simple question

[kevin]

There are three children with one father who is a narcissist. Why is it that one is profoundly affected while the other two seem to be well adjusted. Does it make a difference that the affected one is the middle child and only son? Any thoughts would be appreciated,

Kevin

[Kaz]

It's a bit hard to comment Kevin, with such little information. How old are the children? How do you know the girls are well adjusted and the son's a narcissist? etc.
 
However, I have a theory on this based on the assumption that the wife/mother is an enabler/supplier. The girls will be taught to be suppliers also who will do as their Mum does (and be compliant, never complain and be 'well adjusted') and the son will learn his behaviour from his Dad because he sees that it works well for him.
Simplistic role model behaviour.

[October]

There are three children with one father who is a narcissist. Why is it that one is profoundly affected while the other two seem to be well adjusted. Does it make a difference that the affected one is the middle child and only son? Any thoughts would be appreciated,

Kevin

I can't comment on your situation, Kevin, but I can tell you about mine, which parallels it in some ways.

I am the middle of three children, and the only one who appears from the outside to be affected by my Nmum.  My two brothers both have good jobs, and a life.

However, if you scratch beneath the surface you find a different story.  Older brother is heavily in denial of the abuse he suffered, and as a consequence is passing it on to his three boys, all of whom are emotionally damaged, imo.  He married a woman as emotionally distant as our mum, and it shows.  Nice enough (?) person, but not maternal.  When the boys need a hug, they go to their dad.  

Younger brother lives abroad.  He appears to be the successful international businessman, but in fact is the spoiled younger child, doing what he likes with little forward planning, or thought for others.  He seems the most N in his behaviours, of the three of us.  He is not without concern, but it has to be on his terms, and in his own way.

I am the one in the middle.  I saw the abuse which the oldest suffered, and remembered it when he couldn't.  I also see the abuse of the children now, which everyone else pretends is not there.  I married an alcoholic, and took many years to extricate myself from that, damaging my health in the process.  Since then I have learned a lot about N behaviour, and what it does to people.

N behaviour affects everyone around.  Not just the ones who recognise it and stop playing happy families.

In terms of role models, I don't feel that I had one in my mother.  My dad was my role model, and although I was not a boy, I always felt as if I should have been.  Not that I want to change, you understand.  Just that I had a clear idea of what it was to be a man, and no idea whatever of how to be a woman, or that I would one day become one.  Great shock when that happened.      (Women were insane in my family story.  Translated into English that means they show their emotions; that equates to being insane.)

[sleepyhead]

Hi there! I guess you are that middle child? Never mind, i'm just going to assume you are for the sake of argument. I too can only help you by telling bits of my story. I am the younger of two daughters, the black sheep. My sister is very ambitious, works hard and looks very together from the outside, while I am the unambitious,"lazy" and rebellious one who screams at my Nmother when I'm hurt. I read that the Nparent often assigns different "roles" for their children; one child is there to fulfill their narcissistic ideals and so becomes the workaholic in denial of their feelings, another child may be assigned and groomed to bear the Nparents inner pain and despair. The Nparent can't stand to feel the pain himself, so makes his child feel it instead. I read this in "Trapped in the Mirror" by Elan Golomb, which I strongly recommend (but be prepared to want to strangle your father when you read it).

[October]

I read that the Nparent often assigns different "roles" for their children; one child is there to fulfill their narcissistic ideals and so becomes the workaholic in denial of their feelings, another child may be assigned and groomed to bear the Nparents inner pain and despair.

I can vouch for this.  My parents have done this to the grandchildren as well.  The older one is 'put upon', and the middle one 'gets away with murder' and is 'crafty' (huge animosity towards him, in fact), while the youngest is 'just a baby'.  There is also a family myth that they are uncontrollable, and wild.  Pretty well everyone buys into this, to avoid saying that my brother and his wife are inadequate parents.

In actuality, they are all lovely, perfectly normal (if hurt), little boys.  And if you set clear boundaries, they behave well enough.

[Bliz]

"In terms of role models, I don't feel that I had one in my mother. My dad was my role model, and although I was not a boy, I always felt as if I should have been. Not that I want to change, you understand. Just that I had a clear idea of what it was to be a man, and no idea whatever of how to be a woman, or that I would one day become one. Great shock when that happened.   (Women were insane in my family story. Translated into English that means they show their emotions; that equates to being insane."

Wow, this hit a nerve with me. Had a very difficult time identifying with my femininity, as a youth, as it equated to "crazy" for me also.  Seemed like men in general , had it made.  They could do whatever they want and not be punished.  They seemed bold, adventurous, daring, courageous.  I wanted to be all these things and I guess I have.

Although not gay, I think for a while I really supressed my feminine side.  Have been working for years to bring it back with some success.  It is difficult when you mother is considered crazy and the men seem to be enjoying all of life's perks without drawbacks like pregnancy, whispers of your reputation, being called a bitch etc.

I thought the world had evolved beyond this but in many ways it hasnt.  Still things are better in general for women these days.  I try to remember  that my grandmother, who was an older grandparent for  my generation, grew up when woman couldnt even vote.  IT wasnt that long ago folks.  Pretty amazing when you think how far things changed from say the 1920's to the 1970's.  

Still it irks me that the struggle is still there, particularly it seems for women in Nar families.

[sleepyhead]

Oh, now you got me started on this one! I've been thinking about starting a thread on it for a couple of days, so I think I will, so we don't end up hijacking Kevin's thread. And if Kevin thinks it relates he can always join us on that one as well, sound ok?

[Anonymous]

Regarding my situation:

EX N targets my daughter (7) and always has.  He has made it known that he prefers my son (5) .

He has stated in the past that he prefers boys.  He said he couldn't even stand our dog b/c she was female.

My son is definitely better off emotionally right now but I think that has more to do with his age.....he's oblivious to most things.  

Thankfully, the time they spend with Dad is limited and is offset by therapy and by me.

From what I understand N's will target a particular child and thrust their rage upon that child.

I'm still fairly new to learning about Narcissism.  Just my opinion.
mia

[October]

Regarding my situation:

EX N targets my daughter (7) and always has.  He has made it known that he prefers my son (5) .

He has stated in the past that he prefers boys.  He said he couldn't even stand our dog b/c she was female.

Just a suggestion, but it sounds like this is a projection.  What he actually hates is the 'feminine' bits of himself; he has not embraced them and learned to accept them as part of himself, so he gives them to anything around him that is female, and then hates them.  Perhaps he was laughed at as a child for crying when he was hurt or somesuch.

Boys suffer a great deal from this kind of emotional constriction, and it does a lot of harm, imo.

[Stormchild]

Same-sex competitiveness from Ns really jumps out all over this board, doesn't it? My Nmom did the same to me that yours did, Sleepy, I'll go to your thread later to tell. But it looks like Nmoms target their daughters and Ndads their sons an awful lot of the time, just from comparing experiences here. Of course, the ones the Ns aren't trying to destroy, they're draining dry, so nobody escapes.

[Anonymous]

What he actually hates is the 'feminine' bits of himself; he has not embraced them and learned to accept them as part of himself, so he gives them to anything around him that is female, and then hates them. Perhaps he was laughed at as a child for crying when he was hurt or somesuch.

His Mom is very much emotionally detached and very cold.

As a child X N was forced to participate in his Mom's ballet school and had to wear costumes, etc.  The only pic of X N in his Mom's home is one of him in a costume.  The first time I noticed the pic was during a visit to X MIL's home and I brought it to X N's attention by saying, "Look how cute".  His reaction was a blank stare.  After we departed I received a tongue lashing from him during the car ride home over the pic.  He obviously had a lot of anger over it.

Sorry for going off topic.
mia

[bunny]

There are three children with one father who is a narcissist. Why is it that one is profoundly affected while the other two seem to be well adjusted. Does it make a difference that the affected one is the middle child and only son? Any thoughts would be appreciated

Children deal with trauma in different ways. Some are more sensitive to it. Some have been "chosen" by the parent to be the garbage container. Some have a genetically sensitive temperament. It's dependent on the child's neural system and the parent's behavior toward the child. Parents don't behave identically to each child, nor does each child put the same interpretation on it.

Ns may target an older child, a middle child, a girl, a boy. Each family is different. I would say look at your N-father and ask yourself whether he would choose one particular child to project most of his garbage into (garbage could actually be high expectations; it's anything that the father can't deal with emotionally).

In my family the middle child is seriously screwed up. She's a mess and everyone else is ostensibly functioning better. Of course I've been in therapy for decades so I might have ended up like her if I hadn't gotten help.

bunny

[mudpup]

Hey Kevin,

Why don't you tell us more about your story? How do you think the son is affected?
Are you the son or the father, or neither?
Its very difficult to answer you with so little info.

mudpuppy