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Nparents and depression

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Clueless:
Hey nightsong,

That last reply was me - I wasn't logged on!

I_am_mine:

--- Quote from: nightsong ---

Is it common to develop depression as a response to all this? It seems to me to be related to 'learned helplessness', that sense that I can't win and nothing I do will ever change anything. There is also the loss of my idealised view of her I suppose, which I have clung to for so long. My father died three years ago and my main response was relief. Perhaps I haven't mourned his death yet. Ah well, plenty of issues for the therapy!


--- End quote ---


I've been dealing with depression/anxiety for...well, started in my teens, and I'm now 48.  I've come to the conclusion that my Ndad played a big part in my depression, altho I also think I was born with a predisposition for depression/anxiety, as many of my relatives suffer from these conditions.

The constant put-downs, comparisons to the Nparent, stress of "walking on eggs" and never knowing the "right" thing to do to please them, being taught that WE are the defective ones, especially in childhood when we haven't had the life experience to develop any psychological "armor" to defend ourselves....yeah, sounds like a recipe for depression to me!

There's a way out, tho, and it sounds like you're starting to find it.  Finding "reality", even tho it's a slap in the face sometimes, gives us the tools to deal with the Nperson(people) in our lives.  Finding the reality in/about  yourself provides a process with which you can free yourself of the "learned helplessness" syndrome.

You are not defined by your Nparents' definitions, their definitions are distorted, and more about them than about you.  If you can re-define yourself according to your own standards, morals, needs and wants, you won't have to live under their unrealistic opinions of you.

I'm still struggling constantly with the definition of my relationship to my Ndad - sooooooo toxic!  I take maybe 1 step forward, then 2 steps back, but sometimes manage 2 steps forward and hold my ground!

Good luck, sounds like your instincts will take you on the journey.  Try to learn to trust yourself, and you'll come out the other side as a whole person.

bobbie

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---I am in no hurry to break the silence. But I do feel completely stuck. I think the worst legacy of all this is my sense that there is no help for me - that the entire universe is indifferent.
--- End quote ---


I know that feeling well.  I guess that means it's just yet another symptom of being the child of an Nparent.  As a child, it was too unbearable for me to believe that my mother was indifferent to me, so I believed that the world around me was indifferent to me.  In my early teens, I used to say 'Nobody loves me; nobody likes me'.  I didn't realise that it was my mother who demonstrated all the time that I didn't exist and didn't count - because I believed what she SAID rather than what she DID.

I even had evidence that other people took notice of me and cared and thought I was a nice person but I was totally unable to recognise it, appreciate it or respond to it.  

And now those feelings of being stuck, of being alone, that there is no help for me, still come up.  On a bad day, I feel sheer terror in response to those feelings.  And I haven't found any answers to this one - yet!!!

Except to note - those feelings ONLY come up when I'm trying to solve problems in my own head or heart that relate to my mother.   So I'm quite sure that it's the child in me who is in control at that instant and not the adult 'me'.  It must be a feeling that nobody is going to look out for us, look after us, have our interests at heart.  

Our parents, of course, trained us to know that noone ever will - their needs always came first.  Our parents met their own needs, not ours, and they required US to meet their needs (not ours), too!!  

But as adults, we have a choice.  We can choose NOT to put their needs first.  And that means that we can indeed make sure we are looked after - by choosing to put OUR needs and interests and well-being first.  And knowing that it's a good and right thing to do.  And never mind what anybody else thinks!!  AFter all, THEY don't feel guilty that THEY put THEIR needs first!!!  

Congratulations on taking your first steps to freedom!  :)
R

katrina:
hey everyone, i am slighty confused here im doing some research for a psychology essay and i had this web address in the back of my book and well im very very confused. can anyone please help!!!???? :?

rosencrantz:
We're all confused Katrina :lol: Welcome to the club!

Maybe you need the library of articles on the website rather than the forum.  

Have fun with your essay!
R

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