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Nparents and depression

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Anonymous:
Dear nightsong,

My question is, "how could one NOT be depressed" having spent a lifetime denying yourself?  Create a picture in your mind of yourself as a small child.  When you have that clear, imagine yourself going to your parent or parents time and again asking for someone to take care of your needs.  The response is always the same, NO.  The because part will change for each of us but the short answar is always the same.  For me it was "I don't have time for you right now", "stop making such a nusiance of yourself", "you're hopeless, stop bothering me", etc, etc.  After awhile, you KNOW that you're not important and begin repressing or denying your needs - a feeling of worthlesnes is established and the joy of experiencing your place in the world is either limited or gone.  You have never learned the process of taking care of yourself since it was NEVER taught.  Now ask yourself, how could you NOT be depressed.

The process of reestablishing myself as a worthy human being has been a long and rocky road.  I first had to acknowledge and accept that my mother had NO capacity to do any different than she did, which did not happen overnight.  That was so hard for me because, as you, I believed that if I just found the right key, I could help her realize that she really did love me.  It sounds so pathetic now but I spent a huge part of my adult life engaged in that Herculian task.

Then, the search for "who the heck am separate from this woman?"  I can honestly say that I did not have a clue about acknowleding my own need let along figuring out a way to believe that I deserved having what I wanted.  I was trained in self-denial and subordination - her first and if it should ever happen that there was anything left over, well maybe as long as it didn't piss her off!  As I become more aware of the people and things that nurture and please me I'm amazed by how difficult it still is to ask for what I need without huge fear that I'll be told the things that conditioned me as a child.

Can this be accomplished while still in relationship with the N parent?  I am trying.  My mother is 86 years old and I continue to distance myself from her emotionally and physically.  I still have to mentaly prepare myself for contact with her - make sure my defenses are never down and expect NOTHING from her.

Dr. Grossman writes about finding your voice and that is true on so many levels.  One way is to choose just ONE thing every day that brings you some joy, claim your right to it and enjoy the heck out of it.  You will actually begin to believe that you can have needs met without a big hammer falling on your head or being hit by a bus that you didn't even hear comming.

I wish you all the best and hope you'll stay connected as you grow stronger (and you will).

Pat:
Still get this log in thing messed up -

That guest was me, Pat

katrina:
thank you rozencranz!!! :D  
i just hope i get it finished.
gotta be in tomorrow and ive been so busy at work lately that i only started the buggar today.my fault really!!!
Cheers m8!! :D

guest:
This is nightsong again- can't work out how to post as me, it says 'user name already taken'?

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It is wonderful to hear your experiences and understand the common thread for us all - we were simply not valued as children and now we have to value ourselves.

I was thinking about the narcissistic elements of actually being depressed - getting self absorbed, having no energy for other people's needs. Maybe even that is learnt from our N parents, or maybe it's a desperate attempt to finally get what we need - a break from having to care endlessly for someone who doesn't care for us.

Thanks again, you are lovely people.

guest:
This is nightsong again- can't work out how to post as me, it says 'user name already taken'?

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It is wonderful to hear your experiences and understand the common thread for us all - we were simply not valued as children and now we have to value ourselves.

I was thinking about the narcissistic elements of actually being depressed - getting self absorbed, having no energy for other people's needs. Maybe even that is learnt from our N parents, or maybe it's a desperate attempt to finally get what we need - a break from having to care endlessly for someone who doesn't care for us.

Thanks again, you are lovely people.

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