looking at rental places as we speak, but I'm shocked that "this is it" - once I write a check for a rental deposit, I will be moving out secretly (I feel like I'm sneaking around and lying) and then tell him.  Finally, I'm wondering about the "No contact" rule - how it's done with kids (you need contact if you share kids).  And, how much to let him visit with them, how much the kids need him, etc.  I want to do what's best for the children w/o exposing them too much to narcissism so they don't become Ns.  I might post on these last 2 subjects, but if anyone has advice right now, I'd love to read it.

Thanks again Jaded, and I hope you find peace soon.

Annabelle

annabelle:
Cindy,

"Nothing is harder than living with someone who makes you miserable and controls when you breathe."  SO TRUE!  THANK YOU for the simple truth.  It's just so simple - the Ns make us miserable, even if we're happy with everything else in our lives!  This is why I love my career, I love my kids, my friends, my hobbies, etc etc but I'm on prozac for the first and only time in my life, diagnosed with minor depression from ongoing stress of my relationship.  No matter how much prozac I take, though, my marriage does not seem more rosy.  It's just so HARD living as an N-partner!  In the words of Tiny Tim, "God bless us, everyone!"  

Annabelle

hope2003:
anabelle:

i was married to my N for 6 years.  We tried 5 different marriage counselors.  Some where better than others.  Our last counselor was really good.  when the counselor focused in on the N, the N raged and quit.  The N was good at going through the motions, but it was impossible for him to do the inner work.

I wasted a lot of good years waiting for a breakthrough.  The N is worse than ever.  I hope that you will gain someone wisdom from our experiences.

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