Has anyone learned how to celebrate your birthday?

[chutzbagirl]

Hi,  this is my first posting.  I've been detatched from my N mom for over a year.  Pretty sure relationship will not be an option due to her contempt for my faith and overall lack of respect and love.  Turning away has been very hard for me.  I wish it could be different but realize she will never change.  Detatching from Mom meant loss of brother and Uncle - it was a package deal.

Her birthday just passed and I was amazed at the intensity of the grief.  Thought I was doing pretty well and was slammed.  My birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I'm actually fearful.  I'm afraid of more grief and the inability to know what I need to have a good day.  For some strange reason I have no idea what to do and nothing sounds fun.  (Maybe I'll sneak away and see a movie while the kids are in school. )

Recovery is hard work.  Birthdays have always been a trigger for me.  Maybe because I actually wanted to be the center of attention during my birthday as a child?  If you've got an N parent you know that would have been impossible.  Having a spouse that's not big into birthdays doesn't really help.  

Anyways, I'm interested to hear how you have dealt with birthdays.  

Thanks,

Chutzbagirl

[Portia]

Hi chutzbagirl and welcome!   Birthdays have been a PIG for me too! I’ve tried to give them up, lose any importance attached to them, so instead I’m nicely surprised by good things.

I’ll try some advice: don’t expect others to anticipate your needs, instead, tell people what you want – otherwise they won’t know. How about:

“Dear Hubby, this is going to be a tough birthday for me because of my mom. I’d really like you to do some things for me if you want to.

I’d like a birthday cake, with a candle on it! And I’d like that in the morning before you leave for work/school.

I’d like a CD of x music, or this book x and a bunch of flowers. And those would make me really happy.”

Could you do that chutzbagirl, ask for what you might want? What do you think? best, P

PS. Try not to think about your mom on your birthday, think of your own family. She doesn’t deserve your thoughts on your birthday.

[October]

Birthdays are always horrible.  Mainly, for me, because I remember always crying at some point on my birthdays when I was young.  Different reasons every time, but at some point I would be upset and crying, and would realise that it had been the same the year before.  Eventually there was a great string of these disappointing or hurting days.  Ns like to build up our expectations, but they have no idea how to make it all work.    

These days I usually try to have lunch with a friend.  Can't always be done, depending what day it is.  Otherwise I try to expect nothing, and treat it just as any other day.

However, I hope you have a good day, and it is a good idea to decide what you would like in advance and say so, as Portia suggests.

[sleepyhead]

Hi Chutzbagirl!
Birthdays have always been a trigger for me too (although I didn't really realize it until I read your post), both mine and others, I feel sooo strongly that everyone should get to be happy on their birthday. We probably feel this way because as children we wanted at least one day of the year when we would be happy and seen and loved. I also have a partner who isn't too particular about about birthdays (if his parents forget to call him, he doesn't really care), but I've sat down with him and explained to him that although it might not be a big deal in his family, it is to me. Have you done that? Even if you have, it might be a good idea to do it again under the new circumstances. You also have children of school age, so I'm sure you will get a few lovely hand-made presents and attention from them (provided you and husband make sure they know when it is). As you suggested in your post, you also have the option of spoiling yourself this particular day, you can give yourself the love and attention that your mother didn't give you. If all else fails, try to think that these days you get love and attention all year round from your children and your husband (I hope), so maybe this day doesn't have to have so much of an all-or-nothing feel to it. Tough to do, I know, but I think I just gave myself some excellent advice , so I'll try doing this as well when I get to my next birthday! Meanwhile, hope I could help, take care and a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!

[October]

Just thought of something else.  When is your birthday, Chutzbagirl?  Would you like to have a party here?

<Starts blowing up balloons>

[Cadbury]

I used to get really unhappy on birthdays ( not that I had to suffer N parents - heart goes out to those of you that did). Then last year I decided to act for ME. YEs, ME ME ME!! (Ahh a hidden narc tendancy!). I decided what I would like for my birthday and then told people. SO I booked a restaurant and told people that they could come for MY birthday. I sent out a list with gift ideas and told my mum and dad to pay!! I did exactly what I wished someone else would do for me. May sound mad, but it was my first birthday without a partner and I am still getting over my ex so I treated myself. Once I started seeing a birthday as a ME day and let myself free to do whatever I wanted, however selfishly, then I felt a whole lot better. This may not work for everyone, but just a suggestion. DIY birthdays!!!

Hey I should have bought presents and made people pay me!!

[chutzbagirl - thanks]

Hi everybody - thanks for your replies.  Portia, I took your advice and asked my husband for what I needed.  I lead a children's program on Wendesday nights - my b-day is this Wednesday - and asked him to bring a cake to the program.  I'm an extravert so celebrating in private doesn't quite do it for me.  My husband is an introvert so he has to stretch to give me what I need.    

It is so painful to ask for what I want or need.  I started crying just asking for a cake.  Someday my emotional age will catch up to my chronological age.  I'm beginning to realize that I beat myself up a lot for experiencing pain.  There is an internal expectation to "have it all together" and be needless.  I guess that's what those of us with N parents are taught.

Hope you all have a good day.  I'm off to counseling!

[Portia]

You’re an extravert and you’re having a cake in public? Yayyyy!  Good!

October, carry on with those balloons, I’m going to get some of those really garish Happy Birthday banners. So pleased for you chutzbagirl. You do have to tell introverts what to do, otherwise we’ll think you’ll be happy with a quiet evening at home (I would be). Good news, thank you

[kylo]

I am sorry you went through pain on your birthday.  I have recently severed a relationship with my N father.  An mine comes as a package deal as well - mother and siblings, aunts and uncles.  My N father has convinced everyone he is in the right and that he is GOD.  A common behvioral trait of a DNP.  I didn't think I would have a hard time on my recent b-day March 5th, but I did.  I was deeply saddened that my mother didn't even call me.  It was like it never happened.  In the future, I have decided it is my day, I'm glad I was born and I will celebrate my new found life without the toxicity of an N in my life.  Good luck to you.

[bunny]

chutzbagirl,

Welcome and I'm glad you took care of yourself for your B-day. I believe in DIY birthdays and planning one own's special day. We can't leave it to others, they may screw it up! I'm at an age where I prefer to downplay the whole thing. My way of observing it is to start buying myself birthday gifts 2 months in advance. And maybe for a month or two after my birthday...

bunny

[bunny]

For those whose parents ignore their birthdays, I want to say, I'm sorry they are so cold and heartless. I wish a big *HAPPY BIRTHDAY* to all of you!

bunny

[Anonymous]

I would like to chime in with bunny.

Happy Birthday, chutzbagirl!  

Happy Belated Birthday, Kylo!

 
Mia

[Greta]

Birthdays are hard for me, and I always thought it was just me.  My nmother made a big deal out of my birthday, probably because she can't really tell where she stops and I begin, so my birthday was a way for her to celebrate herself.  And to compound this, I was born on my nfather's birthday, so it was never really my own birthday--I had to share it with him.  When I started therapy I realized I'd never enjoyed my birthday.  I had no idea what I might like to do.  As an introvert, I finally chose a trip with my husband to a bed and breakfast in an artsy town with bookstores etc.  I did nothing with my family.  It was very scary at first--I thought I was doing something wrong.  I assumed doing what I wanted on *my* birthday was selfish.  I couldn't do it unless I left town altogether--escaped.  Gradually over the past 4 years I've gotten to the point that I can stay in town, if that's what I desire--I don't have to flee(though I still don't invite family to my birthday).  

Greta

[October]

OOOOOOOOO
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[Anonymous]

October

Cool balloons!

How sweet.